I have a letter column. I’ll answer any questions you ask me. Sometimes without being a sarcastic dick. This is a direct pipeline to whatever it is that I am, so please take advantage of it before I am no more. Use THIS LINK to send a letter, or just post it on our message board HERE.

And now, your letters…

Mezz 755 Asks: You said that Princess Kate might not be around much longer. Is this a promise?

Nick’s Reply: It’s not a promise, but the moderators all are of a similar mind on the subject. In history since CHUD’s beginning I have gotten more emails about Princess Kate on the MB than anyone but Devin. Devin was aggressive on the boards but he brought a lot to the table. Kate, I defended because I think she’s harmless. But lately, my defenses have weakened considerably. Time will tell.

Stelios Asks: Remaking Train Arriving At La Ciotat Station. Is it going to happen before or after 2015? Is it going to be in 3D? Is it going to be the start of a trilogy?

Nick’s Reply: I think Michael Bay’s vision for it is impeccable. Sixteen simultaneous explosions. While I have you I must go on record about how great of a presence you are on the boards. Level-headed. Always commenting on article threads. Just a generally nice dude. When Steve worked with us he and I would often toast to “Stelios!”. Thanks for being you.

Princess Kate Asks: Do you have any clue if Shia still reads CHUD? I always thought that was neat.

Nick’s Reply: I seriously doubt it. He probably logs onto the internet and it takes him to his home page, which is his stock portfolio. He watches numbers fly by, smiles to himself, and then logs off and blowtorches a yacht because he can.

ploid Asks:

1. Hey when is the new Video Chudshow coming back?

Nick’s Reply: Monday at the latest.

2. Was that look of shock on your face genuine when you found out that the Home Alone kid was dating Mila Kunis? Did you have that same look of shock when you heard they broke up?

Nick’s Reply: I think I caused the breakup. She thought “If the Nunz doesn’t approve, why am I bothering?”.

3. If someone gave you a gift of Trucknuts would you display them proudly on your vehicle?

Nick’s Reply: Never.

4. If I came to Atlanta would you get a drink with me?

Nick’s Reply: I would be offended if you didn’t. That goes for most of you travelers.

5. If you won a billion dollars what would you do with it?

Nick’s Reply: I have big dreams. I have really big dreams. I play the lottery because of such. First to obviously get out of debt, which I am in rather nicely. Secondly to make my family the happiest. Thirdly, because I want to have a horror anthology that streams for free on the net and a billion ideas. Fourthly, because I haven’t truly sat still and relaxed for any extended period of time since I was like twenty years old. I am due.

Hunter Tarantino Asks:

1. Of the three movies featured on the B-Movie Column, which is your favorite?

Nick’s Reply: Black Rain.

2. What is your opinion of Quiet Cool? Are we poorer for having less James Remar starring vehicles?

Nick’s Reply: I appreciate it. I know better than to like it because it’s dirty balls. And I love Remar but that love does not translate to him being a lead. He’s a character actor and a great one.

3. Do Sylvester Stallone’s character names get as ridiculous as Deke DaSilva and Marion Cobretti?

Nick’s Reply: Joe Tanto? Kit Latura? Lincoln Hawk? It’s embarrassment of riches. SPOILER: The next CHUD Salutes poster is of a Stallone flick.

4. Do you enjoy Lock Up, or do we see eye to eye that the movie is a colossal mound of dogshit?

Nick’s Reply: I like it a lot. I have no illusions that it’s good but I love it. The word “Drumgoole” is used around my house more than I care to admit.

5. What is your opinion on the recently announced Lethal Weapon reboot? I recasted the film last year with Jeremy Renner and Don Cheadle as Riggs and Murtaugh, with Michael C. Hall as Mr. Joshua. Do you agree that that would make a decent film?

Nick’s Reply: No I do not like the casting. Nor do I like the idea of a remake. We need new cop franchises.

6. Speaking of which, would you see a buddy cop movie in the vein of Running Scared or Freebie and the Bean with Seth Rogen and Jeremy Renner, and John Lithgow as the bad guy?

Nick’s Reply: Nah. Plus, I must admit that I am Lithgowed out for a while after The Trinity Killer.

7. With The Dark Tower gearing up, would you see a big-budget, multi-film version of The Stand?

Nick’s Reply: I very much would. I very much would like to direct them. As a young man with a bright future that was my Holy Grail.

8. Favorite Renny Harlin film?

Nick’s Reply: Long Kiss/DH2.

9. Did you ever own laserdisc?

Nick’s Reply: I did and loved every minute of it. All six minutes.

10. What does David Cronenberg see in Robert Pattinson?

Nick’s Reply: $.

