.The Set Up…

Yep, it’s another of these sons of bitches. Actually, I’ve popped in a decent amount of letter columns on one-shot Leaks, so it’s not like I’ve been THAT scarce.

I hope you missed it and I hope this one has you chomping at the bit for more. Remember that I’m always hunting for letters and Speed Round entries, so stay frosty.

Anyways, I had some piss and vinegar and a little light went off saying "wait, that’s what this column is for!". Funnily enough, as I put the finishing touches on it a few new things pissed me off so don’t be surprised if another arrives next week.

OK, now I have a request. I have a stack of CHUD shirts and a stack of RON shirts in my office that need to be sent out. One, because they take up a lot of space. Two, because I’m rapidly approaching the state of tapped out. If you ever considered grabbing one, now is the time. Paypal or checks are brilliant. We’re just about out of the moss CHUD shirts, though. Here’s the link and here’s the other link.

Otherwise, thanks for reading and on with the Leak.

The "Outer".

.Florida is obviously the cradle of film criticism, at least if you believe the Junior Soprano stunt double pictured on the right. Glen Lovell of The Panhandle State’s Herald Tribune recently "outed" today’s release High Tension as a blatant rip-off of Dean R. Koontz’ Intensity novel, which I believe became a John C. McGinley vehicle for television back in the day. That’s all fine and good. I’ll be seeing the film tonight after a little crawfish and alligator supper at Pappadeaux… but I take umbrage at the way he goes about his work rather than his accusation.

Plus, how many really original ideas are there? It’s how you make your own spin that matters, isn’t it. Here’s the paragraph that really got my goat (for more on goats, scroll down to the news attack):

"Unlike, say, "Alien" — which I outed as a rip-off of "It! The Terror from
Beyond Space" in another Florida paper after attending the New York junket in
1979 — this is not just another case of a lazy screenwriter borrowing an
all-purpose premise. Rather, it’s a scene-for-scene, slash-for-slash steal. What
we in journalism like to call "blatant plagiarism.
"

What are you, kidding? You "outed" Alien, arguably the best science fiction/horror hybrid since John Merrick’s ultrasound? I don’t think that the concept of an alien force threatening a group of captive humans is a rare and exclusive one. Not is the concept of a murderer standing trial, two cops teaming up, and a group of misfits joining forces against an unstoppable evil.

This guy is bragging about calling out Alien for being a total sham. Next he’ll prove how Citizen Kane totally ripped on Willie Heart’s own private Idaho. News flash, the hot climate is cooking your hair brain.

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Lindsay Lowbrow.

I don’t care that the ample curvature of Lindsay Lohan won’t be making a cameo in the next Love Bug movie. I don’t often go to kid’s flicks for arousal. Sorry Dave.

I do mind that in a recent interview in the waste of trees that is Movieline’s Hollywood Life, the actress uncorks such pearls of wisdom like "I want to go to Egypt and Japan and open orphanages in different countries. I want to have a chain of them." with a straight face.

Wait. Hold the comlink. Let’s back up a second.

A… chain. Of orphanages.

Interesting idea. Let me piece it together. A drive-thru, for the really busy parents who hate their kids. Some kind of ATM/bank tube combo that allows adoptive parents the opportunity to pay and have the kid jettison to their car in a matter of minutes. Maybe a little MIDI file of a tune from Annie or Oliver! to seal the transaction? What would this surefire franchise be called? Linday’s Drop and Hate? Unwanteds-R-Us? Children of the Cornucopia? Childrentals? Who’d design the corporate logo, the people who did the Starbucks mermaid or H.R. Giger? I’m sure the people of Egypt and Japan are thrilled to know that the star of Freaky Friday has a solution for their troubles.

On top of that, she has the gall to suggest that Ann-Margret and Madonna are triple threats because they can sing and dance and act. Chew on that for a few minutes. I’ll wait.

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The Fact This Exists is Hilarious.


