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STUDIO: Brookland Bros. Entertainment
MSRP: $14.96
RUNNING TIME: 76 Minutes
SPECIAL FEATURES:
- A preview
The Pitch
Do you think people will buy a DVD of the behind the scenes footage from a few pornos we just shot?
The Humans
Berlin, Tana, Jada Fire, Raquel Devine, Trina Michaels, Alana Evans, Derrick Pierce, Steve Driver, Jay Huntington, Sergio, Mark Davis, Zayda, Wet Jazmin (really?), Amber Chase, Tool Time Tina (stunned silence), Kristen, Tammy Ryder and Cletus Van Damm. Directed by Sean and “T” Brookland.
The Nutshell
Behind the scenes footage of five different porn movies including, Palin- Erection 2008, Call to Booty, Tammy’s Class, Wet Jazmin and Tool Time Tina.
Cletus found himself aroused as Wet Jazmin stared at him... and the guy to his left.
The Lowdown
Several years ago my best friend and his girlfriend called me up to tell me that a new pornshop (one word. Like Cornershop) opened up in town and it featured Bend, Oregon’s one and only handicapped jerk off booth. As we were young and easily amused, we found ourselves down there a few hours later with our fists full of quarters and our eyes full of dreams. We walked into the room, closed the door behind us and found that the stall was made up of a giant hard plastic shelf the size of a twin bed jutting out of the wall and three television monitors with a slot for bills and change. We thought about trying to all squeeze onto the brand new jizzbed, but figured that standing shoulder to shoulder around the screens in a half circle might be a little more hygienic and slightly less creepy.
After pumping in our quarters, the screens flickered and started showing three different porn flicks, one for each monitor. One had a hot black chick chained to a wall getting whipped by a pale and chunky white guy, the second had some kind of urine action going on and the third had a fairly sleepy missionary scene from the ’70’s. After about 60 seconds of this, the door to our stall opened and a middle aged man in a Hawaiian shirt leaned in and smiled. As I was silently chastising myself for not locking the door, he spoke up and said, “You guys wanna party?” Instantly, my best friend’s Catholic Virgin girlfriend says, “No thanks, we’re good.” After about ten seconds of silence where we all just stood there, staring at each other as the porn played unwatched and unloved in the background, he turned around and started to walk out. As he got to the door, he did a slow turn back to us and with the saddest face I’ve ever seen outside of pictures of Rwanda, he said, “Well, some people like to party.” And with that, he was gone. The three of us stood around in silence until the movies ended, not making eye contact or even enjoying that which was so amusing to us only moments before. The room seemed desperate to us then and tinged with sadness. I hated myself a little for getting so much pleasure out of someone else’s hell. They drove me home in silence and, as I got out of the car, I asked them if they wanted to come inside and watch The Little Mermaid with me. I felt that only Disney could wash away that night. After they politely declined, I took two steps away from them, did a slow turn back and said, “Well, some people like to party.” And all was right again in the world.
"Your motivation here is that you're tired of a post 9-11 world that doesn't understand the pressures of being a post-modern male in America, balls deep in a grody French maid."
I told that story for two reasons. 1) So you could see how sad my life is and 2) because I wanted to illustrate my relationship with porn. It doesn’t turn me on so much as kind of make me look at it with slack jawed wonder, while thinking about what kind of person can show their taint on film. I’ve dated strippers and known a few Suicide Girls but none of them has ever been able to articulate to me the hunger they have for sharing their naughty bits with strangers for money (and no, not all of them were molested by an uncle when they were 9). So, with that in mind, I was excited to review Behind The XXX in hopes that it might open a window into the mindset of those in the sex trade. Instead, I got a cut and paste series of behind the scenes footage. edited together with no rhyme or reason. Honestly, this DVD should be the special features that comes with the actual porn movies.
We start out with Wet Jazmin, an impressively unattractive woman with gigantic floppy breasts who somehow manages to be cross eyed and dead eyed, simultaneously. She’s playing a Girl Scout trying to sell cookies to Master Cocksman Cletus Van Damm but, instead of buying cookies, he bangs her on the couch. It’s fucking hilarious hearing the director telling Wet to act like she’s never had sex before and then watching her trying to figure out how to say “I’m a good girl” without sounding like a jaded pornstar getting slammed from behind. After finishing he asks for some cookies but, sadly, there are none to be had.
