Tom Hanks, I am dangerously close to giving you an open letter in the same vein as the one I gave Bob Zemeckis. Cause for the past fifteen years I keep hoping you’ll make another good comedy. But we don’t seem to be on the same page. I can’t fault you The Ladykillers, because on paper teaming with the Coen Bros seemed like a brilliant move, and your performance was the best part of that film (maybe y’all should pair up again now that they’ve got their mojo back). You’ve Got Mail was what it was, I guess, but you and Spielberg are lucky you did The Pacific to help erase the taste of shit The Terminal left in my mouth. I want a proper Tom Hanks comedy! And no, the Toy Story films do not count. That’s just your voice. Seeing you on Conan every year, being all funny and charming, its starting to aggravate me, seeing what I’m missing while you’re doing these Dan Brown turds. Charlie Wilson’s War was a step in the right direction, but why do you feel like your comedies need to be so light?

I just watched the trailer for Larry Crowne, and frankly it seems like things are getting worse. I realize you’re old now, but you don’t need to make comedies for old people. You’re Tom Hanks! You’re awesome!

Stay away from Julia Roberts, Mr. Hanks. I don’t like where this is heading.