In the early days of American history, a lot of things slipped through the cracks. In the years that followed, scholars took great liberties with our shared history. This blog will attempt to shed the light on some of these key events. This is the Erotic Guide to American History.
Betsy Ross was recently widowed when her first husband died at a munition depot near the Delaware River. Miss Ross was left to tend to her Upholstery shop alone. One night, General George Washington arrived at the shop looking for an amazing design for the new flag of the United States of America. Betsy was intrigued by this talk drink of wigged water.
She asked him into her inventory room, where she gave the Founding Father some absinthe. The patriot drank, while Ross began to seductively show him some ankle. The General was worked into a vicious fury, while Miss Ross dared to drop her shawl. The General knew he was being seduced, but the liquor had dulled his senses.
Betsy told Washington of her desire to craft a new flag for America, but she wanted something in return. Betsy Ross needed dick. The General began to drank more, as Ross sprawled over her work bench. The lady needed some patriotic pounding and there was only one traitor to the crown to slam her.
Washington thought of his family, then continued to drink. This carried on for an hour, until he finally dropped his pants. Preparing to thrust into Betsy, the General found that he was stricken by what later Americans would dub Whiskey Dick.
Frustrated by the General’s performance, Betsy grabbed George by the ears and forced him face-first into her crotch. Little did Betsy know, but George passed out upon first taste of snatch. This didn’t stop Betsy, as she worked the General deeper and deeper into her birth canal. George’s teeth began to break, as they slammed against the lady’s pelvis. Betsy was ignoring this, as she was in carnal heaven.
Morning’s first light broke, when Betsy awoke to the General’s screams. Washington was spitting up blood, as he picked up the wrecked remnants of his bicuspids and molars. Betsy knew that there was only one to fix this mess. So, she took him to the French Canadian abortionist that also doubled as the town dentist. He had never seen such damage done to a set of choppers, so he replaced Washington’s fucked-up frown with some wooden teeth.
Washington welcomed his new tooth, but dared not to tell anyone about what had happened. Therefore, he gave Betsy Ross the contract to draft the new flag. A year later, everyone was all like that flag is fucking awesome. Some even complimented Betsy on her rockin’ tits. Betsy just smiled, as she walked past General Washington. The General dared not to smile back, as the world would come to learn his terrible secret.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Eating the pussy will fuck your day up, fellas.
NEXT TIME:
Does Aaron Burr have to shoot a bitch?!?