Where were all the meat shop toys when I was a wee tot? It even comes with carnivore two-pack and Mark Slaughterer. I think it interlocks with the Vegan Incense Shop playset too!

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Birmingham? Memphis? Wake up!

.Atlanta, Charlotte, and Nashville are very good when it comes to getting envelopes and movie pass requests to CHUD HQ. I get a lot of requests to do more cities, so imagine my surprise when I do a screening for The Island (details here) and have cities like Birmingham, Mobile, and Greenville included and the response is as pekid as Chevy Chase in hospital garb. Same goes for the Memphis screenings we set up.

Now, you guys can’t come at me with Leak Letters saying that I need to do more screenings and then not come to the table when your turn comes up. Now, I normally could give a damn about Alabama, after all it’s the only state on the map that has a little ball sack hanging out, but we have two cities represented and the turnout is Jerry Hall.

If this goes well, who knows what towns we’ll infiltrate next?

Spread the word people. You satellite cities have had your wake-up call. Fall in!

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Friends Don’t Let Friends Gay Bash.

.Was there a hidden Republican memo sent out that says it’s totally cool to hate gays these days after what I consider a modicum of progress towards semi-equality (but not really) during the 90’s? Maybe I’m just noticing it more because I’m paying a lot more close attention to shit I never did before. For example, I did a spot on a radio show in town here called The Regular Guys. Great show, great guys, it’s better now than it was when they were driven by raunch and the redneck bloodlust of their audience. But they are all about making gay jokes. Not a big deal, they are equal opportunity offenders. If I were black I’d either laugh my ass off or lurk outside the station with a fist cocked. Or a cock fisted. Think about it…

I guess we as a society kind of deserve it. I mean… Will and Grace. It’s sort of how I assumed all Southerners were like what I’d seen on The Dukes of Hazzard. Or my pre-judgment of all pinball machines after The Accused.

I think it’s almost as if the gay population somehow didn’t get the same bonus stage most other groups got to play when things started shifting towards political correctness squared. When shows like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy appear and totally eclipse Night Gallery in fearbringing, something’s wrong. Also, consider how the watercooler discussion focuses on the sexual preference of the contestents as much as their talent or lack thereof. Or the fact that they watched that godforsaken show in the first place.

Why the heck is the bullheadedness still so prominent? How is it allowable in this repressed age? I live in one of the more aggressively gay cities, so you can’t blame it on the fact I live in the South.

Please explain to me why it’s so acceptable to still be out of the closet with your gaytred?

Oh, and I must admit. I do have a HALO character called Street Fag and I must admit I crack jokes with the best of them, but jeez…

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Heaven Help WHAT?

I cannot believe the long and hateful existence of Heaven Help Us and its quest to come out on DVD. It’s such a small film, such a fun little 80’s flick and one you think would have been shat out into a bargain bin about five years ago.

But no…

I have seen this film cocktease me with a DVD release several times only to disappear back into the ether to taunt me again. And again.

Such a harmless little film, but with a dangerous bite like one of those colorful and deathly poisonous frogs in the rainforest.

Last Tuesday was the latest. It was to arrive. Then, all record of it disappeared from human recorded history. A few days later it’s scheduled to come out later in the summer, but I’m reaching the event horizon on this issue. Remember how Back to the Future fans got molested for ages without that sweet, merciful release?

That’s the sting of blue balls I have for a mostly forgettable but charming little Andrew McArthy/Kevin Dillon opus featuring the future gay porn icon Stephen Geoffreys.

I ask for so little. I get even less..

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If CHUD.com Ran the Movies


Bastardization by Nick Nunziata. All apologies to the makers of Cinderella Man.


