Sorry about the hiatus. It’s one of those things that suck but we have no excuse. Blame the guys who stopped helping with this list. Blame Joe Estevez. Blame Alex Rocco.
Note: Some entires may contain spoilers. You’ve been warned.
Also, the next big CHUD List will be sooner than you think and I think you’re going to like it. Dave Davis and I are proud to announce that the next major list column will be the BEST NUDITY (in non cable or porn flicks). Stay tuned for details on that as well as the 2005 Babe/Hunk Draft, which will be done a lot differently this year.
#49 - Jack Nicholson
ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST
Now I had to revisit this film since I hadn’t seen it in quite some time and it in fact struck me at how many bastards there actually are in this thing. The institution itself is probably the grandest of them all, followed closely by Louise Fletcher’s Nurse from Hades. You’ve also got Christopher Lloyd’s character who is actually a pretty damn funny bastard’ But ultimately, it really comes down to the film’s heart (an odd place to find a bastard, I know): R.P. McMurphy. He’s rude, he cusses, he teases Danny DeVito with pornographic playing cards. The man’s sleazy. Yet, you can’t help but root for the guy since he’s probably the most relatable person in the entire film (and maybe even on this whole list). Oh he’s a scumbag; one that chokes the shit out of female nurses’ but it’s his livelihood and the ability to make others feel that same zest for life that makes him role model material all the way’ by way of bastardom, of course.
Perfect Bastard Moment Not so much a moment, but a line of dialogue that McMurphy utters that’s quite telling of his character beyond even that of what we see in the film’ When the institution’s head doctor asks why he thinks he’s here, McMurphy replies, “Well, as near as I can figure out, it’s ’cause I, uh, fight and fuck too much.” You sure do, Bastard. You suuure do. – George Merchan
#48 - Laurence Olivier
CLASH OF THE TITANS
Well, we were originally going to go with CHUD favorite Calibos (played greatly by Neil McCarthy), but realized that the bigger (and more underhanded) bastard is actually the God of Thunder himself, Zeus. And what is Zeus if not just a glorified human. Human?! Well, yeah. He possesses the same traits that make us what we are: Jealousy. Rage. Lust. His motives seem pure, but in actuality, there’s always an agenda. Like when he orders Poseidon to unleash CHUD pal the Kraken to ravage and destroy the kingdom of Acrisius and Acrisius of Argos himself, as well as every stone and living creature there. That’s fucked up, you cad! What did the stones ever do to you?
Perfect Bastard Moment Wait, so why did he really order Acrisius to be destroyed? See, Zeus makes it seem that the life of a woman and her son is infinitely more important than all the monuments, statues, and temples in the world. An admirable stance, no? But the kicker comes afterwards (and again, in a bit of dialogue exchanged by other characters) when three of the goddesses begin gossiping about Zeus’ true motives. Thetis says to a distraught Hera, “Zeus loved the girl. She is very beautiful. So beautiful that Acrsius, her father, grew jealous and hid her from the eyes of men and locked her behind iron doors.” To which Aphrodite, the goddess of love replied, “But Zeus transformed himself into a glittering shower of gold” visited her” visited her and loved her.” Shit, now that’s pimp status and borderline role model material right there. Zeus, you dog! - George Merchan
#47 - Kevin Heffernan
Oh man. Okay, where to begin’ Officer Farva is probably the most clear-cut asshole on this entire list. There’s no subtley to it, there’s no sneakiness behind it! he’s just a flat out cock. And I love it. See, in the context of a comedy such as this, his type is perfectly okay. In fact, it’s welcomed. More movies should have utterances of the phrase “Chicken Fucker”. And it’s both deeply disturbing but ultimately hilarious to watch the man (and his manhood) get sprayed with water and covered in powdered sugar. Why? “Cause he’s a cunt and he deserves it. Heffernan is terrific and simply nails one of the most perfect comedy bastards to come out in recent years. Take THAT, Denim Dan!
Perfect Bastard Moment You know, it would be easy to go with the moment when Farva betrays his fellow super troopers and joins the police force. But we’re talking about ROD FARVA here and a movie with a slew of infinitely quotable and hilarious lines. So allow me to just give you one of my favorite exchanges that illustrates the point!
Farva: “Gimme a, uh, liter of cola.”
Dimpus Burger Guy: “A what?”
