Before you do anything, check out Renn’s fantastic Oscar prep article. Then, hop on the message boards and vote ass for the awards. If you want to see what the other Chewers are saying, hit our chat room. If you’re going to do Oscar tweets, please consider adding #chudoscars to them.

As for me, I’ll be doing my long-running commentary. Oft-ripped off. Never equaled. Because it’s DUMB.

  • 11:36 – The King’s Speech wins. I’d say more but this awards shit has taken too much of Earth’s time already. Thank you all for putting up with me and for having exceedingly attractive penises and vaginas.
  • 11:35 – Sorry friends, but seeing Woody in that montage of the best picture nominees is just silly.
  • 11:31 – You know shit’s bad when people are nostalgic for Billy Crystal.
  • 11:30 – I have to be dragged to hear MY OWN KID SING. Fuck a bunch of stranger’s kids singing.
  • 11:25 – Firth was great in the movie, one which too many people dismiss as stuffed shirt nonsense. He’s great. That’s the thing about years with so many good performances. Anyone could have been justified in winning.
  • 11:19 – What the fuck is it with Sandra Bullock and her Javier Bardem name-dropping and worship? Did he sacrifice the goat that made The Blind Side happen?
  • 11:18 – She’d better thank Vincent Cassell, for making light colored slacks look like nobody’s business.
  • 11:17 – Natalie Portman wins the award for surviving the Prequels.
  • 11:15 – Michelle Williams looks like she’s auditioning for Judy Dench: The College Years.
  • 11:12 – So Rabbit Hole’s not just about a rabbit hole is it?
  • 11:08 – Eli Wallach, whose whistling was the above the title star of Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps… had better NOT have eaten the cannolis in the green room!
  • 11:06 – You know what sucks a baby’s cock? That Annette Bening became Hollywood royalty.
  • 11:05 – I don’t think Hooper should have won… but his movie is a really special one.
  • 11:03 – Tom Hooper won for The King’s Speech? Wow.
  • 11:00 – I cannot believe I’m still a man. This show is making me Buffalo Bill my penis around the room.
  • 10:58 – I wonder if there’s a meeting where they decide which deads get ignored on the Oscars. Is there a ratio? “Well, Person X was excellent in that indie film but People Magazine said he fucked an Ostrich in the mouth. Then there was that sitcom. Then he was late with his SAG fees. FUCK HIM”.
  • 10:57 – Halle Berry cheapens Lena Horne.
  • 10:53 – Barry. Menke. Nielsen. Postlethwaite. Penn. Kershner. Hopper. Saddest losses for me this year.
  • 10:53 – DEAD FUCKERS!
  • 10:48 – Newman’s speech was pretty great. See, I can be nice. He sorta looks like Ebert, except with all of his headparts.
  • 10:47 – Randy Newman wins for ‘Peppy Yet Inspirational Song’.
  • 10:45 – So many people hate Gwyneth. I don’t get it. I mean, that song was country poon… but she’s still a delight.
  • 10:43 – Hey it’s the girl from the Duets soundtrack!
  • 10:43 – Who’s this ginger holocaust?
  • 10:35 – About my Billy Crystal hate… I’m old enough to have watched Johnny Carson do it.
  • 10:35 – The Social Network wins editing award. Not sure how I feel about that.
  • 10:32 – Inception wins the award it deserves more than any others… VISUAL EFFECTS.
  • 10:29 – I hated Billy Crystal as the host of the Oscars. HATED him. I actually loved Letterman, which I guess makes me perfectly sane.
  • 10:26 – “Let’s pretend Billy Crystal isn’t fucking annoying!”
  • 10:21 – Inside Job wins. Banksy shrugs and finishes watching ‘The Eyes of Laura Mars’ on VHS.
  • 10:20 – I would never stop kicking Oprah Winfrey.
  • 10:19 – That montage of vocoder/autotune nightmare took some time off from its busy schedule of ripping shit off the wing while Lithgow watches.
  • 10:17 – WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME! This is literally worse than discovering Jesus is Swedish and filled with lies and soup.
  • 10:15 – God of Love wins the award for Best Short Film Named After Bad Brains’ Worst Album.
  • 10:14 – The drink can wait. I need to see these ugly people testify!
  • 10:13 – Some short inspirational film won an Oscar. I’m making myself a drink.
  • 10:11 – PRINCE OF PERSIA WAS ROBBED!
  • 10:09 – They just announced they’re adding all of Michael Bay’s sperm on that waitress’s back on June 7, 2010 to the ‘In Memorium’ segment.
  • 10:07 – They just used Jake Gyllenhaal and Oprah Winfrey to KEEP ME FROM CHANGING THE CHANNEL. Holy fucked.
  • 10:06 – This Zachary Levi dude looks like Ben Affleck: The Latin Edition. Or Mike Brady: The Latin Edition. Mandy Moore looks like Julia Stiles with a three-dimensional face.
  • 10:03 – Randy Newman is HORROR. His schtick was ok for like seven minutes in the 70’s or 80’s. God he annoys me so hard all the Gatorade I’ve ever had flies back up my pisshole.
  • 10:02 – Six people clapped for Obama. Go fuck yourself, people.
  • 10:01 – If you’re going to read your speech, just send some Indian up to fuck up on stage for you.
  • 10:00 – Costume Design goes to the amazing Colleen Atwood for the NOT AMAZING Alice in Wonderwhypeoplesawit.
  • 9:59 – The Wolf Man wins! Rick Baker is the best. I don’t want to say that Cate Blanchett isn’t great. She is amazing. And I bet her business is comforting and accepting.
  • 9:55 – Is Cate Blanchett wearing a dissected alien?
  • 9:54 – Melissa Tomei is very talented. And I bet her stuff is sweet in the night.
  • 9:53 – The only sound more beautiful than Celine Dion’s voice is Leatherface sawing through Celine Dion.