11. Is there any way we can get rid of these shows on MTV about teenage parents?

Nick’s Reply: Why not just get rid of MTV? It hasn’t been anything less than a nightmare since 1994.

12. What movie that you loved as a kid has aged the worst?

Nick’s Reply: The Sword and the Sorceror.

Barry Woodward Asks:

1. What’s your take on Lawrence Kasdan’s “The Big Chill”?

Nick’s Reply: Love it to death. Not sure why some of the dames got so much play, but still love it to death.

2. How would you feel if Pixar decided to make their own adaptation of “Watership Down”?

Nick’s Reply: I’d be afraid they would brighten it when the only way to make it right is to go darker.

3. Would you be game for an “Ocean’s Fourteen” film from Steven Soderbergh before he retires to focus on painting?

Nick’s Reply: Absolutely. I wish we could have one every three years until they’re all dead.

4. If you found yourself in the situation of Tom Cruise’s character from “Risky Business” when you were in high school, how would you have dealt with it?

Nick’s Reply: They’d still be finding semen in strange places.

5. Which Wes Anderson film did you enjoy more: “The Darjeeling Limited” or “The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou”?

Nick’s Reply: ENJOY? Zissou. Which do I think is a better movie? Darjeeling.

6. What are your top five favorite boxing films?

Nick’s Reply: Rocky. Raging Bull. The Set-Up. Million Dollar Baby. Does On the Waterfront count? If so that. If it doesn’t… Diggstown.

7. Did you feel inspired after watching “Pump Up The Volume” for the first time?

Nick’s Reply: Nope. Kind of like the movie almost though.

8. If you could resurrect one actor that died prematurely, who would you choose?

Nick’s Reply: Either Heath Ledger, Brandon Lee, or John Cazale.

9. Do you or does anyone from the CHUD staff have plans to check out Kevin Smith’s “Red State” roadshow?

Nick’s Reply: I do.

10. Which actor would you pick to play Ben in a live action film version of the Lucasarts video game “Full Throttle”?

Nick’s Reply: Dumb stuntcasting would be Patrick Warburton, but he couldn’t carry a film if it had a clearly marked handle. Kurt Russell would have been perfect fifteen years ago. Brian Van Fucking Holt! Yes he can’t carry a film but I don’t care!

11. Would you be interested in a thriller film based on the website Wikileaks?

Nick’s Reply: I didn’t think I’d love a movie about Facebook. The devil’s in the details.

12. Did “Boys Don’t Cry” make you cry?

Nick’s Reply: Nah.

13. Do you think Cary Grant would have made a decent James Bond?

Nick’s Reply: Sure would have. He’d have gotten none of the Queen’s work done, because he’d be covered in ass.

14. If you were in a “Groundhog Day” type situation, what are some things you would do that you wouldn’t ever consider doing under any other circumstances?

Nick’s Reply: Treat people how I really wish I could. I’d basically be Larry David.

15. What’s your favorite Noah Baumbach film?

Nick’s Reply: Fantastic Mr. Fox. That is one of my top 20 movies ever.

16. What did you think of the ending of Jack Cardiff’s “Dark Of The Sun” a.k.a. “The Mercenaries”?

Nick’s Reply: I think I’ve seen it but remember jack shit about it.

17. Do you plan to check out Shawn Ryan’s new show “The Chicago Code”?

Nick’s Reply: Yeah, though I wish it was on FX.

18. What’s your take on the naked body scanners and genital pat-downs at airports?

Nick’s Reply: I don’t care, just so long as I’m safe as I fly around the sky.

19. Would you watch a film set in medieval times called “Boogie Knights” in which warring factions settle their differences with dance-offs?

Nick’s Reply: I would not. And don’t encourage Andy Cosby to write it up for day #187 of 365 Days of Sci-Fi.

20. Do you really believe “Hit Somebody” will be Kevin Smith’s final film?

Nick’s Reply: Nope.

Anderson Asks:

1) So, umm…Katie Holmes is quickly turning into box office poison. How’s that going to mess with your flick?

Nick’s Reply: Not at all. The star of our movie are Homunculii. Speaking of… we have a release date and a final MPAA rating. More on that soon.

2) While the revamp went over better than expected, how can someone post a 20 minute user manual video without a sense of irony?

Nick’s Reply: It was about customer service. The new site (the boards especially) is intimidating and folks have no idea just how versatile. That was Renn’s intent and he did a great job with it. I’m a bit sore about how folks couldn’t adapt to change so well.

3) Did Skeleton IV die?

Nick’s Reply: I guess. The gentleman who did the columns no longer writes for us.

4) I love “Belloq”, I’d like to listen to more of your output. Name some similar tunes.

