Back in the day (2003 and 2004), I used to do a Poster Attack! column where I’d showcase some recent movie posters and crack wise about them. I really didn’t see some reason not to still be doing these and since I have some time to kill on this morning (the one I turn 33 and officially become an LP), I figured I’d ressurect this sucker to see if you cats are paying attention. Without further ado… POSTER ATTACK!
The Brothers Grimm There are a ton of character posters for this one, a film we’d be pretty much idiots not to be excited for, but only one of them features the innate sex appeal of Monica Bellucci. Honestly, her breasts should have their own religion. The fact she’s sort of fondling them only adds to the beauty of it all. I see text on the poster but all I see are titties. This bears the question: Is it possible to maintain eye contact with Monica Bellucci? I bet it’s easier to maintain eye contact with Pruit Taylor-Vince, though you’d have to be really quick on the draw.
The Exorcism of Emily Rose I went on the set of this flick earlier this year and it looks like a winner if for nothing else Campbell Scott’s award winning mustache. The image above is the signature one from the film, that of young Emily Rose and the tree that is so freaky Tim Burton masturbates to it. Nightly. Not to be confused with mid-80’s Spanish classic The Circumcision of Emilio Rosa.
Just Like Heaven Mark Ruffalo fucked up, homes. That line works better if you say it using Cliff Curtis’ Training Day accent. Wait, a love story where one of the participants is a poltergeist? Been done. Ghost for one. Dragonheart for two, and who can forget I Sucked Off a Spectre? That said, it’s never been done with a chin quite as powerful as Reese’s. I really hope there’s a scene where he does offer her a bouquet of flowers, to which she answers "I’m long defeated, lover. Hand them to someone with with hands."
My Date with Drew I guess this is what happens when studio notes change a perfectly good concept from My Date With Calibos into this pap. Actually, my first instinct is that the propaganda prowess of Flower Films was in high gear but it’s apparently a small flick by a guy who has a huge crush on Drew’s man chin. Good for him, I guess. It gives me hope that I can do a feature about my perennial quest to high five Courtney Gains.
Pretty Persuasion You know how Oscar nominees always get "Academy Award Nominee" or whatever put before their name on movie posters to build cred for it? I feel that way about James Woods. I think there should be a bit of text in a small font above his name that reads "Hung Jury Member". Otherwise, this could be a fun flick and you know our own Dave Davis is frustrated by how little time he has before Evan Rachel Wood becomes legal. Hang in there Dave. Hung in there James!
I Walk the Line Wait a minute. Why is the guy on the poster looking like Joaquin Phoenix, he of misused vowels? It should be Robert Picardo up there. No one else is fit to play Johnny Cab. Wait, it’s Johnny CASH? Oh, that’s fine then. This is an amazing poster, very striking in a "Dave Johnson meets Rock and Roll Over sort of way". I like Johnny Cash fine, though a little of his music goes a long way. I hope they delve into his origin where you discover he’s named after the currency that secretly changes hands in men’s restrooms. I hope Robert Patrick does a good job playing his father as well, though it’ll be a stretch believing him to be an alcoholic when we’ve all seen him walk through bars.