caThere’s a movie coming out this month called The Aristocrats, and it may be one of the funniest movies I have ever seen. It’s also possibly the foulest. It’s just 100 comedians all telling the same joke – the filthiest joke in the world. That may sound like a recipe for snoozing, but it’s fantastic. The Aristocrats left me sore with laughter.

The movie has such strong content – in language only – that it’s being released unrated. And of course some of the usual right wing pundits have had to get their say in about how filthy it all is. So Penn Jillette, who made the film along with Paul Provenza, has penned this open letter:

The Aristocrats:  Everyone Who Sees this Movie, Will Love It

 By filmmaker, Penn Jillette

That’s my goal.  I want everyone who sees our movie, “The Aristocrats” to enjoy it.  I really do.   So far we’ve done a really good job.  We’ve had only a few people walk out, and most everyone else seemed to have a great time.  Certainly a higher percentage of people who’ve seen our movie liked it than the percentage of people who liked “Lord of the Rings.”  One reason is that “Lord of the Rings” sucks and our movie is good.  But more importantly, everyone is supposed to like “Lord of the Rings.”  They made it for everyone, because everyone has all the money.  We didn’t make “The Aristocrats” for everyone; we made it for our friends.

You can tell right away our flick ain’t for everyone.  Our movie uses that four letter word that begins with “C.”  Our movie uses that word a lot.  A way lot.  You know the word; it’s the word you say and everyone is automatically sexually harassed.  A hostile work environment in one word.  It’s the word that adults call “The C word” in front of other adults.  Adults who say every other dirty word as every part of speech won’t say that goddamn C word.   When Aristocrats say the C word in the movie, it’s worse than just using the C word.   We don’t use it in anger or as a mere ejaculation.  We don’t even use it as synecdoche.  The Aristocrats mean it as the real thing.  We’re not just using dirty words; we’re using dirty images, and dirty ideas.  And even worse, we’re doing it just for fun.  Just for a laugh.  The movie’s not for everyone.

 “Don’t say shit in front of a C. H. I. L. D.”  – Kinky Friedman

Think of the most disgusting images you can.  Think of the worst scatological and non-consensual sex you can.   Imagine children.  Imagine young children.  Imagine children that are related to each other.  Children who are related to you.  Imagine animals.  Young endangered animals who are related to each other.  Young endangered animals who are related to you.  Nope, you’re not even close.  The movie has over 100 professionals.  They are much more disgusting than you can ever be, that’s because they’re professionals. 

The movie is a lot more than dirty words and disgusting images.  The taboo language is not even the main thrust; the main thrust is a movie with no nudity, no violence, and no conflict.  It’s a movie about laughing with your friends.  It’s very political because it’s not political at all.  The Aristocrats just take for granted they can say anything they want.  Fighting for freedom is a losing battle.  Taking liberty is what real Americans do.  It’s a love story, it’s political, it’s patriotic, it’s funny, funny, funny, funny, funny, funny.  But, you shouldn’t see it if you’ve ever been offended by any word ever ever. 

If you’re going to be offended don’t bother coming.  It was a cheap movie to make.  We don’t need everyone’s money.   We have other jobs.  Our asses aren’t on the line.  If you think you’re going to like this movie, please, you’re invited.  If you’re in Vegas and you meet me, I’ll show it to you for free over my house.  My wife and I will serve popcorn.  But, if you you’ve EVER been offended by any joke, read a book, I suggest “Moby Dick.” 

Michael Moore and Mel Gibson are the same person, except for a few sit-ups.  Moore thought his cheesy political blooper reel was going to tell people how to vote.  Mel thought that his little gay SM movie about his imaginary friend was going to help him get to heaven.  George W. Bush is president and there’s still no god.  You failed boys.  Someone should have told Mike that the bad guys are smarter than him and someone should have told Mel that the Three Stooges were Jewish. 

Both those filthy rich losers wanted EVERYONE to see their movies.  Moore wanted the Republicans to be shocked by how wrong they were and see the light shining out of his fat ass.  Mel went for straight off the rack proselytizing.   They both just got even richer. 

I’m already richer than I should be.  I don’t want to shock or offend anyone who doesn’t enjoy being shocked and offended.  I want to make people laugh and love life and love watching all my friends making each other laugh.

So, IF YOU HAVE EVER EVER EVER BEEN OFFENDED BY ANY JOKE – DO NOT SEE THE ARISTOCRATS!  If you think you might be offended by our movie, why don’t you go see “Lord of the Rings?”  (in other words: go to hell.)

And then — everyone who sees our movie will love it. 

Courtesy of FLM Magazine, Copyright 2005, Landmark Theatres