casI hate Rob Schneider. I have never met him, so I am not basing this hate on a real life interaction. I am basing this hate only on the following things:

- his movies
- his insane attack ad against an LA Times journalist who named Deuce Bigalow as one of the symptoms of Hollywood’s essential creative bankruptcy (reprinted at the end of this piece for you! The very idea that Schneider gets mad when people call him out on making shitty films is the kind of thing that can make your fucking head spin like Linda Blair)

My hatred of Schneider, which I would like to qualify as “seething,” is only fed by the latest word that he’s putting together a Gilligan’s Island movie. There’s just something so annoying about the prospect of Schneider not only starring in another movie, but a movie that is as sure to be horrific as a Gilligan’s Island film, that really gets my dander up.

Schneider was in Australia talking about it, as well as discussing what actors he is looking at for roles like The Millionaire. You’re going to have to go to Dark Horizons to read about this – my sky-rocketing blood pressure is dimming my vision and making it hard to write.

The letter:

Dear Patrick Goldstein, Staff Writer for the Los Angeles Times,

My name is Rob Schneider and I am responding to your January 26th front page cover story in the LA Times, where you used my upcoming sequel to ‘Deuce Bigalow’ as an example of why Hollywood Studios are lagging behind the Independents in Academy nominations. According to your logic, Hollywood Studios are too busy making sequels like “Deuce Bigalow’ instead of making movies that you would like to see.

Well Mr. Goldstein, as far as your snide comments about me and my film not being nominated for an Academy Award, I decided to do some research to find what awards you have won.
I went online and found that you have won nothing. Absolutely nothing. No journalistic awards of any kind, Disappointed, I went to the Pulitzer Prize database of past winners and nominees. I though, surely, there must be an omission. I typed in the name Patrick Goldstein and again, zippo—nada. No Pulitzer Prizes or nominations for a ‘Mr. Patrick Goldstein.’ There was, however, a nomination for an Amy Goldstein. I contacted Ms. Goldstein in Rhode Island, she assured me she was not an alias of yours and in fact like most of the World had no idea of your existence.

Frankly, I am surprised the LA Times would hire someone like you with so few or, actually, no accolades to work on their front page. Surely there must be a larger talent pool for the LA Times to draw from. Perhaps, someone who has at least won a ‘Cable Ace Award.’
Maybe, Mr. Goldstein, you didn’t win a Pulitzer Prize because they haven’t invented a category for “Best Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous Reporter, Who’s Never Been Acknowledged By His Peers!”

Patrick, I can honestly say that if I sat you your colleagues at a luncheon, afterwards, they’d say “You know, that Rob Schneider is a pretty intelligent guy, I hope we can do that again.” Whereas, if you sat with my colleagues, after lunch, you would just be beaten beyond recognition.

For the record, Patrick, your research is shabby as well. My next film is not ‘Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo 2.’ It’s ‘Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo,’ in theaters EVERYWHERE August 12th 2005.

All my best,
Rob Schneider