Remember Clean Flix, the Utah-based video rental business that drew a good bit of media attention by offering sanitized (and unauthorized) edits of films featuring “objectionable” content?  Well, the studios – and their persistent threats of highly justified lawsuits – finally drove the company out of business last December.  Good riddance, right?  Thankfully, the story does not end there.

According to The Salt Lake Tribune, the morally upstanding proprietor of Clean Flix, Daniel D. Thompson, was arrested this week for allegedly breaking off an Andrew Jackson in exchange for back-to-back hummers from a pair of fourteen-year-old girls eager to “earn money to move out of their homes”. Putting aside the staggering amount of johnson you’d have to gargle to make rent anywhere at those rates (and let’s face it: girls this savvy ain’t tryin’ to blow their way to Provo)… okay, I can’t put that aside.  That’s a piddling $10 apiece!  How much of that is getting kicked back to their sixteen-year-old pimp? We’re not talking agent/manager percentages here!  Their per-john take-home is, at best, $6 (and whatever tip they pocketed).  Given the effort and heightened need for discretion (prohibitive age of consent rules out the duck-and-fuck ease of working the corner), there’s no way they’re sucking off a livable wage. Buried in the margins of this story’s religious hypocrisy is a pull-yourself-up-by-the-fishnets tragedy.  Where’s Joseph Mitchell when you need him?

And then there’s Thompson’s transgression, which is so utterly passé in comparison.  A religious nut felled by his unquenchable thirst for strange quim?  I’ve seen that movie.  It’s called The North Avenue Irregulars.  And Cloris Leachman’s pretty good in it. 

Of course Clean Flix was a front for pornographic filmmaking; you flipped that card when you christened your business “Clean Flix”, asshole.  I’m just disappointed that they only found a keg of beer and painkillers on the premises; only an amateur shoots porn without a Hyundai full of coke at their disposal.