Nick’s Reply: Belloq is a joke song. We don’t do quite as many of them as we used to. I am planning to put .zip files of all our albums on the server for folks to download and listen to and keep for free once I get some spare time. A few recent goofy tunes: Love with Splinters, Barlow’s New Shoes, Pissed Off Trees, Do it Like a Human (whose outtakes are in the new video podcast), Sleeper Cell Santa Claus, Christmas is Fucked, Santa’s Getting Laid, (AIDS/Mississippi Bog Man/Robot Girl), and Piss Drunk are a good start.

5) Will Ferrell is joining the Office at the end of this season. Can we officially bury the BBC Office now and declare the American version far superior?

Nick’s Reply: I can’t do it. It’s more fun and accessible. And it’s lasted way longer than I’d ever had expected. But there’s something to be said for grace and ferocity.

6) If you had to perform last rites on a dying child, would you do it if you couldn’t stop farting? By that, I mean the kid’s on death’s door. But, you can’t stop farting? What do you do?

Nick’s Reply: Send him to Heaven in a stinking haze.

7) Has Renn showed you the rape mask he made? If not, ask him to show you and include the jpeg for the world to see.

Nick’s Reply: You mean his face?

8 ) Will GUY.com feature more video content? By more video content, I’m talking NSFW clips.

Nick’s Reply: More video, yes? Sexy shit? Unlikely.

9) Who’s worse? People that talk too much about food on an entertainment site or people that talk too much about politics?

Nick’s Reply: People that are dumb talking about anything. Or people talking just to be talking.

10) There will be no cheerleaders at the Super Bowl this year. What are your thoughts on that?

Nick’s Reply: It’s a start. Now they need to focus on removing the players, coaches, referees, crowd, teams, and blow the stadiums up and replace them with baseball parks.

11)  Is Barry Woodward a real person?

Nick’s Reply: Yep, because cyborgs are bullshit.

12)  Humanity? Overrated or poised to make the next evolutionary jump?

Nick’s Reply: Overrated. Overvalued. Overfed.

13) Speaking of the Oscars, how pissed were you about Burlesque getting snubbed?

Nick’s Reply: Just a little trickle.

14) If the Silver Surfer and Buddha got into a fight, would Jesus be the referee?

Nick’s Reply: Galactus would eat Jesus.

15) Why is Shelley Duvall so homely?

Nick’s Reply: Because science and nature has a hard on for good times. Refracted light pukes when it sees her.

16) Would you rather have Tourette’s or Anal Leakage?

Nick’s Reply: Why not both?

Felix Asks: What are your odds on the Van Damme vs Khamsing fight this March? Think JC will get knocked out in the first round?

Nick’s Reply: It’s hard to place odds on something which is most likely determined. I just hope the dude doesn’t get seriously hurt. Like he did on TV’s Las Vegas.

Rene (Mr. Eko) Aks:

1.What’s your favorite tv show that has gone unreleased on dvd?

Nick’s Reply: I don’t really have one. Most of the TV I discover is on DVD and I have no love for shit from the 80’s.

2.What’s your favorite tv show that’s been released to dvd?

Nick’s Reply: It’s tough. Probably The Sopranos or The Wire, but The West Wing is great. The Shield is great. Breaking Bad. It goes on and on. This is the best decade for TV in history.

3.Now that Verizon has the iPhone, will you switch?

Nick’s Reply: No. I still have a bad taste from my last Verizon experience.

4.If Sly Stallone decided to do Rambo V, would you want to see it?

Nick’s Reply: Of course! Especially if he found a new country to absolutely annihilate.

5.Who’s your favorite character actor?

Nick’s Reply: Hundreds. I can’t pick on. i love me some Billy Fichtner right now, that’s for sure.

6.How long did it take you to beat the last zombie in Plants Vs. Zombies?

Nick’s Reply: A while. That was nuts. But it was the annoying cloudy night boards that really tested my will.

7.I saw that you recently purchased the Blu-ray of Once Upon A Time In America, what are your thoughts on the movie?

Nick’s Reply: Unabashed love.

8.What’s the one dvd that has gone out of print that you saw and didn’t get, but later wish you had?

Nick’s Reply: I didn’t really get burned by that, honestly.

9. Do you own any of the Big Trouble In Little China action figures?

Nick’s Reply: No.

10. Do you own any of The Thing action figures?

Nick’s Reply: Oh hell yes.

11. What is your favorite restaurant, and why?

Nick’s Reply: Sugo and its sister restaurant The Iberian Pig. Amazing food, amazing everything. And the Castelucci family is absolutely the classiest act around. If I was forced to eat at only one place for the rest of my life it’d be there and with them to hang with. Seriously, if you come to my town we need to go.