  • 9:49 – Inception wins for sound editing. You have to admit that when Ken Watanabe’s fart wakes them up from the dream it sounded like ZEUS KICKING THOR THROUGH THE ZOO.
  • 9:47 – Inception wins for sound mixing. And thanks for showing the death of the villain in True Grit, Oscars!
  • 9:45 – I think James Franco doesn’t realize that no matter how weird and stiff he is and how good of an actor he must be to earn his nomination in contrast to this show… THE VOTES ARE ALREADY TALLIED!
  • 9:43 – Best original score goes to The Social Network. It was my pick, though no score has blown my dick off this year like Daft Punk’s. And no score has really chewed my buttock like Howard Shore’s Lord of the Rings stuff.
  • 9:41 – Which is warmer, Nicole Kidman or the depths of space?
  • 9:39 – Get these borings off my TV!
  • 9:38 – Serious Tangent: These articles are often just me poking fun at people and the stuff I say is often cheap and superficial (I mean, Kirk Douglas doesn’t look anything like Mason Verger!) but there’s some real important stuff that involves stuff like this too. I’m not above heartwarming stuff, so I must say this: I really, REALLY want to watch Anne Hathaway fuck herself with a variety of long fruits and vegetables.
  • 9:37 – Bale was snubbed for Newsies. This is JUSTICE.
  • 9:33 – ‘Bloody ‘ell’. Best Oscar speech ever. Bale is great, but if he wasn’t a previous winner I think Rush should have won. Bale’s great. No doubt. He’ll win more.
  • 9:33 – That dude from that viral Terminator audio won an Oscar!
  • 9:30 – Reese Witherspoon has come a long way since Freeway. What a crying shame.
  • 9:27 – In Another World wins best foreign film. What kind of world do we live in when people from Denmark win things?
  • 9:27 – But I’d rather watch her fuck a long fruit.
  • 9:25 – Anne Hathaway can sing.
  • 9:22 – Well, I guess I can’t make Mars Needs Mom, my animated sequel to Dr. Detroit.
  • 9:18 – The King’s Speech wins best screenplay. By the way, FUCK YOUR KING’S SPEECH HATE, PUSSIES!
  • 9:16 – Sorkin deserved the award, but I wouldn’t have minded if they gave it to Sho Kosugi.
  • 9:14 – The award for best adapted screenplay goes to Aaron Sorkin!
  • 9:11 – Seal is on Dancing with the Scars always.
  • 9:08 – This show is really, REALLY stiff. You need people with tempo on the stage there. People who are alive and able to notice when it’s time to relax and when it’s time to add some bounce. This is inert and uncomfortable.
  • 9:05 – Toy Story 3 wins because of course it wins.
  • 9:03 – The Animated Short goes to The Lost Thing after Justin Timberlake brought unsexy back.
  • 8:59 – Melissa Leo almost un-deserves the award for that speech.
  • 8:55 – The winner for Best Supporting Actress is Melissa Leo as Boston Cunt!
  • 8:54 – The winner for Best Supporting Actress is… MASON VERGER HOLY FUCK GET ME OUT OF HERE!
  • 8:52 – Mason Verger.
  • 8:48 – Wally Pfister wins the Cinematography award. Across town, Wally Fister skips the lubrication and earns his fifty bucks.
  • 8:45 – Tim Burton. Ugh. Just leave.
  • 8:44 – Horrible in Horribleland wins an Oscar.
  • 8:43 – The winner of the Art Direction award… will be boring.
  • 8:40 – I love Franco… but these kids are stiff. STIFF.
  • 8:39 – Remember when the Oscars were great? Me neither.
  • 8:38 – Oh shit! I thought it was James Franco and Haddaway hosting the awards.
  • 8:36 – This is a cute YouTube parody.
  • 8:28 – Here comes the dry heave!
  • 8:27 – Just think, next year I won’t be able tot do this because I’ll be at the Oscars accepting the first annual Grizzly Park award.
  • 8:25 – Halle Berry is at least as authentic as my Secret Wars Kang figure.
  • 8:23 – Could anyone had ever predicted how boring Hugh Jackman would become?
  • 8:21 – John Carroll Lynch is great, but Dana Delaney deserves her own show like I deserve my Real Doll to rip.
  • 8:18 – Someone should replace one of the Oscar statues with a golem. The winner goes backstage and is rendered a loser by fists that never stop.
  • 8:14 – Christian Bale just called this big-boned broad “Mate”. I love him. My beard buries his, but whatever…
  • 8:13 – Nicole Kidman would be so less bitch if she’d married Urban Keith.
  • 8:10 – I don’t have time to check Wikipedia, has anyone ever won an Oscar and then kicked the podium over and burned a cross onstage?
  • 8:06 – “Oscar winner Sandra Bullock”. That phrase fucks my butt in prison.
  • 8:05 – This Tim Gunn guy needs to fall into the Sarlaac.
  • 8:02 – Natalie Portman looks great despite having Galaxy of Terror growing within.
  • 8:01 – What kind of stretchmarks do you think Miss Jennifer Hudson owns? Are we talking cute little subtle reminders or THE NIGHTBREED?
  • 8:00 – I mean, we have another half hour of this pestilence? Holy bleeding assballs.
  • 7:59 – Get ready for dogshit!
  • 7:45 – Warren Beatty doesn’t look a day over EVERY DAY SINCE FIRE.
  • 7:39 – Despite the fact I’d ejaculate the moment she entered my zip code, Scarlett Johannsen is the boringest thing since Boring Donaldson built Boredomtown.
  • 7:35 – Melissa Leo’s saucy ‘for your consideration’ advertisement is one of the most overblown things in town. You can’t even see her clit!
  • 7:33 – This guy interviewing Marisa Tomei must be scaring all around. I can just imagine him being like “Who are you wearing? Oh look, a PENIS!” and then running off-camera.
  • 7:27 – What the fuck was Russell Brand doing on the Oscars? He makes me want to shit in my hair.