Farva: “A liter of cola.”
Dimpus Burger Guy: “LEEDERACOLA, DO WE MAKE LEEDERACOLA?”
Ramathorn: “Will you just order a large, Farva?'”
Farva: “I don’t want a large Farva, I want a goddamn liter of cola!”
Dimpus Burger Guy: “I don’t know what that is.”
Farva: “Liter is French for GIVE ME SOME FUCKIN’ COLA BEFORE I BREAK BOTH FUCKIN’ LIPS!”
Ahh! what a bastard. – George Merchan
#46 - Murray Hamilton
A gargantuan great white shark is gulping down tourists like floating gummy bears out at Amity beach. But that’s just because it’s tourist season! And Mayor Vaughn (
Perfect Bastard Moment Vaughn tries to convince sheriff Brody that the threat of a hungry 30-foot carcarodon carcharias is “all psychological”. Like a migraine, or a pail of acid splashed on your face. – Dave Davis
#45 - Terence Stamp
Armed only with cockney rhyming slang and a volatile demeanor, old-school British ex-con Wilson (the always regal Stamp) heads to the City of
Perfect Bastard Moment After turning Pete Fonda’s sleazy producer’s life upside-down and cutting through his bodyguards, Wilson stalks him across a rocky beach and makes one rasping demand of the terrified and crippled man: “Tell me about Jenny.” – Dave Davis
#44 - William L. Petersen
TO LIVE AND DIE IN L.A.
In William Friedkin’s woefully underseen 80s crime flick, CSI guy Petersen is a brash government agent who’s more than willing to test the elasticity of the law in his tenacious pursuit of counterfeiter Willem Dafoe, all to the dated sounds of Wang Chung. He doesn’t care much for too many people (including his new partner), and if catching the bad guy involves funding his plan by stealing money from another undercover agent and then barreling down the wrong side of a busy LA freeway, so be it!
Perfect Bastard Moment While he’s toweling down after the skin-shimmy with his female informant and she inquires about getting paid for spilling dirt on a shady lawyer, he succinctly tells her “Uncle Sam don’t give a shit about your expenses. You want bread, fuck a baker.” – Dave Davis
#43 - Bill Murray
Sure, the movie is loosely based on Dickens’ classic story “A Christmas Carol”, and
Perfect Bastard Moment Frank’s perfectly rational recommendation for attaching antlers to a mouse: “Have you tried staples?” – Dave Davis
#42 - Jeffrey Combs
Herbert West likes corpses. But he likes them much better when they’re moving, so he squirts them full of fluorescent green goo and enjoys the jittering rejuvenated flesh! Science is fun, until you’re strangled by someone else’s intestines. As usual.
Perfect Bastard Moment Herb is a bit neurotic when it comes to his secret formula, so he decapitates his nemesis and then resurrects just the head for his latest experiment. Which probably seemed like a good idea at the time. But probably not so much later when the head is tongue-lashing Barbara Crampton and creating its own little undead army. – Dave Davis
#41 - Sean Penn
CASUALTIES OF WAR
“The army calls this a weapon,” scoffs Penn’s young bulldog sergeant Meserve in reference to his rifle. Then he grabs his crotch and corrects: “This is a weapon.” And then he proves it. In the middle of the Vietnam War, morality has gone out the window, and Meserve is so intent on getting laid that even the power and fury of Michael J. Fox can’t stop him. So he kidnaps a Vietnamese village girl for an exciting night of gang-rape, then orders his squad to dispose of the “evidence”.
Perfect Bastard Moment While the girl lies devastated in the aftermath of the horrifying deed, a corporal asks Meserve when was the last time he had a real woman. His unnerving reply: “She was real.”- Dave Davis
#40 - Andrew Dice Clay
THE ADVENTURES OF FORD FAIRLANE
In Renny Harlin’s finest film, the Diceman is a
“Here’s to you suckin’ my dick.”
Perfect Bastard Moment Tricking Freddy Kruger into dropping his weapon and fighting “mano y mano”, then blithely plugging the unarmed chump with a hidden pistol. Snapperhead! – Dave Davis
#39 - Eric Bogosian
Long before Howard Stern achieved national notoriety as a radio celebrity and exaggeratedly proclaimed himself “King of all Media”, Bogosian’s self-important shock-jock Barry Champlain (loosely based on real-life 80s airwave personality Alan Berg) spent his nights antagonizing a variety of nutjob callers to his radio showCoarse, condescending and combustible, Champlain surely would implode (or be choked by boss Alec Baldwin) had a particularly unstable listener not answered the question “How much crap will you take?”
