If you were one of the alleged 111,000,000 viewers* who saw the Super Bowl yesterday I hope you had the decency and forethought to slip away during the halftime presentation. Here’s an incomplete list of things that would have been healthier choices:

  • Dying in the woods
  • Kicking a beehive into your wife’s face
  • Jumping into a well holding knives and lit firecrackers
  • Attempting to swim across the Pacific Ocean right after supper
  • Trampolining with Aretha Franklin and porcupines
  • Jumping off a helicopter onto a burning helicopter
  • Sharksex

I am not the target audience of the Black Eyed Peas because I have human being ears. And because I like when people who are in a band make music. And because I think the autotune¬† effect is fueled by microchips and Hitler juice. To watch their halftime show was to witness an atrocity. Maybe it wasn’t Darfur or Vietnam, but it was horrific in its own special way. There will be a new classification of Shell Shock based on this occurrence. Even when distracted by fancy light shows and heavily planned danced sequences (why couldn’t Usher have shattered like a Hummel when he did his split?), the theft of material and shitty performance reached a critical mass that I shant soon forget. Like the loss of a loved one. Or passing a kidney boulder.

The Black Eyed Peas took a pissing shit on us all. That shit was like watching the music in The Fifth Element. It was music from a horrible, terrible future we’ll never see because it killed all the sperm in our living balls.

Oh and men, you are being sold a bill of goods on Fergie. She’s not hot. Unless you get aroused by the ‘Land of Confusion’ video. OK, she’s Richard Nixon hot. She looks pretty good for Richard Nixon.

So, the advertisement reel sandwiched with helmeted men is now the most watched event in television history. On a related note, we really need aliens to arrive and sweep off us off Earth into space and laugh as we all become sad little frozen Tim Robbinses as we drift someplace hellish we deserve.

Here’s a snippet from Variety on the subject:

“Sunday’s Super Bowl became the most-watched program in U.S. television history by averaging 111 million viewers.”

Actually that’s the whole article. I just reprinted a Variety article in its entirety. I am an iconoclast!

* Apologies to one-eyed or zero-eyed people I counted in the 222,000,000 eyes comment in the headline. Not because you somehow lost eyes. Because I assumed that all viewers are graced with two delightful eyes. They’re great. You should try and have both if at all possible.