Welcome to the latest mind-blistering
missive from my spent casing of a noggin, filled to the rim with
shinola and burgeoning with backwash and partially chewed Red Vines.


I’ve
decided that the ‘Slap’ is going to be about life. Personal shit.
Professional shit. Random shit. That way, the Steady Leaks I run on the
main site and the ranty blogs I run here have their
own life. I want this to be a place of whatever. It may bore you. It
may be of value. It may turn you into a Eunuch, except not as hung.


I Don’t Deserve a Nationality.



I have nothing against Russians. Well, maybe a couple, but still…

So why was I nearly offended in an odd way when a young lady asked me if I was Russian? I don’t harbor ill will towards them and think that the Cold War led to some bitchin’ novels and films. I’ve been mistaken for Greek, Spanish, and on the phone, for Japanese. All of those nationalities are overrated, so why did I take pause when I was mistaken for a Russian?

Was it the vodka I was drinking? The way I was lifting up trucks and throwing giant logs all over the place? The fact my Spinning Piledriver was so effective against Blanka or the fact I tend to leave town with Tim Curry and Sam Neill in tow?

Russian. Pshaw…

I don’t deserve a nationality. As a person born in the states, having been educated in the states, and taken 99.5% of my shits in the states, I’ve done little to earn the Italian and tiny bit of Polish that serve as my own personal midichlorians. I can’t speak a lick of any other language. I’d be hard pressed to name more than one or two cities in the countries I should know more about, and I don’t feel all that compelled to learn. Way I see it, I still have a long way to go before figuring out English and American so why be mediocre in a variety of languages.

The Italian heritage comes in handy when I’m angry because there’s the “Italian temper” scapegoat. Sometimes women are intrigued because some Italians have huge cocks. Reality is a dish best served flaccid. The Polish heritage comes in handy if I accidentally trip and kill a busload of kids, because Polish people are DUMB.

Otherwise, I’m just a boring skinbag just like the rest of America and I’m finding it harder and harder to feel compelled to give a damn about that sad fact about us.

And now… another Mary Worth War Strip from the vault…

Click the image to Large It Up!

All apologizes to the creators of the strip. This intended as parody only and not an attempt to be the best thing ever.