I’m not a patriotic person. I never really have been. I’ve never really understood it. My friends and family know this. They’ve all heard it from me repeatedly – not that I necessarily force my non-patriotism upon them, but they usually ask why the 4th of July is leaving me so nonplussed. Living in France for 2 years didn’t help any. Nothing will destroy the patriotic chest-thumping of America being the greatest country on planet like actually visiting other countries. Now, while I may not be a patriotic American, I’m not anti-American. I’m not ashamed to be American. I am very happy that I am American, and love my country very much. But that swelling sense of pride within my chest? It’s a mystery to me. I’ve experienced it on a few rare occasions, and oddly enough the recent screening of Jackass 3D I attended at 12:01 am Friday was one of those occasions.

I know, right?

I don’t know what it is, but there is something so inherently American about the Jackass films. Yeah, people everywhere are hurting themselves with stupid stunts, but Jackass is 100% American. I don’t know why and I don’t really know how, but Jackass 3D made me feel what other people describe feeling when they look at the flag or whatever. It is the indomitable spirit of America. I was as shocked as can be to feel all “America-y” thanks to a man being hit in the balls with a tee-ball.

So, fellow Americans, or foreigners of all stripes, as you salute your flag and enjoy your day of independence, be they the 4th of July, the 14th, or yet-to-come (Cuz’ America’s deemocrussy is cumming for yew, world!) I’ll salute men running a gauntlet of tasers and cattle-prods. And you know what? We’ll feel rather the same thing.