So, I’m looking at the new Bespin Fatigues Luke Skywalker figure I picked up a couple of weeks ago (five UPCs from these figs equal a mail-away, rocket-firing Boba Fett figure using the original mold from the eighties!) and a thought occurred to me…

…which I decided would make a decent CHUD Blog.  In fact, I may even make this a recurring Blog topic if these ridiculous thoughts keep popping into my head while I’m in the middle of various movie-related activities.

So, without further ado…

Some friendly advice to Luke Skywalker as he makes his way from Dagobah to Cloud City in his X-Wing fighter…

Luke – you reek, man.  You smell like weeks-old sweat combined with wet mynock and just a hint of 900 year-old joints slathered in Old Ben Gay.  Where the hell have you been hanging out, in a swamp?  Seriously, you’re filthy.  You didn’t honestly think it was a good idea to face Vader like that, did you?  No wonder he knew you were coming – he didn’t sense it in the Force, he could literally smell you through his breathing apparatus the minute you entered the Bespin system.

My recommendation?  There are some recently (and I mean recently) vacated quarters scattered throughout the mining colony’s facilities.  And I mean, everywhere.  One of them probably has a shower.  Go clean yourself up.  It might be a good idea to make yourself look presentable before you meet your dad for the first time.

Oops.  Did I say dad?

And now…

A friendly phone call to the authorities about the US Army test site up in the mountains of Indian Springs…

Hello?  Yes, is this the Indian Springs Sheriff’s Office?  Yes, I’d like to call in an anonymous tip about a wild animal on the loose.  Yes, I know the authorities are quite busy right now, what with all that piranha mess and all.  What?  Oh, there is no piranha mess?  My apologies, I had heard that… Oh, it was all a mistake – just  a panic started by some crazy mountain drunk?  I see.  What?  Oh, right – the tip.  Yes, I know you are all quite busy with the pir- I mean, the trouble that occurred at the Lost River Lake Resort.  Anyway, I just thought it might be a good idea if you send a deputy or someone up to that old hatchery that was converted to a US Army test site.  Yes, there appears to be some weird reptile on the loose up there.  No sir, I’m not trying to incite a panic during another panic.  No, I’m not saying that there are alligators in the sewers, though I heard there might be some in Chicago.  Yes, I’m aware that this isn’t Chicago.  No, in fact it appears to be quite docile, sir.  Well, I just saw it walking around and being… well, curious.  Yes sir, I said curious.  No sir, I’m not drunk.  Yes sir, if you could just send animal control up to take care of it, I would be greatly appreciative.  Yes sir, I’m aware that my story sounds sketchy.  My name?

Um…

*click*