Mailbagsukidoji:

Your letters. My smartass replies.The Steady Leak
may not be so steady these days, but your letters have been, so I must
share them and answer them so that the wheels keep turning on this
crazy little bitch. Feel free to ask whatever about whomever or
whatever, and I’ll do my best to answer it. Letters in here might be
positive, negative, or indifferent and I’ll try to maintain a balance.
Please keep sending them in (SEND A LETTER), as it’s you who fuels this column. With that said, here we go….

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5 Year Grudge.

Mitch to the left!Lu-Hai writes:

Your review of born on the fourth of july was
really CRAP. If you have dyslexia then maybe you could be forgiven but
otherwise you are a member of a bad breed of writers. By the way there ARE more
eloquent ways of expressing EMPHASIS than using CAPITALS, especially don’t use
them as often as you did. MAybe people in America are used to badly written
reviews like this but in the UK we don’t agree with them. And you used really
unneccessary humour inappropiately.

I did agree with your review by the way, but ‘porn
on the 4th of jluy’ you should be shot.
p.s. sorry this is badly written and misspelt but
maybe its all you’re used to.


Nick’s Reply: Jesus-Hai H. Christ-Hai. The review is five years old and from a time when I was the guy running IGN DVD. Shit, it’s so old that the screencaps are gone. See for yourself here! I love it when I get some weird disconnected comment over something that happened ages ago. Look, I’m a different writer today. A better one. My motivations aren’t the same. In the past the joke was the driving force and now I try to make sense first and tell jokes second. It doesn’t always work but that review is some old stuff. As for your grammatical gripes, I blame the old IGN backend. I couldn’t easily do text modifications back then. It was archaic. Live with it. As for your criticisms, I think you’re a bad person and in need of either treatment or flurries of eye-punches. I’d recommend the latter.

(SEND A LETTER)

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Sucker!

Mitch to the right.Nick writes:

Question: I came across something in my travels on the interwebs and it was a trailer for a movie that doesn’t exist called Grayson I think. It was Robin investigating the murder of Batman. Have you guys heard about this at all and what the deal is with it?

Nick’s Reply: Grayson is just another in a series of scarily popular fan films where people take their homegrown filmmaking skills (some good, some not) and instead of coming up with their own exciting stories and characters, use existing ones. In my mind it’s a total waste of resources, because no one is going to see one of them and greenlight a Grayson or Batman flick because of them. Additionally, it paints a freakish and obsessive picture of the creator who does such. Sandy Collura did a fan flick and apparently converted it to some sort of deal but overall it’s a trend that I hope dies a bloody death. This year there was thankfully no fan flick travelling through the San Diego Comic Con or maybe it wasn’t in my face because Carl Cunningham didn’t have it on heavy rotation on his laptop. Either way, Grayson isn’t real and I’m thankful.

(SEND A LETTER)

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Movies Ain’t Cheap!

Mitch to the left!Rod writes:

About today’s article on ‘Murderball’s performance: while there may be alot of resistance to seeing the movie because of the subject matter, MY main reason for not seeing the movie is totally economic. Movies cost too damn much, and to see something that I can enjoy eventually at home for a lot less money makes more sense than spending ten bucks and putting up with driving over to the local googleplex and dealing with traffic on a hot day when gas is over $2.50 a gallon. Movies that demand that kind of theatre experience (so far only Star Wars and War of the Worlds has come close to approaching that) makes it worthwhile, but a documentary? Nah. Hell, the reason that most people didn’t flood to see ‘Island’ and other big boom pics is because we have to be more discriminating now; expenses are up, can’t just fork over that kind of cash for a movie we now will suck, no matter how pretty it is!

So I’m sorry that good small flicks are not getting their money up front.
You know DVD sales will cover for it later. The only ones that really have anything to complain about are the Hollywood cash mongers that want their up-front flood of money. I don’t think anyone is going broke on these things!

