Well, hopefully we’d all win and they’d just end up killing each other, but seriously, this is a question I found myself posing in the course of a discussion a few days ago, where I had the unfortunate experience of being subjected to both of these lethargic douche bags’ music while in a public place.

Why would anyone assume people gathered for liver lubrication would want to hear the self-indulgent meanderings of these modern hippies? And make no mistake, they are hippies.

So back to the question at hand. The satellite radio (I fear if it was a jukebox and someone paid money for it) in said watering hole played johnson and mayer and I found myself wondering which was worse? Of course in that particular instance mayer won the ‘Most-Wretched’ simply because the track that played was his cover of Jimi Hendrix’ classic ‘Axis Bold As Love’. Do I really need to say this?

Don’t. Cover. Hendrix.

Ever.

There are a smattering of great Hendrix covers, such as The Cure’s version of Purple Haze, and what any of these have in common is the artist(s) covering them do something completely different with the songs. But for the most part, covering Hendrix is to musical idols what using the bible for toilet paper is to christians. Except worse because we know Hendrix wrote and performed his songs.

But I digress. So, as I sat and contemplated which was worse the thought mutated in my brain and I found myself wondering if somehow, someway the Universe could see fit to put johnson and Mayer in a situation where they began a rivalry, a la Tupac and Biggie. Circumstances are unimportant but just for arguments sake, oh, I don’t know… maybe there is only one swath of patchouli left and both are in need of it for a date… if the stars could somehow align and see fit to provide this scenario, and it escalated into fisticuffs, which hippie would win?

Let’s see…



or



Well I’m inclined to believe that johnson would win, although it seems a safe bet that he would show up at the fight sans shoes and thus present ol’ johnny with the opportunity to step on his bare toes and gain the upper hand. Still, johnson apparently surfs and thus is probably in better shape than mayer. Plus, as milquetoast as I find johnson’s music to be and as reviled as I am by the lethargic attitude he often presents, he doesn’t quite invoke the bile that mayer does by perpetually wearing that self-important, shit-eating grin. And if he’s that smug (and you know he is if he’s covering Hendrix) you know he’ll underestimate the hippie. And that gives the advantage to johnson.

Go Get ‘Em Jack!!!