Perfect Bastard Moment Barry gets into a verbal sparring match with a woman at a basketball game, but just by his smug mannerisms (he seems to be preparing to crawl into the woman’s nose) it’s clear he’s already won. – Dave Davis
#38 - Kevin Kline
A FISH CALLED WANDA
Double-crossing, hotheaded thief Otto is a real prize. He worships Nietzsche, refers to himself in the third person, makes fun of speech impediments, screws the woman posing as his sister (granted, it’s Jamie Lee Curtis in her prime), gets off on the stench of his own armpits and absolutely hates being called stupid. But he does enjoy robbing the English (“They’re so polite!”).
Perfect Bastard Moment To get info out of his animal-loving cohort, Otto slurps down his pet fish one at a time until he gets to that swimmer of the title. – Dave Davis
#37 - Tom Cruise
Everything about Cruise’s steely contract killer Vincent is gray: his suit, his hair, his methods, his philosophy. From the moment he slides into the spotless taxi of Max (Jamie Foxx) and begins a bloody tour of
Perfect Bastard Moment At a jazz club, Vincent listens intently as a trumpeter relays a vibrant story about legend Miles Davis, and then shockingly pops three shots into the man’s brainpan to remind us that he’s a soulless sociopath. – Dave Davis
#36 - Eli Wallach
THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY
Eli Wallach plays Tuco (a.k.a. The Ugly), a greedy and snively little rat, that is more than fitting to go into this grouping of bastardized misfits by simple virtue of the fact that the man utters the word “bastard” more times than any single person on this list (and all in a single scene where Eastwood captures him for a nice tighty sum). Of course, that’s not all. He curses, he lies, he two-times. The man’s a cad. Not the slickest (or smartest) one in this whole bunch, but he’s got all the traits.
Perfect Bastard Moment After being taken for $3,000 and abandoned in the desert, Tuco tracks down Blondie (Clint Eastwood), takes his weapons, and forces him at gunpoint to traverse a vast stretch of desert on foot to avoid the incoming armies of the Civil War. That’s not the worst, though. As Clint is about to take a refreshing sip of that cool canteen water while being pummeled by scorching heat, Tuco pops a couple of caps into it as well as one at the mans trademark sombrero… – George Merchan
#35 - Dylan Moran
SHAUN OF THE DEAD
Easily one of THE most hateful characters I can remember from 2004. The fact that he looked like Harry Potter Sr. aside, David reminded me of actual people that I know (and thusly hate). He’s that type of prick who throws his two cents in as often as he can, thinks he’s smart, and uses that to try and belittle those around him, when in actuality, he’s nothing more than an ill-informed and insecure cunt. Oh, are the zombies enjoying the smorgasbord that are your entrails? Good! I hope they dig the taste of ASSHOLE.
Perfect Bastard Moment Pointing a rifle at man’s mum doesn’t help matters at all (even if she is about to be reborn as the living dead). But when you start losing control and contemplate offing ol’ Simon Pegg, you know you’ve reached that upper echelon of the bastard elite. *click* Jerk. – George Merchan
#34- Miguel Ferrer
Bob Morton is a small man, but big business is his playground. When it comes to that, you need balls of steel. And when it comes to going toe-to-toe with Dick Jones (Ronny Cox), you better pray you have balls of friggin’ adamantium. Part of Ferrer’s bastardness comes in the form of his arrogant persona. He’ young, brash, and cocky. He’s got the ideas. And with all that, he thinks he’s got what it takes to supplant old-man Ronny (who, by the way, was considered for this list, for this very movie’ but he’s a flat-out villain, so no dice). Unfortunately for Miguel, a grenade had other plans.
Perfect Bastard Moment Another part of the business world is presentation. So, when you’re in the near future and you’re turning to mechs and cyborgs as your means to uphold the law, you’ve gotta show that it works. In a scene of brilliant satire and violence, poor corporate employee Kinney is greeted by waves and waves of bullets at the malfunctioning turrets of Dick Jones’ ED-209. As the meeting abruptly adjourns, Morton jumps in and pitches his Robocop plan to the big boss and gets the nod. The subsequent dialogue just nails Ferrer’s character…
Bob Morton: Yes! Now that’s how it’s done in the big leagues, Johnson. You see an opening, you go for it!
