No, he didn’t show me his ass from the back window of a limo on the 110*, I’m talking about waking up and hearing my wife say, “Hey, they released the first trailer for Transformers 3 this morning”. Of course I responded with a cynical ‘hmmrp’ and made my groggy way downstairs in order to fire up the coffee macheen and chase my not-inconsiderable hangover away with some caffeine**.

A short time later…

With a dark, almost viscous liquid flowing through my veins and my senses returning to me, something came over me. Something I’ve not felt since 2006 when I saw the very first trailer for the very first live-action Transformers movie.


I don’t know why, but I sat down at the computer, performed a Google search and a moment later settled into the ~two minute trailer for transformers 3. And god help me, it looks… interesting.

Now I know that the editing process for movie trailers can make a huge impact on how a film is perceived in the time preceding its release. In some corners this is called ‘polishing the turd’. And I have almost no doubt that this movie will be ‘a turd’. The disappointment I suffered at the hands of the original transformers movie was enormous.

About as enormous as a particular planet-eating robot (who may or may not have been in said trailer). I do not think there was a single redeeming quality about that first movie, other than the moment it ended and I was able to stand up, hurl my empty box of jujubees*** at the screen and holler ‘Fuck You Transformers!’

And the fuck you checklist reads as follows:

1) Fuck you for having a human lead character
2) Fuck you for having Optimus Prime speak such a banal colloquialism as ‘My bad’
3) Fuck you for soiling John Turturro (I know he took the part, but seriously? Use him better!)
3) Fuck you for having Transformers that do not resemble Transformers but rather basically look like wild blurs of moving CG parts. Parts that bare almost no resemblance to the actual characters I grew up with (for the most part – Optimus is, admittedly, not too shabby).

Not too mention the movie just plain sucked for anyone who likes, say PLOT. So bad did it suck that I refused to even acknowledge the sequel, and of course I was validated when everyone I know that saw it told me what an uncompromising lump of shit it was.

But now… alt history?

Admittedly this is an easy lure for me. I’ve read a lot about the kind of dirty, cover-up psi-ops stuff our government (among others) were up to in the 60’s. And this line of thinking leads to exposition and pontification on just where exactly activities such as Project MK:Ultra and its ilk ultimately may have led us to in the present. Not knowing the full picture of the world we live in is frustrating but also thrilling, and a lot of really great storytellers tap into that and simply marvel with their theories and ability to make us think (Robert Anton Wilson? Grant Morrison?). And surprising it looks as though Mr. Bay’s people have tapped into that here.


That remains to be seen. With the release date a little over seven months away there’s plenty of time for other information to arise that will no doubt clue skeptics such as myself in as to whether this trailer is the studio’s own brand of cover-up. Of course though the good thing about the particular brand of explosion-strewn, CGI-littered shit that the transformers movies have belonged to thus far is that they can cover them up all they want with well-placed stock footage and tantalizing inference, you can still smell the rancid odor of garbage a mile away.

Long live the original Transformers Movie from the 80’s – now that was the shit!****


* At least I don’t think that guy was MB, but I guess it could have been.
Anyone know if he has an Autobot logo tattooed on one cheek?

** Rock Bottom Brewery may be a chain, but I’ll be damned if they don’t have some really good beers. That’s another post though…

*** mel gibson’s most hated snack by the way.

**** Except of course for that ‘You’ve got the touch’ crap. Ugh! Someone please remaster it and install a new soundtrack? By Underworld perhaps? Now that would be something…