I have a letter column. I’ll answer any questions you ask me. Sometimes without being a sarcastic dick. This is a direct pipeline to whatever it is that I am, so please take advantage of it before I am no more. Use THIS LINK to send a letter, or just post it on our message board HERE.

And now, your letters…

Paul 755 Asks: Do you think you will ever review a movie in the same fashon that you did Cecil B. Demented or has the site “grown up” too much for something like that. I ask because that piece may be the funniest thing I have ever read on this site and Big Mamma’s House 3 is coming out next year…

Nick’s Reply: I don’t know. I can’t find the old review, but I remember it was a list of things I’d rather do than see Cecil B. Demented. What a dogshit that was (which was also a quote by Divine on a previous Waters flick). I will not be seeing the Martin Lawrence holocaust this year, so it wouldn’t be THAT film that got such a review. That said, I will be doing some Movie Microscopes this year.

Andres Asks: Are you afraid of any wikileaks?

Nick’s Reply: Anything unearthed and shared would only reinforce my side of any argument, so no. That said, I think folks should be entitled to their privacy on stuff like that. You don’t need to know I’m a closeted dirigiblesexual.

Lloyd Dobler Asks: First of all congratulations on new CHUD, its amazing. Love the ability to submit reviews. Now on with the questions…

1. When the CHUD Iphone app is up and running, will you be able to more easily log on to chat and the forums? I notice the mobile version doesnt have this option

Nick’s Reply: My goal is for the the mobile site to attain that functionality soon. So, it may be moot, but I’d like to think so. That said, I am not in charge of the app but assume it will have a myriad of delightful communication opportunities.

2. What do you think of Kevin Smith’s latest Red State so far? Do you think it will be a comeback of sorts?

Nick’s Reply: He certainly picked the scariest target in town, those crazy religious folks who consider being gay worse than being attacked by cyborg hate-being who carries a machine gun filled with Jewkiller rounds. That said, I thought the trailer was just a mishmash of images with no narrative. That bugs me. It looked like it was filmed by a real filmmaker, which was great. And I love Michael Parks. But I have no frame of reference in which to expect anything better than puke.

3. Have you met Princess Kate and is she a real person?

Nick’s Reply: I have not and I probably never will. I’m sure she is a real person, because it’s too early in the life-cycle for energypersons fueled by dreamchips to have attained sentience. Something tells me the good Princess may not be sticking around these parts for too much longer.

4. I’m going to shoot a low budget film this year, if worse comes to worse, do you think its possible to make a reasonable film on an Iphone 4 Park Chan Wook style?

Nick’s Reply: It’s possible but WHY? There’s enough better alternatives out there and it’ll never be anything more than a gimmick. And let’s face it, Park Chan Wook is a little better than most of us.

5. When is Dont Be Afraid Of The Dark coming out?

Nick’s Reply: That depends. There’s some stuff going on now. Efforts made to do a few tweaks for distribution. As you know, the movie is sort of in a weird place due to the changes at Miramax. We’ll see. You’ll see it before Summer I’d bet.

6. Ditto The Cabin in the Woods?

Nick’s Reply: No idea. It’s getting to the point where anticipation and delays create a sense of enhanced optimism and overhype. See: Trick ‘r Treat.

7. Whats your next film project?

Nick’s Reply: I will be directing a short in the next couple of months called The Captive, which is really cool, and if all goes well I’ll be making my feature debut within the next two years. Super low budget. otherwise, I have a film project I created and am co-writing that has studio interest and a television show we’re expect a draft of any day, Mr. Andrew Cosby…

8. If you had to be the middle part of a human centipede (first sequence) which two actresses would you pick and who would be ass and who would be mouth?

Nick’s Reply: I don’t care who it’d be, I’d rather just be dead.

Anyawatchin Angel Asks: Who wins?Ravens @ SteelersJets @ PatriotsSeahawks @ BearsPackers @ Falcons

Nick’s Reply: Sorry I missed the deadline on football predictions. In a perfect world the Steelers will win.

Better Fanning – Elle or Dakota?

Nick’s Reply: They’re both pale as fuck.

Better Season of The Witch – Nic Cage or Tom Atkins version?

Nick’s Reply: I’ll let you know. I plan to see the Nic Cage one this week, but I’m a big fan of the Silver Shamrock flick.

What’s the best 3D movie that came out the last couple years that’s not named Avatar?

Nick’s Reply: Well, before it’s all said and done, obviously Sea Rex but in the meantime I’ll choose How to Train Your Dragon 3-D or Piranha 3-D. I wish I’d seen Hubble 3-D though.

After I’ve seen Blue Valentine this weekend I’ll have seen just about all the Oscar contenders and good movies that are out.  What’s the next must see movie coming down the road?

Nick’s Reply: Biutiful, judging from most second hand info. Otherwise… The Adjustment Bureau?

Rene (Mr. Eko) Asks: When did you decide to grow your beard?

