So, the other day I dragged my untoned ass cheeks to one of the million Best Buy stores here in San Diego and was surprised to see several employees hovering around the entrance like a bunch of blue dingle-berries. I managed to maneuver past them and saddle up to the Wii display, where a different group of Best Buy employees stood and gazed at me objectionably, as though I were super-deformed or Joan Rivers.
Luckily, I quickly snapped up one of the three remaining Wii Fit boxes and made my way to the maze-like line, which is similar to the holding pens at the local DMV, except the smells aren’t as intense. Anyway, everybody in line (about seven people) had their arms loaded with assorted Wii stuff. Wii game systems, Wii Fit bundles, Wii remotes, Wii games, Wii anal beads; the list goes on and on. Now, I can’t speak for the rest of North America, but at least in San Diego, Nintendo is cleaning up with all their Wii-related shit.
For the uninitiated, Wii Fit is another Nintendo product that will soon likely oversaturate video game and electronic store shelves, much like their other cumbersome peripherals (like the Wii Wheel and Wii Zapper).
Wii Fit comes with the Wii Balance Board, a device that calculates your weight and supposedly your Body Mass Index and enables you to perform various motion-based exercises. Now, I’m by no means obese, but my constant diet of fried lard balls and beer has taken its toll and I’ve realized that I should probably make some kind of effort to get into shape. My experience with burning calories is pretty much limited to masturbation and playing the harmonica, which, quite frankly, does nothing to tone abs. Anyway, after straining through a myriad of different exercises the game has to offer, I came to the conclusion that I should stick to masturbation and playing the harmonica.
After choosing a Mii to represent “me,” I soon learned that I was overweight. Fantastic. So then I moved onto the different exercise options, which include; Strength Training, Aerobics, Yoga and Balance Games (not all of the exercises in these categories are available when the game begins. The more you exercise, the more games you can unlock).
The Aerobics and Balance Games were the most fun and easiest for me (I dug the Hula Hoop and Step Aerobic games, as well as the Ski Slalom, Ski Jump and Soccer Heading ones), but the Yoga and Strength Training sections were a bitter kick to the balls. At first, the Yoga poses went favorably, but then I had to bend to touch my toes and I’m pretty sure my sphincter ruptured. I fared even worse with the Strength Training and quickly learned that doing push-ups on a plastic board is about as comfortable as getting reamed with a summer sausage. Interestingly, you can track your weight-loss progress in 2-week intervals, but unfortunately, the game doesn’t provide a specific workout regimen for you to follow.
So, Wii Fit may jump-start those eager enough to shed some pounds or tone up, but without any kind of structured workout routine available or any nutritional guidelines to adhere to, the results might be less then optimal.
Wii Fit made me sweat, but shit, I get sweaty just trying to unzip my pants. I’m also a tad sore, but shit, I get sore just trying to unzip my pants. I’m also a little winded just typing this right now.
So, if you own a Wii and have a hankerin’ to get off your ass (provided your ass is under 300 pounds, that’s the weight limit on the Balance Board), then Wii Fit might be worth a purchase. As for me, I’m staring at the Balance Board right now and I’ve realized that it makes a nice stand for my extensive porno collection. God bless you Nintendo!