Johnson:You better watch your back, Bob. Jones is going to come looking for you.
Bob Morton: Oh, fuck Jones. He fumbled the ball I was there to pick it up.
Johnson:Too bad about Kinney, huh?
Bob Morton: Eh, that’s life in the big city.
Johnson: So, when do we start?
Bob Morton: As soon as some poor schmuck decides to volunteer. – George Merchan
#33- Joe Pantoliano
Not many guys are such accomplished bastards that they qualify for the list more than once, but Joey Pants is one such rare specialist in the field of bastardism.In Memento, he’s back with a new lid and more funky facial hair as “Teddy”, one of the few friends in the fleeting life-chunks of Leonard Shelby (Guy Pearce). Since Leonard has a problem with his short-term memory, Teddy “helps” him avenge the murder of his wife. He also occasionally poses for Polaroids and doesn’t mind repeating the same jokes.What a great friend!
Perfect Bastard Moment Hey’ Teddy is actually a shady cop exploiting Leonard’s mental handicap to do his dirty work, wiping out various criminals he’s led him to believe are the person that killed his wife! And! and his name’s not even really Teddy!He’s not a friend at all! He’s a complete fucking bastard! Of course, thanks to director Christopher Nolan’s rewinding skills, we also know right from the start that he’ll suffer from a bad case of hole in the face before the end (beginning?) of the movie!- Dave Davis
#32- John Cazale
In the mob, family is everything. In the Deep South, family is everything too but that’s a different story. John Cazale may have delivered the actual best performance in Coppola’s film despite the menacing Pacino and cottonmouthed Brando, because he delivers the best performance of a weasel this side of Riki-Tiki-Tavi. He’s an asshole because he totally costs the Corleone family an incredible amount and he’s a bastard because he has an enormous forehead. Don’t question my logic, this is one of the premier bastards of all time. It’s a shame Cazale died because it might have been nice to see how his career evolved like his contemporaries. I don’t think he’d ever have done a Scent of a Woman.
Perfect Bastard Moment: The look in his eyes as his brother confronts him about his betrayal. Sheer and utter bastard. I have a relative who totally reminds me of Fredo. What a bastard. – Nick Nunziata
#31 - Haruo Nakajima
A bastard son born of radioactive sperm fertilized in a nuclear egg in a barren chasm of a womb, Gojira is a true bastard in film but one conflicted. Will he save Japan and the world from the plentiful intergalactic forces of evil or just bust shit up and make small people run in fear of him and his bluescreen prowess? These are decisions saved for a later date, as this first film chooses to dwell on the post-Hiroshima world and the ongoing threat of nuclear war. Gojira (see, I’m cool because I used his Japanese name. It’s like using chopsticks instead of a fork) is a bastard because he lashes out at the society which created him but is careless and unfocused in his rage and he’s a role model because he’s so cool while he does it with his distinctive roars. Also, I bet he probably kills a few of the people who are related to the people who have created vending machines that sell soiled girl panties in Japan and for that he is also a role model of the highest order.
Perfect Bastard Moment: When he stomps on that Japanese guy. You know who I’m talking about. – Nick Nunziata
#30 - Vas Blackwood
LOCK, STOCK, AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS
Rory Breaker! Rory Breaker! Rory Breaker!
Vas Blackwood is almost better than vas deferens as the ruthless British gangster who takes zero shit from anyone in Guy Ritchie’s untainted-by-Madonna classic flick. He’s almost impossible to interpret at times and at others almost too comic to register as a threat, but Blackwood always bring sit home as Rory. He’s an asshoel for sure, but he does in a way that’s impossible not to love. The only sad thing is how many good performers and performances there are in this flick as Blackwood’s rarely gets the attention given to a Vinnie Jones, Jason Statham, or Guy Ritchie himself.
