Mailbagsukidoji:

Your letters. My smartass replies.The Steady Leak
may not be so steady these days, but your letters have been, so I must
share them and answer them so that the wheels keep turning on this
crazy little bitch. Feel free to ask whatever about whomever or
whatever, and I’ll do my best to answer it. Letters in here might be
positive, negative, or indifferent and I’ll try to maintain a balance.
Please keep sending them in (SEND A LETTER), as it’s you who fuels this column. With that said, here we go….

Come around here often?

Mutant Adult Babies!

Mitch to the left!Gilles writes:

Holy Shite the Leak is awesome. I’m glad you didn’t give up on
it. Anyways, I’ve emailed you a few other times and you responded in the Leak
Letters, so I hope you can help me out with this one considering you’re a movie
buff. I’ve spoken with all my friends about this movie, yet no one remembers
anything about it. I’ve searched for countless hours on IMDB, to no avail. All
that I remember is that it had two adult actors under tonnes of prosthetics
playing huge and disgusting, fat, greasy, babies in some sort of junkyard
setting. And maybe something about kids escaping that junkyard? I know it
sounds crazy but I’m positive I saw it in a movie as a child. Or maybe I’m just
retarded and it was all a dream.

On another note, I’m a huge fan of Steve Alten and you vaguely
mentioned something about possibly developing another of his novels into a
movie. It’s killing me, you gotta give me a hint or something.

I actually have another question. Are the shout-outs at the end
of the Leak reserved for only your most trusted friends, or are they just for
anyone? At the end of your next Leak, I think it would be awesome if it said
"Gilles, you’re a cool dude," or even "Gilles, I think you’re a tool."
I’m gonna make like a baby and head out.


Nick’s Reply: UPDATE: A zillion emails (why don’t this many people email with Leak Letters?) have come up with the answer to the questionposed. It’s the horrendous Nothing But Trouble with Demi Moore and Chevy Chase. I worked at the movie theater when this came out and avoided seeing it. Now, if they kept the title Valkenvania The shout outs actually are directed towards people I’ve dealt with over the past fifteen years of my life, so it’s kind of a hodgepodge. I might have to change the names because some of my friends have too obvious names and it’s hard to bash D’Artagnian when you only have one friend named D’Artagnian. As for the Alten books, let’s just say we are talking to folks. Keep in mind, my goal right now is to make MEG happen and that’s a long drawn-out process. As for your junkyard film, I can only think of Street Trash but that can’t be right. Or is it one of the Nuke ‘Em High flicks? I’m sure a Chewer will email an answer to this one. Thanks for loving the Leak. It is a ton of work to cobble together but it seems that the response is decent.

(SEND A LETTER)

Come around here often?

Devin = Satan.

Mitch to the right.William writes:

I had looked forward to participating in the message
boards and your website in a meaningful way. However, as you observed in your
latest article, there is a great amount of animosity out there. I know you
probably hate to hear this, but it’s from Devin, directly and indirectly. When
it became evident to me that his ‘style’ of posting was rubbing off on others, I
realized it was time for me to leave. I keep checking in from time to time, but
from what I’ve seen, nothing’s really changed (and it possible has gotten
worse).

Solutions? Don’t allow Devin to post on the MBs.
Get rid of some of the extraneous areas that cause so much dissention (e.g.,
sex, religion, politics). I like Devin’s articles, but without doubt, he is the
source of the animosity on the MBs. Good luck in your decision.

Nick’s Reply: I think Devin’s softened a lot on the message boards. Maybe a year ago I’d have felt he was being a little aggressive but not lately. Then again, I read the posts that interest me and avoid the ones that don’t. That way, I don’t get caught up in the crappy stuff. I have to disagree, but to each their own.

(SEND A LETTER)

Come around here often?

Man’s Ass on Fire!

Mitch to the left!Brian writes:

You mention in your Steady Leak column about your
opinion on a better Man On Fire ending, where Denzel has an assbomb and takes
the baddies down with him. If you watch the alternate ending on the SE DVD,
that’s exactly what he did! It was a much better ending and they should’ve
stuck with it. But I’m sure the shopping mall moms they recruited to be in the
test audiences wouldn’t tolerate the idea of anything up Denzel’s a
ss.

Nick’s Reply:
I have the DVD but haven’t watched it. I hear the people who produced the DVD are real sons of bitches, though.

(SEND A LETTER)

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Quadraparaquiniplegic II: The Walking.

Mitch to the right.Jennifer writes:

The term "quadriplegic" refers to one who has been paralysed in both arms
and both legs, a fact backed by The American Heritage Dictionary of the
English Language
and Merriam-Webster’s Medical Dictionary . So do
the characters of Murderball wheel around in the style of Captain Christopher
Pike, or are they in fact "just" paraplegics?