Nick’s Reply: That wasn’t a decision. It was a birthright. My clean shaven face was at the lake and a hand holding a ragged beard surfaced. It threw. I caught. And the rest is face history.

When are more Video Podcasts coming out? The first was friggin’ awesome and hilarious.

Nick’s Reply: We record on Friday, it arrives the following Tuesday full of hot and bothered magic.

When did you decide to do the revamp of CHUD?

Nick’s Reply: Three years ago. Then I was treated like Guam from every direction until the constant headache you’re clicking on happened. In my mind’s eye I see this thing being sparkly and near-perfect by Feb 1.

Is the facebook login on the boards helping with adding new members to the message board?

Nick’s Reply: Not in any way, shape or form.

When did you get the idea for Guy.com?

Nick’s Reply: It wasn’t my idea. A company I work closely with owned the domain and it wasn’t really doing anything and definitely was skin-centric and more geared towards the Maxim crowd. There’s nothing wrong with that. It just wasn’t my thing. My vision was something considerably different and appealing to a much wider base of people and something that could entertain, educate, and fulfill a wide arrangement of cultural wants and needs. I was given a budget… and poof.

What’s the last book you read?

Nick’s Reply: The last Jack Reacher book by Lee Child. Decent.

Have you read the novelization of John Carpenter’s The Thing?

Nick’s Reply: I have!

If you’ve read it, what do you think about the novelization?

Nick’s Reply: I haven’t read it since the 80’s so I don’t remember. But wasn’t it Alan Dean Foster? It was! I remember it being a bit bland but good.

Disciple 72 Asks: I’m fairly sure you’ve mentioned owning an ipad before (if I’m wrong, feel free to substitute some other similar device you like). How about your top ten games or applications?

Nick’s Reply: So many things are ALMOST great. I like the Pages writing app as well as Manuscript, Screenplay, and WordPress. I will be thrilled if a Final Draft app comes out and when the GoToMyPc one arrives I will be a pig in shit. Otherwise in no order: Plants vs. Zombies, Scrabble, MLB At Bat, Angry Birds, Magic Window, and Slingbox.

Hunter Tarantino Asks: Once again, your worst of list this year was an absolute delight to read. A pair of questions about it:

A) In the writeup on Cop Out, you reference The Hard Way and Number One with a Bullet and I laughed my ass off at those, though I do enjoy The Hard Way (I haven’t seen Number One with a Bullet but its newfound presence on Netflix Instant has me interested). What is your opinion of the Gene Hackman/Dan Aykroyd epic Loose Cannons, arguably the king shitstorm of the buddy cop genre?

Nick’s Reply: Number One with a Bullet stars Robert Carradine and Billy Dee Williams. How do you NOT see it? I am not a Loose Cannons fan, but only because it should have been so much better. Hackman is one of my favorites.

B) Was I the only one who thought Helena Bonham Carter was insufferable in Alice in Wonderland?

Nick’s Reply: No. She was a bastard to watch act.

2. Miami Vice, the show, are/were you a fan?

Nick’s Reply: No, but I love the movie.

3. Favorite Peter Hyams film?

Nick’s Reply: Running Scared I suppose… but one can never discount the Kothoga and his Sizemore challenging ways.

4. Unlawful Entry or Pacific Heights, the better “terrorized yuppies” thriller?

Nick’s Reply: Pacific Heights.

5. Best theatrical experience?

Nick’s Reply: For actual watching… probably Jaws. For things that happened while I was watching, probably The Hunt for Red October. For my pants leaving my body by my own volition in an act of frustration, Richard III… and for some reason Training Day kneecapped me.

6. Worst theatrical experience?

Nick’s Reply: Barb Wire.

7. Beer of choice?

Nick’s Reply: I’m not a beer guy but when I do it’s Allahash White, Guinness, Newcastle, Sweetwater Blue, or Boddingtons.

Don’tEATNachos Asks: I never thought I wanted an ereader but eventually ended up with a little Sony one.  And I friggin’ love it.  One of the best things is being able to get library books on it.  However, the waits and selection of ebooks for checkout is disappointing.Now that you’re more familiar with the publishing world, do you think we’ll ever get to a point where we have libraries with decent digital collections? Or are we going to get a new book-Netflix or be forced to buy any book we want to read from Amazon?

Nick’s Reply: Absolutely. Way of the future… way of the future… way of the future…

Patrick Ripoll Asks: What’s your favorite William Sadler movie?

Nick’s Reply: What am I a fuckin’ geologist?

What’s your favorite Kurosawa movie?

Nick’s Reply: He’s that Italian guy, right? Yojimbo.

What’s your favorite Nick Cage performance?

Nick’s Reply: Birdy and Raising Arizona for the tie.

How many DVDs/Blu-Rays do you, personally, own?

