Miller Fucked Life.

Beer commercials are the worst.

This is not a new opinion. I have long grown numb to the proliferation of advertisements that equate the golden elixir to some cosmic juice that is more important than relationships, worth risking your life for, and the secret missing ingredient to a perfect life. With all of the numerous annoying beer commercials out there, a few in recent months has really invoked my ire.

Ones involving this guy:

The premise of the commercials involve this delivery jackass going into restaurants and establishments that sell Miller High Life [do people actually drink that swill?] and recalling the product because the places charge too much for their food and drink. As if he’s the crusader for the common man. He walks in yapping away endlessly, gets violently offended by the high prices and hoity-toity atmosphere and takes the cases of beer from the places in order to take them presumably to the people to whom Miller High Life really represents the high life, the most euphoric level of pleasure one can reach. These people are apparently exclusively Vietnam vets still harvesting Agent Orange, transients with tunnel vision, migrant workers with open sores covering 75% of their body, and Joe Don Baker.

Now let me preface this by telling you that I know these are beer commercials and not to be interpreted as reality. These are created by marketing teams, not actual human beings who have to think the process through. They care about awareness and ratings and possible sales spikes. They have no interest in how the real world works. I know this but still I must complain.

First of all, no offense to deliverymen the world over… this guy’s not really in a position to be making those kinds of decisions for his gigantic and global company. He’s a deliveryman. In reality, if he did what he does in these commercials, the restauranteur would call the manufacturer wondering why the product he paid the asking price for was being stolen from his shelves by an employee of the manufacturer, all the while as he spouted rhetoric about how poorly the restauranteur ran his business. The guy would be shitcanned faster than Anson Williams runs to the mailbox looking for a residual check. Plus, establishments all have different cost ratios. Some restaurants need to charge more, whether it be because of their high overheard, prestigious location, the breadth of their menu, the limited nature of their menu, the franchising fees, or one of many other perfectly sane reasons. Even if there wasn’t a reason, as business you can charge whatever you damn well please. You may fail because of it, but it’s certainly no place for a cardiac risk of a deliveryman to intercede.

It’s not like they’re a free website where people feel perfectly happy ripping the free website for having advertisements that annoy them or anything…

So the commercials are ill-advised. Especially since the people at Miller probably enjoy a wide array of establishments buying their product for public consumption and unlikely enjoyment. These commercials are cute until you realize that this guy has a lot more in common with a hacker than Robin Hood.

But it’s just a commercial, I know…

But regardless of all my “logic” there’s one overriding reason why this guy and these commercials are a total assault on GOOD:

He’s fucking annoying and he looks like he hasn’t finished forming. Put that fucker back in the oven until his shape isn’t so friggin’ amorphous. That’s reason enough to send this lowlife far away from the High Life.

- Nick Nunziata would smash him with a Guinness bottle if it weren’t for the fact that Guinness bottles actually contain something good.