Perfect Bastard Moment “If you hold back anything, I’ll kill ya. If you bend the truth or I think your bending the truth, I’ll kill ya. If you forget anything I’ll kill ya. In fact, you’re gonna have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. Now do you understand everything I’ve said? Because if you don’t, I’ll kill ya.” – Nick Nunziata
Sure, Denzel’s got the sex appeal and the Chandler-esque role to play but it’s Don Cheadle who steals the piss out of this movie as Denzel’s loyal but dangerous buddy, Mouse. He’s almost a role model because of how gleefully he takes people out without a moment’s hesitation, but he does make some trouble for his buddy and that’s no fun. It’s a shame this great little Carl Franklin flick didn’t get more attention because Mouse and Easy Rawlins would have made for a nice duo for years to come. Added bonus: This Mouse don’t leave shit every twelve seconds. Perfect Bastard Moment: “You said don’t shoot him, and I didn’t. I strangled him!” – Nick Nunziata Perfect Bastard Moment: Before the quote was made legendary by Sir Dolph of the Lundgrens, Zucco uttered the “I will break you” line, except at a brilliant sleuth and not a punch-drunk southpaw with bad taste in women. – Nick Nunziata Perfect Bastard Moment His first appearance as an adult as he flits amongst the trees, more an apparition than a man. He’s also proof that Paul Mitchell Salons existed in the middle ages. – Nick Nunziata Perfect Bastard Moment Without even giving Jason Patric’s character a chance, he strongarms him out of the home of the slain officer’s widow, causing a heady and uncomfortable moment in the cold between two hard ass cops. – Nick Nunziata
#29 - Don Cheadle
DEVIL IN A BLUE DRESS
#28 - George Zucco
THE ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES
The best (arguably) of the Sherlock Holmes films, this one marks the arrival of Zucco as one of the best villains of all time, Professor Moriarty. Before he went on to great fame and Mortal Kombat scriptings, Moriarty is a cad of the highest order and a guy whose intellect is only matched by Basil Rathbone’s no shit Sherlock. Some great sparring here and no bastard list is complete without this wool-clad baddie.
#27 - Charley Boorman/Robert Addie
Mordred quite literally is a bastard. Spawned by a secret magical tryst between King Arthur and his half-sister (yuck!), the cackling blondie is not only a thorn in the side of our hero, he does in wearing spooky golden armor to boot! Before he gets lanced a lot, the villainous little cock does some serious damage and any prick bastard who can help kill a legendary empire is sort of a role model, don’t you think? Boorman played the young version before going on long motorcycle journeys with Obi-Wan and Addie played the adult Mordred before exiting the world at a tender age.
#26 - Ray Liotta
He’s gruff, he’s got a fuse so small Cillian Murphy would laugh at it, and he’s got the eyes of his buddies at the police department all over him. Is he crooked? Is he straight? Is he doing blow off Debi Mazar’s tits? These are questions that haunt us all, but Liotta is unstoppable as Henry Oak in Joe Carnahan’s high-octane cop flick and the beauty of it is in watching Liotta simmer and batter the screen apart with his portrayal of a mean son of a bitch. Regardless of the outcome (and it’s a great one), Liotta delivers an acutely effective bastard portrayal that ranks high on his substantial resume. Plus, he wants to kill Busta Rhymes. Of course he’s a damn role model!
Sure, Denzel’s got the sex appeal and the Chandler-esque role to play but it’s Don Cheadle who steals the piss out of this movie as Denzel’s loyal but dangerous buddy, Mouse. He’s almost a role model because of how gleefully he takes people out without a moment’s hesitation, but he does make some trouble for his buddy and that’s no fun. It’s a shame this great little Carl Franklin flick didn’t get more attention because Mouse and Easy Rawlins would have made for a nice duo for years to come. Added bonus: This Mouse don’t leave shit every twelve seconds.
Perfect Bastard Moment: “You said don’t shoot him, and I didn’t. I strangled him!” – Nick Nunziata
Perfect Bastard Moment: Before the quote was made legendary by Sir Dolph of the Lundgrens, Zucco uttered the “I will break you” line, except at a brilliant sleuth and not a punch-drunk southpaw with bad taste in women. – Nick Nunziata
Perfect Bastard Moment His first appearance as an adult as he flits amongst the trees, more an apparition than a man. He’s also proof that Paul Mitchell Salons existed in the middle ages. – Nick Nunziata
Perfect Bastard Moment Without even giving Jason Patric’s character a chance, he strongarms him out of the home of the slain officer’s widow, causing a heady and uncomfortable moment in the cold between two hard ass cops. – Nick Nunziata