News Attack #19

Give
me a hand. What’s more depressing, seeing everyone you love eaten by
insects or watching the nightly news? For me it depends on if the
insects are arboreal. To save you the heartache, I browsed the US news
section of CNN. Here’s a quick rundown…

1.
The Headline:
Mountain Lion Killed After Dining On Pet Goats

Nick’s Take: Do you think the mountain lion would have held back if he knew they were pet goats? You know, instead of eating the goats a farmer owns so he can slaughter it in a messy, retro fashion like a machete across the neck. Poor mountain lion. He was doing his job. It just happened to involve the tasting of the official animal of Pagan. Also, I take umbrage at the headline. Did it DINE on them or hunt and eat them? Dining sounds civilized, as if the lion popped a napkin on its many-nippled lap and enjoyed a little Goat au Poivre with a nice glass of Pinot Noir while listening to whatever music it is that mountain lions listen to on holiday. Of course, I don’t like when pets die, but I don’t agree with leaving pets in places where mountain lions hang out. That said, it is their turf we’re living on. I say that they should have let the lion live. It’s not nice to be shot by goat owners on a full stomach.

2.
The Headline:
Did a blood clot kill Jesus?

Nick’s Take: A scientist has come up a theory about how Jesus Christ died. A blot clot. I don’t have a medical degree, in fact I haven’t even watched General Hospital since 1987. Somehow I disagree. Still, I’m going to publish my findings soon. I think he died from being stoned, stabbed, nailed to a cross, and hung in the harsh elements while his loved ones looked on. Maybe he died from the precog notion that millions of people would die because of disagreements about him and his? I secretly hope this guy is right, though. Just so I can hear amended zealot pleas like "do you know that Jesus died of a blot clot for your sins?" and "drink this, this is the clot of Christ". There are hundreds of things sucking in the world and diseases that are kicking the ass of people who didn’t die 2000 years ago and this guy is auditioning for CSI: Jerusalem?


3.
The Headline:
Rabid Bat Left At Vet Clinic In Corrales

Nick’s Take: The article misses the whole point. The bat is the victim here. Imagine this, you’re reading the latest issue of Manbat and taking a guano, minding your business. It’s bad enough you caught the rabies from that slut in Cave #8. Next thing you know, you’re captured and imprisoned. No one reads you your rights or lets you shoot your radar around the room and then reporters are poking their cameras in your tiny, rodent-like face and asking all sorts of questions in some annoyingly unscreechy dialect. Who will speak for the bats? It ain’t Lou Diamond Phillips, that’s for sure.

4.
The Headline:
Bodies found strewn near Iraqi town

Nick’s Take: The word "strewn" is what makes this a news story. The neat stacking of bodies is not sensational, but if you just leave their legs akimbo it all becomes ferocious and inhumane. Kids, try this experiment. Fuck your room up. I mean, rip that place apart. Pop your Choose Your Own Adventure books all around the room and empty your drawers on the bed. Take a crisp dump right against the wall. See how mom reacts. Then, try the same thing but arrange the messes into very tidy but no less chaotic piles. She’ll react with puzzlement but she won’t pound your ass with the Spear of Destiny until Dad comes home. Note to Iraq, be tidy with your genocide, please.

5.
The Headline:
Gator Sighting Is Talk Of Carter Lake

Nick’s Take: They ain’t kidding. Carl the Trout can’t stop talking about it and Ernest the Snapping Turtle is beside himself at the arrival of Simon Thick, an extremely alive gator. Gabe and Reba Duckling are planning to take a vacation until the terror subsides and rumor has it that Crawfish Timmons has locked himself in a hole. One thing is for certain: Crater Lake is abuzz with debate.

6.
The Headline:
Body Stolen From Morgue, Dumped In Trash

Nick’s Take: That is so rude and the worse act of crime ever. I mean, the morgue is already a pretty damned sad place to be. For some, it means your best years are behind you. Insult meets injury when a body is deemed not good enough for the morgue but perfectly suited for the dumpster. That shit’s cold. The article goes on to say that the corpse was used in a scam and then dumped. I only hope the scam wasn’t the old "Afterlife Shuffle" card trick.

