I take photos of dumb shit. Some of you do too (submit yours HERE). Life’s too short and there’s too many dumb things out there to allow it going unnoticed or people not getting called out for it. This is where I shine a light at fools, loons, hypocrites, and in many instances my own dumb self. If you dig this, please share it on FB and Twitter (links right above this) or participate in our message board thread devoted to it.
1. Teaching the Greenhouse Effect to cute things one day at a time…
What’s the point of these shrines on people’s cars? Is it an early warning system for men to know that desperation be damned, DO NOT FUCK THIS PERSON? It is a global effort to ritualistically bleach stuffed animals? Is it the markings of a secret sect of losers that dates back to medieval times when foppish mangirls straddled sissy horses who pranced around with ragdolls hanging from their ass? The only consistent things I’ve noticed about cars like these is a lot of fast food detritus on the floor and a driver’s seat squashed by years of FATASS. And you know this is just a harbinger to a home where porcelain kittens adorn shelves in catastrophic quantity and the bed has more immobile animals than Medusa’s petting zoo.
2. This is to fashion as Hitler was to hugs.
“Do you want to get your fill of saturated fat from the local greasing hole?”
“You could wash up and put outdoor clothes on.”
“Well that’s not an option.”
“Well, what then? We need to drink Mountain Dew and eat Cheetos. It’s like our destiny.
MLK had that speech and stuff and we have the consumption of something that doesn’t exist in nature.
We all have our part in the circle of life. Are you sure you can’t be civilized and get dressed?”
“What is this, Nazi Russia? Fuck that. I’m in my pajamas. I ain’t getting dressed for no one.”
“Alright, I’ll go out like this. Lemme grab my 80’s jacket.”
“You do realize that the jacket gets you halfway towards really dressed…”
“Don’t play me.”
3. The grammar of the Florida Panhandle.
Pacifiers sucks. Plural. If it wasn’t for being surrounded by blue waters Florida would be a part of the Axis of Evil.
4. Print is Undead.
You cocksuckers still think this trend is harmless?
5. What did they deem extraneous?
Could you imagine living in a world where the remake of The Talking of the Pelham 123 was essential for anything other than possible post-apocalyptic fuel for the nightly burning? The original isn’t even essential, and the original doesn’t feature Robert Shaw flying out of the closet with a carefully detailed hair face.
6. Sooner than they think.
First of all, by not having a “D” at the end of your dumb license plate you’re causing all sorts of confusion for those behind you. That’s rude. Secondly, why in the name of sweet merciful Asmodeus does this qualify as a message befitting a custom plate? Do you realize how smug and condescending it is? You’re basically saying “I don’t care about you, I’m going to Heaven!” Why not get a bumper sticker that says “Eat my dust, Heathen!”. I’d love to see a truck driver who’s 36 hours into a haul see this and put the vanity plate to the test as he slams the gas and accelerates to smashing speed. Cue fictional St. Peter at his bogus gate eying a dashed-apart Florida graduate dripping in front of him and going “Nope!” and then texting his buddies ROFLWTDFTCIH*!
7. Prepping young ones for a career in spinning flags…
Poor kid. Couldn’t be an honor student, make a team of any kind, or win anything worthy of a car sticker. Luckily for those people there’s this weird hybrid of directing airplanes and patriotism to justify their parent’s sacrifice and allow for some semblance of accomplishment, slight as it may be. Parents need something they can publicly display. Because otherwise… being a parent is valueless unless there’s a sticker to prove it.
8. It took a few tries to perfect the Guillotine.
This might as well be a diagram for natural selection.
9. Trees died for this.
Can you imagine giving or getting a card for this “holiday”? Holy shit, I’d rather get a bereavement note.
10. It lox up my browser.
There is technology in place so you can’t even VISIT certain Jewish websites on Saturdays. This blows my balls out. How the fuck am I going to get my ‘Rabbi Spring Break’ pictures and the subsequent elation of a dick well jerked off? Guess I’ll have to wait until Sunday. But I like to jerk off to Rabbis Gone Wild while eating Chick Fil-A and Chick Fil-A is closed for Jesusing! I’m in a pickle!
By the way:
*Rolling on the floor laughing while this dude falls through clouds into Hell.