Aside from slathering over CHUD’s WILF-ability two months ago, I haven’t been able to come up with a single thing to write about since. News and movies are covered and I’m not usually self-aggrandizing to think anyone gives more than 3 Charcharadon shits for anything going on in my life right now because A) I’m no Barry (though I have been called Hairy) and I’m no Nick, (though I’ve definitely been called Dick).

Well, not usually self-aggrandizing until now. So here’s 3 Charcharadon shits to spare and a beefy, preemptive thanks for letting me indulge in the reason most people hate blogs: 110% pretentious writing about MEMEMEMEME! as if anyone cares.

So yeah– Utah seems to keep popping up in the news lately, which maybe I’m noticing because I live there. 

Either way, by Utah standards I’ve got a weird pedigree in that most “Utahns” are lifelong members of the Utah Bubble Club. I’m not. Which is ok, as on surface I fit the Utah mold: white, married and Mormon (yeah, I’m a Mormon- Fuck you*)… but in my black and shriveled interior, I’m not quite mainstream– occasionally at odds with a general group of well-intentioned, helpful, and usually generous people who can be ridiculously judgmental types that easily whip my moderate political bent into roiling ball of indignant fury.

Types who (albeit innocently) call all Asians Chinese and cut you off in traffic without so much as a wave. Types who edit movies to remove “objectionable” content, cry foul at getting shut down, then get busted for child porn. Types who profess loving Christ on Sundays and later in the week volunteer the Middle East and all its innocent men, women and children up for nuclear destruction or collateral damage– oh, and throw in some illegal immigrants while you’re at it. And last but not least, people like super-rich theater/Utah Jazz owners who won’t show “Brokeback Mountain” but will justify no more than a 5% tip when being served (I don’t know how those really tie together, but don’t think I wouldn’t remember to throw that in, Larry Miller. You cheap bastard!).

So while my gripes feel wholly cantankerous, I’ll be the first to admit they range from “You’re-a-bastard” petty to “Step-on-your-own-satchel” maddening. Still, Utah’s not such a bad place considering every state is inhabited with assholes, cheapskates and ignoramuses.

And therein lies the rub: Utah’s idiosyncrasies, with the exception of the South, gives it more bruised balls than a gurney full of pre-op gender change patients– thanks to its majority religion (hypocrites** and weirdos!) and voting record (neo-con idiots!). Even the new state slogan “Life Elevated” rings with a pious imagery the state is trying to slough (they’re trying- alcoholic beverage content was just upped to universal levels). Depending on my mood, I can understand why it’s ripe for the punching.

That said, it was nice to have Utah fading back into the wood paneling since Romney’s train wreck campaign collapse. That was, of course, until some polygamous crew out in Texas gets raided. Daily reading about “Mormon” and “Utah” was getting tiresome with Romney- it’s even worse with these faux-Mormon kooks and their determination at robbing adolescent girls of life, happiness and the pursuit of virginity

But what bothers me is as easy to mock as Utah can be– these fools aren’t Utah. Utah’s got it’s failings, but as an overwhelming whole, love of polygamy isn’t one of them.

Since moving to Utah to get all undergraduated 10 years ago, my justification for living here has morphed from a perpetual “I’m just passing through” defense into a realization that Utah’s provided a pretty decent place to live, piss poor movie theaters in my area aside. That and I met my lady-friend here, who happens to be native and as it turns out is pretty cool.

So hey, while I’m all for using Utah and its proverbial low hanging fruit (i.e.- testacies) as a speedbag, that doesn’t mean I like to hear it from any other jackass who just wants to verbally knuckle-sock Utah in the areola because it’s an easy shot or prove they read a Krakauer book.

* And I’ll confirm my Mormon ways by the fact I now feel horribly guilty for verbally assaulting you with a “Fuck You” for laughs.

** Not expecting to find religious hypocrites is like expecting fantastic boobs to go fully clothed in a teen sex comedy.