7.
The Headline:
Worker Critically Injured In Garage Explosion

Nick’s Take: I hate it when people’s busy day is interrupted by an explosion that happens all around them. That said, this gentleman may have somewhat tempted the fates when cutting into a steel drum filled with explosive chemicals with a blowtorch. Maybe. Imagine his surprise when his handheld flame CAUGHT FIRE!

Apparently, he suffered a really nasty series of burns to the majority of his body and he may not survive. The only upside: he has a legitimate excuse to not see The Fantastic Four.

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You Trust Me? Trust These!

Here’s
some flat-out recommendations for you. Stuff I’ve already seen, read,
heard, or clicked on and found to be utterly lovely. I’m going to try
not to choose obvious things like The Watchmen or Fight Club or Faith No More’s Angel Dust, ’cause you ought to know by now! Have at. If you like this, it’ll continue:

DVD: The Job. After seeing Denis Leary’s acclaimed fireman hit, I went ahead and grabbed the show that preceded it and liked it more. Fun, quick, and surprisingly funny for a regular TV show. Give it a spin for God’s sake.

Book: Controlled Burn – Scott Wolven. This is the kind of moody brilliance we don’t see often enough. Sort of like Benioff, but sort of like those older whisky soaked authors from the 60’s and 70’s. Really rich stuff, crime stuff set against a Northern backdrop. It’s all about character and quick hits of raw with a capital R.

Album: Naked City – John Zorn. Lewis and I listened to this nonstop during the 17 hour train ride from Atlanta to New York in 11th grade. I still love the scattershot chaos that is John Zorn’s fucked up style. Special credit goes to the calm moments that put you at ease before your ears are assaulted as if Dorammu himself were on your heels.

Website: Mail Order Comics. Dave uses it. Swears by it. Maybe you should too.

Video Game: Hot Shots Golf: Open Tee (PSP). I got rid of Tiger Woods PGA Tour for this. That’s saying something, and it’s sickeningly cute as only the Japanese can do.

Trade Paperback: Daredevil: The Man Without Fear. Frank Miller and John Romita, Jr. Would you hate me if I said I like this better than ANY of Miller’s older and more beloved Daredevil work? Then hate me, asshole.

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The Nick Edit #8

There
was enough interest in this idea that I decided to make it a regular
part of this column. My edits on existing films. I’ve already said a
few times that Denzel Washington should have been "wearing" one of his
own personal assbombs in the climax of Man on Fire,
so his death would have had an explosive punctuation mark for his
enemies and also have the audience leaving the theater in a state of
numbness (the good kind), but alas…

I also have mentioned that I turn off Michael Mann’s Heat
a short time before the ending because I feel that DeNiro’s character
is the hero of the piece. He’s the one who needs to win. He has the
most ahead of him. In my cut of the film the smart and resourceful
Vincent Hanna just misses getting his man, leaving us to wonder if some
time down the line the two may again cross paths.

So now, I will attempt to come up with proposed edits of films that I think would make a world of difference.

Magnolia (The Nick Cut)
– Farewell Julianne Moore subplot!

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Today’s Photo(s) from Life.


Holy Backwoods Stereotypes Batman!

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The Speed Round, #10

Here’s how it works. Ask me ANYTHING. Do it either through THIS EMAIL LINK or on THIS MESSAGE BOARD THREAD. That’s the complex nature of this section.

Q: I’ve recently finished a couple of short flicks, so do you know some of the best
festivals in the US to enter short films in?

A: Honestly, I don’t. You’d be advised to send them to Dave for his annual Underground column, because he tends to be a good gauge. I just sent this cool French vamp flick from a reader named Thierry to Dave (finally found it in my office), and I think the coverage will help. Plus, these short films can lead to great things.

Q: Favorite movie this year?

A: I’d already seen Oldboy, but I’ve dug Constantine, Hostage, Sin City, Kung Fu Hustle, Kingdom of Heaven, Cinderella Man, and a few others. I’m going to say that I dug Kung Fu Hustle the most so far.

Q: What was the last TV show boxset that got your jones all jonesing?