(Winner in YELLOW. Wishful thinking in PINK)

BEST MOTION PICTURE OF THE YEAR

“Black Swan”
“The Fighter”
“Inception”
“The Kids Are All Right”
“The King’s Speech”
“127 Hours”
“The Social Network”
“Toy Story 3″
“Hell Comes to Frogtown”
“True Grit”
“Winter’s Bone”

ACHIEVEMENT IN DIRECTING
“Black Swan”, Darren Aronofsky
“The Fighter”, David O. Russell
“Stakeout”, John Badham
“The King’s Speech”, Tom Hooper
“The Social Network”, David Fincher
“True Grit”, Joel Coen and Ethan Coen

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

Javier Bardem in “Biutiful”
Jeff Bridges in “True Grit”
Jesse Eisenberg in “The Social Network”
Colin Firth in “The King’s Speech”
Bruce in “Jaws”
James Franco in “127 Hours”

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Christian Bale in “The Fighter”
Treat Williams in “Dead Heat”
John Hawkes in “Winter’s Bone”
Jeremy Renner in “The Town”
Mark Ruffalo in “The Kids Are All Right”
Geoffrey Rush in “The King’s Speech”

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

Annette Bening in “The Kids Are All Right”
Nicole Kidman in “Rabbit Hole”
Jennifer Lawrence in “Winter’s Bone”
Natalie Portman in “Black Swan”
Tanya Roberts in “Sheena”
Michelle Williams in “Blue Valentine”

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Amy Adams in “The Fighter”
Helena Bonham Carter in “The King’s Speech”
Melissa Leo in “The Fighter”
Hailee Steinfeld in “True Grit”
Isabelle Fuhrman in “Orphan”
Jacki Weaver in “Animal Kingdom”

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM

“How to Train Your Dragon”
“The Illusionist”
“Urotsukidoji: The Legend of the Overfiend”
“Toy Story 3″

ACHIEVEMENT IN ART DIRECTION

“Alice in Wonderland”
“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1″
“Inception”
“The King’s Speech”
“Harry and Tonto”
“True Grit”

ACHIEVEMENT IN CINEMATOGRAPHY

“Black Swan”
“Inception”
“The King’s Speech”
“The Social Network”
“The Ghoulies”
“True Grit”

ACHIEVEMENT IN COSTUME DESIGN

“Alice in Wonderland”
“Shortbus”
“I Am Love”
“The King’s Speech”
“The Tempest”
“True Grit”

BEST DOCUMENATRY FEATURE

“Exit through the Gift Shop”
“Gasland”
“Cloverfield”
“Inside Job”
“Restrepo”
“Waste Land”

BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT

“Killing in the Name”
“Poster Girl”
“Strangers No More”
“Sun Come Up”
“The Station Agent”
“The Warriors of Qiugang”

ACHIEVEMENT IN FILM EDITING

“Black Swan”
“Dune”
“The Fighter”
“The King’s Speech”
“127 Hours”
The Social Network”

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM OF THE YEAR

“Biutiful”
“Dogtooth”
“In a Better World”
“Snatch”
“Incendies”
“Outside the Law (Hors-la-loi)”

ACHIEVEMENT IN MAKEUP

“Barney’s Version”
“The Way Back”
“Bowling for Columbine”
“The Wolf Man”