STUDIO: Lions Gate
MSRP: $19.99
Music video

The Pitch

“It’s an urban zombie movie… without zombies!”

The Humans

Jenicia Garcia, Jakeem Sellers, Randy Clark, and several other friends of the filmmaker

The Nutshell

Josephine (Garcia), a kinda-cute chica working for a demolition company, is perceived as a bit odd by her co-workers, but they all get killed anyway by some raging psychopaths wielding fake sickles and rubber meat cleavers. So she goes home to her husband to discuss her bad day, but the killers follow and kidnap him, and lock her in a warehouse where the dismantling of victims occurs. She escapes into the surrounding forest, only to be relentlessly pursued by the group of bloodthirsty (and mostly African-American) lunatics who are following the commands of the mysterious The Dr., who wants to sell human flesh or take back the streets or something.

Pras and ‘Clef eventually fell on pretty hard times without Ms. Hill.

The Package

I’m an enthusiast of zombie movies, which this is most definitely not, in either the walking dead or the voodoo sense, despite the title’s implication of "undead with cred". In fact, I’m not sure how they arrived at the title and cover art, which is apparently designed just to mislead potential buyers into thinking they’re picking up an urban-themed zombie flick. Consider yourself warned. The presentation is in fullscreen and is at the very least in focus, and you’ll get to listen to the amateur actors and same incessantly repeated hip-hop beat in Dolby 5.1 audio. There’s also a music video and some trailers for movies that couldn’t possibly be worse than this one.

The Lowdown

If someone really wants to tell an interesting story, quite often I can forgive budgetary shortcomings. If someone just has a camera, a spare weekend and some animal intestines they found outside the neighborhood butcher shop, I’d rather not have my time squandered by the result. But that’s precisely what they’ve done with Zombiez, the majority of which simply consists of the single camera following the lead actress as she runs from bloodied goons or walks through hallways, over rocks, through the woods, down the street, etc. Combined with the terrible, terrible acting and a complete lack of script (one guy, credited as "squater", just repeats variations of "Get the hell outta here!" over and over), gratuitous nudity or quality gore (people have small amounts of squished sausages spilling from their shirts), you’re left with nothing but a 90-minute cavity in your life. The movie even has the audacity to insert definitions for words like FEAR and REVENGE (not to mention a brief mention of zombies!!!) as if there’s some higher meaning buried in this compost heap.

I admire Lions Gate for being the home for low-budget genre fare, but they should be ashamed for letting inexcusable rubbish like this loose on an unsuspecting public.

0.2 out of 10

The end!