A: I was really surprised at The Job (mentioned above). After doing the review of Rescue Me, I wanted to see more of those people and found the cop show to be surprisingly fun stuff.

Q: Thoughts on Gary Busey?

A: Always.

Q: Do you have any scars?

A: Yep, but none as good as Emilio Estevez’s in Young Guns 2. "I got scars…". Nothing Harrison Ford-esque, though.

Q: Who is your favoritwe professional athlete?

A: Retired, Paul O’Neill. Currently, either John Smoltz or Ryan Klesko.

Q: Are the JAWS 5 rumors being spread by Don Murphy to sink MEG?

A: I have no idea. From what I understand, it’s hot air. Plus, they’ll never top Jaws 4.

Q: Which superhero/supergroup has the best rogue’s gallery in comics?

A: Savage Dragon.

Q: [broken record]Mythopolis update?[/broken record]

A: We have a 5 page demo comic done and it’s a lot of fun. I’ve written half of the first 12 issue storyline and it’s coming along really well. All the character designs are done and the style of the book has been toyed with and experimented on and is finally a lock. We have a publisher lined up and we are ready to hit the green light once a little dough is put aside to cover Lewis’ time. I expect us to start in the next two months or so. Additionally, we have a very special person and a great writer putting together the early touches on a children’s book of Mythopolis so there’s that as well. Here’s a peak from the 5-pager of Hieronymous, our owl/bat/scorpion sidekick character.


Q: Can you explain the baffling love for NAPOLEON DYNAMITE?

A: It got lucky and became a water cooler favorite, and it made the general public feel like they’d discovered indie cinema, even though the film they chose is kind of "Indie for Dummies" in my book.

Q: Favorite track on the new Coldplay (heh, heh, heh)?

A: Is there a track that erases the disc? I do like Elbow, though… and I hear they’re a Coldplay clone. Weird.

Q: Worst twist ending you’ve seen?

A: Shit, half of the horror movies I see. I hatede the whole movie, but the last part of Dr. T and the Woman was low.

Q: What are you leaning toward – PS3 or Xbox 360?

A: Both. Of course.

Q: 3 musical acts you need to see before you die?

A: None, really. I overdosed on concerts when I was younger and now, like sporting events, they’re often too much effort for too little reward. I’m a puss in that I like studio stuff better than live.

Q: Favorite barbeque restaurant?

A: County Seat, Austin. In Atlanta, I’ll go with Swallow at the Hollow.

Q: BATMAN BEGINS score – better than Elfman/Walker’s, or is it CRIMSON TIDE, PART II?

A: It’s not good. I don’t remember Crimson Tide‘s score, though. I remember Danny Nucci being involved, though. I hate that I remember that.

Today’s Chewer Obituary.

Johnstown, Pennsylvania - John Carroll, the first man to officially frolic across America, died today when he woke up without a heart. The ailment, a rare one, is known to begin with a look of surprise and then follow up and end with a series of convulsions and a rapid writhing which culminates in the celebrity’s skin up and quitting its job. Very similar to the ailment Adobeism, where the victim’s body becomes tragically Photoshopped to death, the disease strikes without warning or compassion. Carroll, also the Olympic Silver Medalist in the 20 Meter Apology and a finalist in the Stetson Hat Shitting tournament, was in Johnstown signing copies of his book I Never Promised You a Rose McGowan when tragedy struck his empty chest cavity. He is survived, apparently, by his heart. It could not be reached for comment.

Read the Obituary discussion here.

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Today’s CHUD Fact

Somewhere out there, someone owns a copy of Dana Plato’s Dying Breath on VHS.

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The Movies I Watched While Writing This.

NONE, which is why it took a day and not three.

A few shout-outs:

Lenny, you need to take your meds.
Daniel, you’ve entered 2.0 but you’re still scarce as you are thin.
Jim, was good to see you the other day. Perhaps you can find it in your heart to show your shiny face ’round these parts?
Robert, congrats on the baby.

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And that is the end of Steady Leak #109.

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