Except Dreamworks…

Nick’s Reply: I can’t get behind your argument, sorry. When I see that a crappy Catwoman comic is going for $3.50 and that a Chick-Fil-A combo meal exceeds $6.00, the movie prices aren’t that big a deal. Plus, I think you’ll probably get a better value for your money if you see Murderball than if you went to see The Dukes of Hazzard or whatever else you plan to plunk down for. It’s not an incredible amount of money, especially when we all spend untold amounts of extraneous dough on the weirdest and most trivial shit. Like gas. Like booze. Like the waste of money known as toll booths that NEVER STOP ROOKING US EVEN THOUGH THE DEPT. OF TRANSPORTATION SUCKS.

This summer’s box office bullshit is just that. Don’t tow the party line.

(SEND A LETTER)

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Quadraparaquiniplegic.

Mitch to the right.John writes:

Quadrapeligic? I’ve been reading this term in reference to
this movie a lot. Quadrapeligic means paralyzed in both arms and legs, the
prefix quad, meaning four gives that away. Are these guys quadrapeligics? If
so how do they do anything at all since both their arms and legs don’t work.
Perhaps the media means they are Parapeligic, which means just their legs are
paralyzed. I’ve been reading this mistake everywhere, Cnn, Ew, Aintitcool, and
here, and not just the net, but in print as well. I haven’t seen the movie, but
from the trailers I’m pretty sure these guys are just parapeligics. I hope
C.H.U.D is the first entertainment media outlet that recognizes this error and
fixes it. This has been bothering me for weeks.

Nick’s Reply: I changed that text in Devin’s article but he told me that it is folks like you who are wrong in the definition of a quadriplegic. He was apparently correct, a fact backed by the star of Murderball. So there!

(SEND A LETTER)

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The Leak is Life.

Mitch to the left!William writes:

Hope the Leak doesn’t get the axe. The regular columns on Chud are what distinguishes it from the numerous other movie sites I visit, and what makes Chud the best. I wish you would take time to look over the hits per page; I remember reading that you did not do that, instead of doing the Leak for praise. People write letters to complain, not to praise, 90% of the time. Everytime a hint of Leak death comes up I see Chud Forum posts begging to keep it, and letters in the next Leak Letters to keep it up.

I have written to the Leak a few times, even got a few letters up, and hope to read it in the future, even if it is an abbreviated Leak.

I’d love to get a Leak every 2-3 weeks, with Leak Letters on off weeks.

All in all, do the Leak because you enjoy it, not because you’re looking for everyone to tell you it’s great. Plenty of people have done that, and if you still question doing the Leak it may just not be fun for you to write. I think that needs to be rectified before any volume of letters makes your decision for you.

Nick’s Reply: My goal is to have the letters come weekly, something I’ve done a decent job of doing, even though the letters aren’t as frequent as they were when there was an actual Leak on a regular basis. Help me out, people! As for the column, I’m working on one now for a possible Thursday arrival if things work out. Thanks for writing!

(SEND A LETTER)

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Lanced.

Mitch to the right.Dave writes:

Hey Nick, first off, just want to say I really enjoy the CHUD podcast and hope
they continue at a normal pace. Also, this is in response to a letter from Leak
Letters #19 about Lance Armstrong. While reading your reply, I very big smile
came across my average looking face. I am so sick and tired of bracelets and
ribbons that I now hate people who wear one or have 5 on their SUV. I have
never had cancer but members of my family have so I’m not totally on the
outside, but what the fuck do those things do? Raise Awareness? Oh, thank god
for those bracelets then because 16 months ago I had no idea what cancer was!
It’s also good to know that the asshole with the tattered American flag
scotch-taped to his radio antenna in the SUV that just cut me off supports the
troops, because for a second I thought he might be a bad guy. Does it really
help these people sleep at night thinking they are making the world a better
place? If I got cancer (or a real close friend or family member for that
matter), I do not want your support, I just want you to donate money to research
to finding a cure. There is no need to show your support to me, as a driver
behind you. I don’t want bracelets, I don’t want ribbons, I don’t want
walk-a-thons, I don’t want a lit candle in a bag. These are empty things that
do nothing to really help cancer research in my opinion. I just wish more
people thought like this so we wouldn’t look so goddamn moronic to other
places. I look forward to about 24 months from now when everyone throws away
there ribbons and stupid hipsters start wearing them instead because they think
being ironic is awesome.


