In the late seventies, and something that feels like it’s outta the eighties (only with less of a budget), was a small little film called LASERBLAST. I suppose I could say that we don’t make crazy movies like this anymore, or if we do they’re just throwbacks, but this movie is crazy and I don’t know if I could stand it being remade. By which I mean, it’s freakin’ awesome.
In it, a young man or teenager, I don’t know how old he’s supposed to be, finds a giant laser cannon. This could be the start of anything really, or Guyver, but it lets him blow the hell out of things if he’s wearing the control medallion. Yes, this is how advanced alien technology works. It’s something like a rifle, but you need to be wearing disco jewelry to work the thing.
Now, if you’re a put upon teenager in the late seventies, and stuck in some podunk town, you may think that finding advanced alien weaponry would be the answer the your problems. And you would be right.
Seriously, Billy, the main character of the movie, is a complete loser except for one thing. Let’s examine why he sucks so much.
Neither of these guys is Billy. You might think he’s some geek or some guy in his thirties trying to pass for a teenager, but no. This is Billy’s Life. So, these are actually the guys that bully him. Yes, seriously, the guy in the pink shirt and nerd glasses bullies him and the pair try to rape his girlfriend (I’ll admit it’s a really weird and kinda disturbing scene).
Yes, that Nerdboy McNerdison bullies our “hero.”
Also, his mother leaves him home alone in order to go to Acapulco. It’s during the summer I think, so yeah, she straight out abandons him. So yeah, loser. So bad that his own mother ditches him to go to Mexico.
The one good thing in his life though is that this is his girlfriend:
The one on the right, I know it can be hard to tell given his hair. Apparently it’s the only thing that can put a smile on his face too.
That’s not mention the cops that hassle him or the fact that’s he’s driving a van that looks like it’s used to smuggle immigrants across the border.
But, back to aliens that make weird guns. Now, this piece of tech isn’t like having a lightsaber or Han Solo’s blaster. In other words, completely awesome. No, it’s still awesome, but there’s a little side effect.
Billy, the loser, goes from this:
I have a raygun and will have my revenge while wearing this bitchin’ necklace.
No! Why must the greatest monster of all always have to be Man!
Yes, in a twist worthy of M. Night, the gun mutates the dude into a monster. Whereby he goes crazy and blows up even more stuff with the laser cannon. I’ll be completely honest, I’m not sure that this gun isn’t supposed to do this in some sort of berserker soldier sort of way.
It’s not actually clear since the only other user of the weapons looks the same. Or maybe it just does this when it’s used by humans. Or, midichlorians. This is why some things or better left unexplained.
Anyway, he blows stuff up, cars and bullies and pinball machines, and his girlfriend gets caught up in stuff while the alien FBI guy tries to find him. FBI guy that hunts aliens, not an alien that’s an FBI guy like in THE HIDDEN. Though, it’s never explicitly stated, we’re probably supposed to have found that out in the sequel.
And then aliens, who may or may not also be FBI agents, come in and shoot him. They’ve been tracking the gun down, so it’s not completely out of the blue. Anwyay, Billy gets got. By these guys.
These aliens stand on a roof while Billy’s raging against the machine and straight out gangsta’ shoot him. Yeah, these alien goofballs that look like taller ETs mixed with prunes.
Best part, since this is the late seventies, they’re stop-motion puppets. Yeah, Billy got killed by a stop-motion puppet. That loser.
Second best, the aliens have scenes completely amongst themselves and they speak in weird screeches. Which aren’t subtitled to that you know what’s going on. It’s clear from context, but whatever. It’s still awesome.
And Billy’s girlfriend is all sad that she won’t be getting anymore sweet sweet Billy loving, and FBI guy is sad that he won’t be getting an awesome laser cannon. And I’m happy because I don’t have to watch Billy the Loser anymore.