On the set of Tom Cruise's Table Fuckin'.
With no fanfare (or editing skill) we jump to Zayda, who has a pretty face but weird boobs. I say weird because they’re shaped like an angry invisible person is squeezing them really hard. She gets rallied on a table by Mr. Van Damm who is now sporting a pair of Army fatigues. I think he’s supposed to be a soldier home from Iraq and she’s a French maid or something. I don’t think this is very accurate in it’s portrayal, since I’m pretty sure no one with a fuckable French maid is fighting in the War on Terror. I don’t think they did their research on this one.
Next is Tana The Tattooed Lady. She talks about wanting to be covered in tats from head to toe so she can become a true “Illustrated Woman”. I wish her luck because she comes across as really sweet and cute but also kind of dumb and naive. She giggles a lot and made me want to mute the movie, but that just kind of felt like cheating.
It's like one of John McCain's dreams, only with more black people and less 8 year old Asian boys.
The highlight for me was watching Raquel Devine getting decked out to look like Sarah Palin right before fucking a black guy who looks nothing like Obama but is playing him anyway (racism or empowerment?). Then Jada Fire comes out (who I’ve seen before, doing some absolutely repugnant shit) and plays Michelle Obama. She sexes a bald guy who is playing Joe The Plumber from Super Mario Brothers (or Fox News?). During the scene, Jada calls her vagina “Fat” so many times I started to feel like she was being too hard on (heh) Mrs. Obama, but then I thought maybe she meant PHAT, which is much nicer but also more confusing. They all seemed to be having a lot of fun playing political figures, but managed to not say anything about their political affiliations or whether they think the Tea Party is a front for the Westboro Baptist Church members. I might have just been projecting what I wanted them to say.
The last half an hour just bounces around to the girls we’ve seen already doing photo shoots and talking about how much fun porn is and really looking like they mean it. All the women on this disc (I refuse to call it a movie) seem really happy and excited to be fucking for money without having to carry a gun or be susceptible to pimp slaps. The men are all kinda giddy about what they’re doing (which is understandable) but they also seem a little bored by vagina’s (which isn’t). I refuse to pity people who get paid for loving what they do, even if that thing leaves them with mascara running down their cheeks or the slight possibility of AIDS.
"Am I reading now? How 'bout now? Now? How 'bout now?" Broad generalizations make me smile.
The whole disc is awful. You jump from one Fuckactor to the next, sometimes while they’re in the middle of sentences. There’s no flow to the editing, no insight into the world of Adult Sintertainment and half of the women are uglier than old balls. The one thing it does well is show you that porn is a business and nothing more. The actors are yawning while getting blown and the actresses come across as sweet and well meaning, but ultimately vapid and shallow.
This is a shameless money grab. The Brothers Brookland have edited together the bonus footage from five different porno movies and are selling it as if it’s a documentary exploring the unseen side of the Adult Video Industry. Yes, there are some attractive ladies and tons of sex shot from angles that avoid showing full blown penetration, but it’s all for nothing because guess what? You’re on the Internet right now and have the freedom (for now) to watch some actually gorgeous people engage in passionate, mostly consensual lovemaking. It’s gloriously free (you also get to see p’s going in v’s or a’s on the m’s or even the j’s all up in the g’s!!) and you never have to hear them talk about what they fucking had for breakfast that day. Unless that’s your thing. Which is fine. Because, as we all know… some people like to party.
Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to chug some cock.
The Package
This entire feature is one giant deleted scene. There is also a trailer for a porno called “Vamp Vixens” which looks like Twilight mixed with Suicide Girls divided by people having sex with each other. Also, the DVD case says there is a “sexy photo gallery” but there’s not. It’s all lies and pictures of also lies. Thanks, Brookland Bros. You guys fucking suck.
Rating: 
Out of a Possible 5 Stars