"John writes:
Quadrapeligic? I’ve been reading this term in
reference to this movie a lot. Quadrapeligic means paralyzed in both arms and
legs, the prefix quad, meaning four gives that away. Are these guys
quadrapeligics? If so how do they do anything at all since both their arms and
legs don’t work. Perhaps the media means they are Parapeligic, which means just
their legs are paralyzed. I’ve been reading this mistake everywhere, Cnn, Ew,
Aintitcool, and here, and not just the net, but in print as well. I haven’t seen
the movie, but from the trailers I’m pretty sure these guys are just
parapeligics. I hope C.H.U.D is the first entertainment media outlet that
recognizes this error and fixes it. This has been bothering me for
weeks.


Nick’s Reply: I changed that text in Devin’s article but
he told me that it is folks like you who are wrong in the definition of a
quadriplegic. He was apparently correct, a fact backed by the star of
Murderball. So there!"

Nick’s Reply: I give up. Devin tells me one thing and people email me with contrarian opinions. I don’t know if the handicapped community has redefined their situation or if perhaps there’s a bit of leeway with the terms. Either way, when I came to my own personal life crossroads I chose to write jokey comments on film and not practice science. Hopefully Devin gets to the root of this in his next ‘Shout at the Devil’ letters column. Thanks for writing, Jen.

(SEND A LETTER)

Come around here often?

Risotto.

Mitch to the left!Adam writes:

Hey Nick, First off, I came to CHUD by ways of Ain’t it Cool a while ago and i’ve since become an avid reader, prefering the east coast cyncism and wit of chud to aicn’s rabid fanboy writings. Please keep up the great work; funny, great stuff. Secondly, I just read this week’s leak and I was pleasantly surprised by you recommending "The Big Night," which is one of my favorite movies. The final scene, with the one line of dialogue, is tremendous. Stanley Tucci and Tony Shaloub are fantastic in that movie and the final scene in the kitchen is what acting is all about. You can tune into that movie at the end and still understand what came before, what’s happening now, and what will happen between the two brothers. Hell, even Marc Anthony is great in that scene and he doesn’t even have a line in the movie. Also, the scene between stanley, tony, and ian holm where stanly makes a joke and none of them get it makes me chuckle every time. Tony Shaloub is so underrated it’s almost criminal (I’m sure most the readers of this site would probably agree with that, so I’m sorry for the redundancy of that statement, but DAMMIT, it needs to be said). I loved him ever since WINGS (a great show, although I’m probably in the
minority on that one).

Have you heard anything about George RR Martin’s fantasy series, A Song of Ice and Fire? It would make an excellent HBO series or movie series, although I think fantasy epics are losing steam. If you haven’t read the series, I highly recommend it. Wonderful characters, brutal at times, terrific plot twists, and all around great stuff. I’ve read through the series three times now and each time has been better and better. Don’t mean to gush, but it’s true. Once again, please keep up the good work. If you can keep that promise, I’ll promise to whore myself out for your site.

Nick’s Reply: We have no plans to lose steam on the site, and in fact hope to gain some. As for Big Night, it’s a totally lovely flick. I pretty much order risotto whenever it’s on a menu because of that movie. I agree about fantasy epics losing steam, because I have no confidence in the Narnia film and don’t think that the His Dark Materials stuff is well known enough to have that "must see" vibe. That may very well be a film that need the internet to do the grassroots work for it. I like Martin’s stuff but in a business where everything will be compared to those mildly successful Tolkien films, it’s an uphill battle.

(SEND A LETTER)

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Let’s all be Kurt.

Mitch to the right.Dennis writes:

Thanks for the mention of Kurt Busiek. I’ve been pushing his stuff on my friends for years and it’s always nice to see someone else who appreciates Astro City.

Also glad to see someone else remembers Archon. That was the first game I bought for my Atari 800XL computer in 1985. It’s encouraging that there’s someone else out there that remembers the classics.


Nick’s Reply: I am so happy how many emails I’ve gotten loving on the Busiek mention. Every weekday when I have Sofia (2 or 3 usually) we hit the Barnes and Noble up the street at 9am when they open and today was no different. I saw that they’ve collected the new Conan comic into a trade and imagine my surprise when I saw the Busiek wrote it. That’s next on my reading list now as I finish up the first 20 or so issues of the MAX Punisher line. Busiek rocks, and he’s bearded!

(SEND A LETTER)

Come around here often?

This is another Nick.

Mitch to the left!Nick writes:

Why all the hate on the CHUD team? It’s all I read on the Leak these days.
It’s simple… if you don’t like the site, go somewhere else.

I don’t get it. I like CHUD. It’s different, it’s a well organized site, and the opinions are real and informed. You guys are on top of your stuff, and your updates throughout the day are of truly insightful information.

CHUD really gets it done… unlike another site organized by a very large, hairy man… who by the way I think is biting on your updates. Is it me or did they post that THE FOUNTAIN’s website was up VERY SOON AFTER CHUD posted it? Makes you wonder…

Anyway, I love CHUD. I hope CHUD loves me. And I agree with Devin’s review of BATMAN BEGINS… though our opinions differ on CRASH.

Nick’s Reply: I agree, if you don’t like the site go somewhere else but first please purchase items from our ONLINE STORE! As for loving CHUD.com, I’m with you man. It’s bookmarked on my damn computer.

