It’s a tough life being a big shot Hollywood producer. There are only so many hours in the day to do cocaine, hire escorts, crush the dreams of exciting new writers and push the latest teen heartthrob down our throats. That leaves next to no time to scour the Internet and TV to find old Televison shows and films to “re-imagine”. Yes my friends, being creatively bankrupt is harder than it looks.
But fear not, one man is a shining beacon in the night, one man can do all the heavy lifting for Hollywood because he cares about the plight of the exec (and will also be out of a job soon so needs the money).
That man is me.
You see I know the formula, I know what will sell to the masses and appeal to the nerds, I can, in short, remake anything. Now I know you can’t just take my words on face value so i humbly submit some sample treatments for your reading pleasure……
STAR WARS BEGINS: The new name is more “now” and will make it clear this is a fresh take on the franchise.
Directed by Micheal Bay
Luke Skywalker: Zac Efron (to appeal to the teen crowd)
Princess Leia: Kelly Brook (to appeal the dirctor)
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Bruce Campbell (to appeal to the nerds)
Han Solo: Jason Statham (needs to be tougher than Ford)
R2D2: Adam Sandler (to bring a new take on the charater)
Chewbacca: Kevin James (to make him a lovable goofball)
Darth Vader: James Earl Jones (to appeal to the old fans)
You will notice we have dropped the C3P0 character, we feel he is not needed and instead created the new duo of Chewbacca and R2D2 as the actors work well together. Also we feel a redesign of Vader is in order. Make him taller and more tough looking, I was thinking of a full CGI with a Skull face and spiked armour. He should also have the ability to transform his arm into a Laser Cannon because kids like guns. Finally we suggest the designers of the Transformers movies are called in to create the Space Ships.
JANE BOND: EXTREME SECRET AGENT. Forget stuffy British actors, we feel a young hip American female is whats needed to be the new face British intelligence.
Directed by MCG.
Jane Bond: Laura Vandervoot (a well known but not expensive choice)
M: Snoop Dogg (to make the character more hip)
Q: Bruce Campbell (to appeal to the nerds)
Felix Lieter Zachary Levi (love interest)
The Queen Julie Andrews (Jane’s secret grandmother)
Spencer Bond Hugh Grant (plays British well)
Dr Goldfinger Halle Berry
In this film she is looking for the killer of her father and is recruited intoMI6 by her grandmother, The Queen. We see Lieter as a love interest and goofball much like his Chuck character. This is an extreme, in your face, girl power movie that is guaranteed to be a hit.
MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE: In partnership with the WWE we bring you the story of He-Man in full live action, Hell in a Cell Glory!
Directed by whoever is cheapest.
He-Man: Triple H (to appeal to Vince McMahon)
Teela: Stephanie McMahon (to appeal to He-Man)
Orko the Great: Bruce Campbell (to appeal to the Nerds)
Man-at-Arms: John Cena (to make him younger and hip)
Skeletor: The Undertaker (more imposing )
Beast-Man: The Big Show (for scale with Skeletor)
Tri-Klops: Kane (Andre the Giant is dead)
Evil Lynn: Michelle McCool (to appeal to the Undertaker)
Although we have had to make some consessions to the WWE here we feel we still have a fine product. In this version there is no female guardian of Gresykull, that role is to be handled by Orko (who is now human to save money). There is no sword of power it is instead He-man gets his powers from a Sledgehammer (a nod to his wrestling chararter). Castle Greyskull is retconned into an arena where the charaters fight for control of the title “Master of the Universe” (which is written on a championship Belt) and the final battle will be a royally decreed Rumble. The pitch here is Gladiator meets No Holds Barred.
So there you have it, three Summer blockbusters with minium effort and maxium revenue.
You don’t have to thank me just post me a big cheque.