.Hostage surprised the shit out of me. Not literally, as there’d have been a rift between myself and the AMC Theaters chain. The film was fun, so fun I literally took a shit in the theater. Wait. I didn’t literally shit. I figuratively shit. My brain’s ass made poops at the theater. Ah screw it, I took massive shits all in and around the theater as I enjoyed Hostage, starring Bruce Willis, Ben Foster, and KIM COATES.

Scatalogical intro aside, Hostage is a really nifty movie, half foreign thriller and half American action flick. That it does both so well surprises me and gives me hope for director Florent Siri and the smirking future of Mr. Bruce Willis. It’s gritty, cool, and a nice counteragent to a lot of the polluting thrillers in recent memory.

I have a stack of these DVDs waiting to go out to a cadre of lucky CHUD.com readers with verve and intelligence. Or at least an email account.

Answer these questions below and please include your mailing address lest I delete your email as if it were from Knuckles P. McStretchmark-Masterminds:

1. Kim Coates is pretty much the best thing since sunlight. What other three character actors deserve more attention?

2. What’s the best thing you’ve ever gotten for free, and please don’t send me a religious answer or I might boot down my laptop and go running around in the yard until next Tuesday if you do. There’s a question in there somewhere.

3. Speaking of, why is it that people never ask before adding your email address to their mailing lists of bad office jokes, bogus inspirational messages, or links to videos of people getting smashed against their will?

4. If you were a hostage in Hollywood, what two captors would you like to hold you at funpoint?