Nick’s Reply: Well, I think the thing is that people want to have some tangible sign of whatever is it that they do, whether it be a sticker from the Policeman’s Fraternity thing, an American Flag, or a ribbon. It’s like those people who can’t exercise without telling you "I’m going to work out" or "I just jogged to Mecca while you were watching Sportscenter" or whatever. Almost as if it doesn’t count unless you show it off. Once again, I wasn’t belittling the cause, I was just jabbing the people who are only thinking about how great it makes them look if they have a rubber item on their wrist to show for it. I’m not going to avoid hitting a car because of its ‘Baby on Board’ sign, I’m going to avoid hitting it because I like to be uninjured and would prefer not to hurt anyone else out there. The sign means JACK. I’m just hoping that biking retreats back to the relative obscurity it deserves in my sports life.

(SEND A LETTER)

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Who Reads the Name of the Author on this Site?

Mitch to the left!Kyle writes:

After
reading your review of “The Aristocrats”, I only have one comment: You’re an idiot, aren’t
you?

Nick’s Reply: Um, I don’t get it. Devin (the guy who wrote the interview, maybe you ought to read the top of the page) gave the film a review. He liked it, so does it make him and idiot because you disagree? If so, perhaps you ought to be a religious leader in 530 a.d. I liked the film, though nowhere near as much as Devin did, but your email is frankly dumb. DUMB.

(SEND A LETTER)

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Forgotten.

Mitch to the right.Andre writes:

I am telling all my online friends about chud.com!! This 100 list is a great, great link! People can find stuff to watch at the video store, FINALLY!

Oh, you did not mention:

"The Last of the Mohicans" it did not do as well as big epics should at the box office, but it is now one of the best action/romance/dramas made. Michael Mann no less.

"Groundhog Day" came to mind too, but it might have done well I’m not sure.

Nick’s Reply: I hope you have a million online friends. We could use a spike in traffic. As for your suggestions, I think both are already quite well regarded, though I’m not a big fan of either. Of course, it might have to do with the fact that I’m not a fan of Danielhyphendaylewishyphen.

(SEND A LETTER)

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Requisite Devin Email #762.

Mitch to the left!Travis writes:

What good is Devin? I read his reviews and all he
likes are movies that are about zombies or someone gory like that. It’s like he
dislikes big profile movies on purpose trying to look "cool" then they go on to
make millions of dollars….. and then he’ll talk about how good all these
foreign films and independent films are so good trying to sound like Roger Ebert
or something.

Nick’s Reply: Scroll through our reviews archive for what I call damning evidence. By that, I mean he kicks your theory in the dick, has a latte, and goes back to kicking your theory on and around your theory’s pubic area.

(SEND A LETTER)

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Creature Cornered.

Mitch to the right.David writes:

If you think "High Tension" is a "real" horror film,
you’re not a horror fan, not by a longshot. Is there anything you guys don’t
like? Thank you.

Nick’s Reply:
I think this is the David Grove who has contributed to our own Creature Corner (about to undergo a MAJOR transformation in staff and design) from time to time. Funnily enough, I’m a huge horror fan who hated High Tension (why don’t people ever read the name of the author?), but we hardly like everything, including you.

(SEND A LETTER)

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SPAM OF THE DAY!

Mitch to the left!

Khoren writes:

I am Khoren Pnjoyan, Personal/ Corporate Legal Adviser to Mikhail Khodorkovsky the richest man in Russia and owner of the following
companies: Chairman CEO: YUKOS OIL (Russian Largest Oil Company) Chairman

CEO: Menatep SBP Bank (A well reputable financial institution with its branches all over the world). I seek your partnership to accommodate the sum US$45M (Forty five Million United States Dollars) for us. Mikhail Khodorkovsky got arrested for his involvement on politics in financing the leading and opposing political parties (the Union of Right Forces, led by Boris Nemtsov, and Yabloko, a liberal/social democratic party led by Gregor
Yavlinsky) which posed treat to President Vladimir Putin second tenure as Russian president before he was re-elected On March 14, 2004.


Mr. Grunt and Point’s Reply: I know this guy who was a claymation expert for the Nestle company’s advertising team. You want to talk about someone who posed treats…

Oh, and Khoren Pnjoyan’s a silly name. Did your daddy have a spasm while filling out your bjirth pnyapers?

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