Yourscene, not mine.BUY IT AT AMAZON: CLICK HERE!
STUDIO: Miramax Family
MSRP: $19.99
• Barbie’s Personality Profile
• Chelsea’s Celebrity Fashion Finder
• Madison’s Superstar Challenge
• Nolee’s Movie Memory Game
• Delancey’s Fave Embarrassing Moments

The Pitch

“What haven’t we slapped a Barbie label on yet? How ‘bout a movie?“

The Humans

Voices of: no one you ever heard of, except Lindsay Lohan… and Harvey frickin’ Weinstein.

"You will give us the Continuum Transfunctioner…"

The Nutshell

Barbie and her friends (Oh who are we kidding—they’re ALL Barbie) crash a movie shoot and get work as extras. Then the Curly-Haired Barbie is picked for a speaking role and gets all snotty. It’s up to the movie’s star, Lindsay Lohan, to set things right, cause she’s a normal girl just like them and fame hasn’t changed her one bit.

Excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth a little.

The Package

Anamorphic widescreen, side-masked to 1.66:1. Dolby 5.1. It’s a direct-digital transfer so it’s plenty clean. Fine details are sometimes hard to make out, but this is more due to the style of the artwork than anything else.

"Damn, only one seat left. I bet these guys are all Horde too."

Extras: Three time-wasting set-top games, each expertly calibrated to destroy young girls’ self-esteem. A trivia game to make sure you actually watched the movie and took notes. A fake “blooper reel”, for some reason. Don’t forget to skip those forced trailers!

The Lowdown

This may be the first movie ever to be based on a website. I haven’t visited — my dedication as a reviewer goes only so far– so I don’t know whether the Five Faces of Barbie truly have identities of their own beyond what’s on display here.

Mattel’s crimes against feminism and femininity in the name of Barbie are well-documented: the impossible body-image (there is only one body type), the shameless consumerism, the constricted sexuality. Maybe things have progressed since the ‘50s, but she’s still got a long way to go, baby.

Again… Target market = Not me. Acknowledged.

This flick has exactly one thing going for it—its looks. How’s that for irony? The animation technique appears to be Flash-based, resulting in smooth, fluid motion, integrated with 3D environments. The character animation itself could have been more creative— wide shots often feel like you’re watching someone else play The Sims. It’s also too bad that they went with the new curve-free Lohan.

"I’d give my right arm to get my boobs back. Aw, crap."

3 out of 10