(SEND A LETTER)

Come around here often?

CHUD 3:16.

Mitch to the right.Lyndon writes:

Is the site really hurting for traffic? If that’s the case, I’ve lost all faith in the "open market" of the internet. CHUD offers a better perspective and better writing (along with more content) than any other site that I’m aware of. I hope the business end is still holding its own. You, Devin, George, and everyone else deserve the recognition for the effort you put into this slice of internet-friend gold.

P.S. I miss Slater. Bad. Whose ass do I have to kick to get that boy some videogames to review?

Nick’s Reply: We’re doing fine in the traffic department but keep in mind that we don’t ask for links all that much. Not many sites link to us on stuff because frankly we’re not as scoop crazy as the rest of them are. I know Devin is trying to keep us in the mix in that regard but I tend to look at this site as one known for its opinion and voice. I think we offer a lot more than the first look at some trailer or poster. We do that, but it’s not our focus. Nor is running every little tidbit of info that goes out on the newswire. We have signature stuff. Sometimes that’s not as "sexy" as scoops and stuff but if you ask me, the way scoops are handed out by some studios is bullshit and shady and I’d rather they fuck off than try to play some game with sites like this. That said, I wish I had better search engine and marketing skills because traffic does pay the bills. So, pimp us! As for the videogame stuff, I’m seriously mulling the idea of killing it. Our man Russ is way busy and the response hasn’t been gangbusters yet.

(SEND A LETTER)

Come around here often?

!!!!!!!!!.

Mitch to the left!Michael writes:


I’ve been a long time reader of CHUD, yet I’ve never taken the time to give you, Devin, Dave, and the gang some well-deserved appreciation. So here it is. Thank you. I adore this site. I love the humor, the intelligence, and I respect the disagreements I’ve had with some of the opinions of the writers because they are backed up. I’ve yet to find a website that I anticipate going to daily to see what’s up and I don’t really think I will come across a better one. Love the podcasts, The Leak, Thor’s column, everything. You deserve a positive letter cause, fuck, you get a lot of negative ones. So here, mark me down as another appreciative fan. Keep it up.

Nick’s Reply: I am sending hetero pretend wet kisses electronically to you right now.

(SEND A LETTER)

Come around here often?

Creature Cornered II.

Mitch to the right.Scott writes:

Creature Corner
(about to undergo a MAJOR transformation in staff and design)

This is probably the
best (internet related) news that I got today. CHUD rocks and CC used
to.
Glad youre going to correct that.

Nick’s Reply: When you see some of the familiar names we’re trying to involve in the new CC, you’ll be pleased. Also, consider this a cattle call. If you are out there and want to help make CC the love again, EMAIL ME!

(SEND A LETTER)

Come around here often?

SPAM OF THE DAY!

Mitch to the left!

Hilda writes:

FROM: Mrs. Hilda Achums.
EMAIL: mrshildaachums01@yahoo.com

In Lordship. I am the above named person from Nigeria but now undergoing medical treatment. I was married to Dr.Roberts Achums who worked with Malaysia embassy in Nigeria for nine years, before he died in the year 2003. We were both married for eleven years without children.

He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both very close as husband and wife and since his death I decided not to re-marry. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of USD15,000,000.00 (Fifteen Million United States Dollars) with a Inland Bank Nig Plc, I will send you details as soon as you indicate your interest.

Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next Six months due to my cancer illness. Having known my condition and believing the doctor I have decided to donate this fund to avoid total loss to Less privilege, or better still an individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in.

I want interested firm,or individual that will receive and use this money to help, orphanages ,widows , building churches and propagating the word of God and to ensure that the house of God is maintained.

Please do not fail to spread the funds across the globe especially AFRICA as soon as you receive the money. it is more blessed to give than to receive. I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are fighting over the properties and I don’t want my husband’s hard earned money to be misused by their greedy attitude. I don’t want a situation where this money will be used in an UNGODLY manner, hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I am not afraid of death since I am a good person.

I shall hold my peace. I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health, and because of the presence of my husband’s relatives around me always. I don’t want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact information of the bank and other details that will enable you claim the funds.please i want you to be aware that according to my attorney there are some important document that will be required by the bank for the transfer this is where i will need your little assistance before the fund can be transfer with the help of my attorney.

I will also issue you a letter of authority/Power of Attorney that will make you the beneficiary of this fund. I want you to always pray for me because the lord is my shepherd. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that wants to serve the GOD must serve him in spirit and truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life.

I sent you this mail under severe pains. Any delay in your reply will be detrimental. Please assure me that you will act accordingly.

Hoping to hear from you immediately. You can get back to me with my personal E-mail box : mrshildaachums01@yahoo.com

Remain blessed in the name of the Lord.

Yours in Christ,

Mrs. Hilda Achums.


Mr. Grunt and Point’s Reply:
I hope you are sitting in your garden sipping tea and enjoying the newspaper when a cement truck flies off an overpass and onto your vulva.

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