STUDIO: Warner Bros.
MSRP: $14.99

The Pitch

“Who needs metaphor and biblical intrigue when you have Chuck and Norris!”

The Humans

Chuck Norris. Calvin Levels. Sheree J. Wilson. Christopher Neame.

The Nutshell

It’s not easy to be a bigger stereotype than Charles Norris, Esq.

Back in the day, Richard the Lionheart mixed it up with an evil sorceror named
Prosatanos before banishing the being in a stone vault for what he hoped would be eternity. Of course, all he did was seal the thing with some daggers and hightail it back to the kingdom to spend quality time with his almost sacrificed kid. Oh, and for such a noted King in history, the guy looked as handy with a sword as I do with a hot air balloon and a BINGO tumbler. See, if the young prince were to be slaughtered and if the holy artifacts they were using were empowered, apocalypse would occur.

As evidenced by Chuck Norris headlining this film in 1994, it did.

Actually, Hellbound is a film my buddies and I watched more than a few times during the bachelorhood era before marriage and reality claimed us. It’s a dumb film. It’s a stereotypical film. It’s a shite film, but something about seeing Chuck Norris battling a stiff ancient beast with a mullet while a ripped out heart bleeds on the floor is a little like coming home. Like when the harvest comes in and the family can enjoy a nice supper without the whirr of evil sawblades carried by re-animated Viking chieftans. Hey, I had a unique childhood.

Flash forward to the present where tough Chicago cop Frank Shatter (I shit you not) and his black sidekick Calvin Jackson come into contact with this timeless villain when he tosses a hooker onto their car from a few stories up. Honestly, what is better than for an ancient biblical demon to go from battles with kings to disposing of unattractive whores?

Things get complicated when the skirmish between Prosatanos and Shatter (as vital as Godzilla and Ghidrah, Voorhees and Krueger, and Puppet Master and Demonic Toys) results in no victor and our stalwart heroes go to Israel to crack the case.

Yes, Chuck Norris. In Israel. That, my friends, is what makes Hellbound so… Hellbound.

It’s about time someone did a good opening crawl for a Chuck Norris flick.

The Lowdown

Oh, it’s piss. Complete and utter piss. For an hour and a half of you and your closest pals railing on a film and snickering when director Aaron "I love nepotism" Norris fires artful beams of light through holes in the ceilings of crypts, you could do a lot worse. Plus, when Prosatanos speaks in his 80’s Auto Trader voice it’s a warming feeling of the 80’s. The great thing is this: Charles Norris films, regardless of when they’re filmed, are the 80’s.

And shit, the guy is 65 years old and if I’m fit as he is at 35 I’ll pat myself on the back and do a spinning kick with boots on. But still, this is a Chuck Norris flick. It’s his End of Days. It’s his Exorcist II: The Heretic. It’s his The Sword and the Sorceror. Why don’t you own this yet?

"Michelle Pfieffer thought she had some fucked up pupils?"

There are no special features. Not even scene selections. Not even widescreen. Not even a link to the better film called Hellbound. Just fullscreen Chuck, and what more in life do we need?

A lot.

1.9 out of 10
And by that I mean it’s great.