Before watching Rango for tonight’s other entry, I had the misfortune of sitting through some truly awful trailers for upcoming kids’ films. I’d like to show them to you now, partly to forewarn you and mostly to share my suffering. To start with…

If you could tolerate one solitary second of that trailer, then I’d very much like to know how you’re reading this right now. Clearly, this film was made for people who do not have the age and/or brainpower to be literate.

We’ve got the story of some kid trying to get out from under his father’s shadow, a trope so old that it was considered cliche when The Jazz Singer did it in 1927. We’ve got James Marsters mugging for the camera, just when his career seemed to be in an upturn. Hasselhoff makes an appearance just because he never could turn down a chance for publicity in the past few years.

Yet all of this pales next to the fact that our main character is a furry little animal “with attitude,” voiced by Russell Brand, under the direction of that rocket scientist who brought us the first Alvin and the Chipmunks and the second Garfield. Also, whoever came up with that “jelly beans” plot point should be tried at the Hague.

This trailer doesn’t just look bad. It doesn’t just sound bad, either. This trailer smells bad. My blog is now coated with a potent sewer stench for no better reason than because it contains an embed for this trailer. Yet it will all be worth it, if only so you stay away from theaters when Hop is released this April 1st.

So, after that trailer screened, this next one came up. And all I could think was “This trailer’s still around?”

Yes, the live-action Smurfs movie is still on its way to theaters. Worse still, that teaser was released back in June of 2010 and no full teaser has yet been released. How could either be possible?

Well, it seems that this film was originally set for release in December of 2010. That was until the release got pushed back to July 2011, and then delayed again until August. So yeah, we’re clearly dealing with a masterpiece of cinema here. The involvement of one Neil Patrick Harris is intriguing, but he wasn’t enough to help Beastly and I doubt he’ll be enough to help this.

The Smurfs will be released and summarily cast into obscurity on August 3rd.

Then there’s this one.

Look, I understand how and why this movie came to be. Dreamworks has built their entire business model around making original films solely to generate sequels until the cash cow drops dead. I’ve long since accepted this and I can’t find it in me to begrudge them for it anymore. However, when watching this trailer, I find myself asking two questions.

First of all, why bother with the Inception ruse? That joke seemed incredibly forced, not to mention a few months past its due date. And secondly, Pitbull? Pitbull?! Of all the sufficiently relevant songs they might have used, why the hell did Dreamworks go with a totally worthless song made by one of the most talentless hacks who dares call himself a rapper?! Hell, Enrique Iglesias is back on the charts now and he would have been a million times more appropriate for this, even if “I Like It” and “Tonight (I’m Fuckin’ You)” are both total garbage.

Puss in Boots will make a few hundred million dollars this November 4th. I can only hope it will have a better soundtrack.

One last trailer for tonight and easily the best of the bunch.

I still haven’t seen the original Kung Fu Panda, though I do understand that the movie has its fans. Judging from this trailer, I can kinda see why. The animation looks fluid, some of the humor works and the fight scenes look like a lot of fun. However, Jack Black’s schtick is really starting to get on my nerves. And after the one-two punch of Year One and Gulliver’s Travels, I find it quite possible that this film may suffer some backlash against its star.

We’ll see what happens when Kung Fu Panda 2 sees release in May 26th, 2011.