Nick’s Reply: I have slaughtered most of my DVD collection to be able to pay bills and ungratefuls, but I have a nice little Blu-ray stack going even though I sort of hate the format. UMD! UMD! Anyone with me?

WayDen Asks: What’s the average amount of time a week you spend on Netflix Instant Streaming?

Nick’s Reply: Zero times.

Barry Woodward Asks: 1. Are you looking forward to David Gordon Green’s “Adventures In Babysitting” remake “The Sitter” with Jonah Hill in the Elisabeth Shue role?

Nick’s Reply: Balls no! I am Jonah Hill’d out.

2. David Cronenberg, David Lynch and Steven Spielberg were each offered the chance to direct “Return Of The Jedi”. Who would you have preferred?

Nick’s Reply: In the 80’s? Spielberg. If it were a couple of decades later, Cronenberg. Two hours of Sarlaac, thirty minutes of Jedi action.

3. What’s your favorite John Hughes film?

Nick’s Reply: I think The Breakfast Club, but I could go with any of a handful of them honestly.

4. Were you ever sexually attracted to Molly Ringwald?

Nick’s Reply: I was very concerned about the carpet matching the drapes. I have a very vivid opinion of what her pubic hair must’ve looked like, and now that I think about it I still do. I have a very strong opinion on Molly Ringwald’s pubis.

5. What’s the best Bob Hoskins film of the 80’s?

Nick’s Reply: The Long Good Friday.

6. Which comedy are you more likely to revisit: “Can’t Buy Me Love” or “Just One Of The Guys”?

Nick’s Reply: Can’t Buy Me Love. Speaking of having a very strong pubic hair opinion…

7. How would you feel if Joel & Ethan Coen decided to remake “A Fish Called Wanda”?

Nick’s Reply: An impossible task.

8. Which film do you think more successfully utilized Yello’s song “Oh Yeah”: “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” or “The Secret Of My Success”?

Nick’s Reply: I loathe Ferris Bueller, so the winner by default is Margaret Whitton.

9. What’s your take on the rumor Anthony Michael Hall is being considered to play the lead in the next installment of National Lampoon’s “Vacation” series (with Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo back in a reduced capacity)?

Nick’s Reply: I think it’s about as interesting as having a tour of a paper mill.

10. Would you be interested in a Sam Raimi helmed “Gremlins” film?

Nick’s Reply: Nope.

11. What do you think of the “Midnight Run” made-for-TV sequels “Another Midnight Run”, “Midnight Runaround” and “Midnight Run For Your Life” starring Christopher McDonald?

Nick’s Reply: I never saw them, but only because I cherish life.

12. Who should play Mick Dundee in the “Crocodile Dundee” reboot: Russell Crowe or Hugh Jackman?

Nick’s Reply: Vinnie Jones.

13. Do you think Savage Steve Holland can make a comeback from the purgatory of Disney Channel TV series/movies and direct to DVD features?

Nick’s Reply: Nah. Even when he was in his prime no one cared.

14. Would you consider reviewing Criterion’s blu-ray of Brian De Palma’s “Blow Out”?

Nick’s Reply: I would, but I would get a lot of hate mail.

15. Do you look pretty in pink?

Nick’s Reply: I don’t look pretty on Earth.

Cindy Mogy Asks: PLEASE INCLUDE me in your list of all movie screenings for Memphis, Tennessee area I need tickets for 6 or 8 people……… any amount will be ok I love to go to movie premiers and can give reviews of the movies. There are very exciting things about seeing premiers. It is fun to tell people about the movies and that makes more money for the companies.

Nick’s Reply: This was sent in through the Leak Letters link so you’re fair game. Where do you get off telling me to not only automatically send you tickets even though the whole point is to have you frequent the site and click on articles and make the effort to warrant us going through the effort to send you free passes? Also, to be a glutton and ask for 6 or 8 people? You’re basically telling me that I should send all these passes to you rather than 6 or 8 people who will click around our site and help keep us in business? Your last two patronizing statements once again have nothing to do with us. Lastly, looking at the composition of your entry, I think I’ll pass on you sending reviews. Plus, you’d have to actually click around CHUD to find them and that is outside your realm of possibilities.

Renn Brown Asks: What are your thoughts on fire?

Nick’s Reply: I have a thought about Nepal that is on fire. I have song lyrics to ‘We Didn’t Start the Fire’ in my head, currently burning. My passion for melons is on fire. I am trying to remember if I flushed my masturbation ejaculate this morning, a thought which is currently on fire.

How much grass is there?

Nick’s Reply: 4 grass.


Nick’s Reply: A ribald year! Six seafarers were eaten by ocean mice. The King fell into his moat and got moat AIDS. A man discovered America poorly. The Algonquin Indians had an orgy in the forest and forgot She-Steams Montgomery in the wake of such tomfoolery. The daughter of Henry Chadwick III blew her ass muscles out during a brisk jog. A group of crickets accidentally played the theme to Happy Days, but no one knew.


Nick’s Reply: