The San Diego Comic Con is here again and, just like every year, I am already packing up deodorant, cologne, soap, whiskey, and a gas mask for the annual celebration of movies, television shows, video games and…uh…comics. And, just like every year, a combination of excitement and dread fills my ulcer-ridden guts. Questions plague my under-worked brain, like… how much free shit can I get? And, what the hell am I going to do with all the free shit that I get?
It seems that every other blog I do is about Comic Con, which shows you just how many times I update this fucking thing. It also shows you how creatively bankrupt I am. But, at least I admit it. Stick around for some more dick and fart jokes!
Anyway, there have been rumors of the Con moving north, to Anaheim or Los Angeles. From a less-hassle point-of-view, either one of these choices would be a nifty idea (although I have absolutely no clue as to what these two cities have in terms of floor space for such an event, but I can guarantee they both have enough hotels). Obviously, most entertainment-based professionals live in Los Angeles, and Anaheim is nearby, so it would probably be more convenient to ship the talent back and forth from these areas. Having grown up in San Diego though, I would hate to see this clusterfuck of geekdom shuffle off to another venue.
Luckily, Las Vegas took its name off the table, which would have been awful if it stayed, since that city is a festering bunghole. And, like I’ve said before, the Comic Con is already like Vegas. It’s hot, stinky, I inevitably lose all my money, and I’m drunk the whole time I’m there.
This year will probably be no different than year’s past. I constructed an elaborate schedule for each day of the Con and I will, more than likely, throw it away once I get there. Why? Because just about everything I want to see is in the fabled Hall H; a monstrous construction with massive screens and uncomfortable seats that geeks and nerds camp inside of every goddamn day. Are you interested in seeing, say, The Expendables panel at 4:45 PM on Thursday? Well, you better get your fucking ass in line…RIGHT NOW!
So, while I have visions of moving in and out of panels with the ease of a watery bowel movement, I already know that this is nothing more than a pipe dream. With that in mind, I offer up my annual tips and tricks to fellow Con-goers:
-Get in line early! Especially if you want to see shit in Hall H. Hall H is a bottomless pit filled with tumbling nerds and dorks. It is dark, stinky, and horrific. People stay in here all day. If you want to see a panel at 5:00 PM, well, you better fucking get in line at 1:00 AM the night (or day?) before.
-Bring a packed lunch. The Comic-Con “food court” is pretty piss-poor and costs quite a bit of cash. Like any kind of popular event, prices are jacked-up to ridiculous heights. While there are numerous food options throughout the Con (like behind the Pavilion), these won’t do too much for you if you are a vegetarian or aren’t in the mood for Mrs. Field’s Cookies. Several options are available downtown, which is right across the street from the Convention Center. However, this is a problem if you want to catch a panel at a specific time and have only a few minutes to bolt to a certain room. To combat this problem I load my cargo shorts with Nilla Wafers, airplane glue, protein bars, and mini liquor bottles. Not only will all this shit fill you up, but it makes the atrocious lines somewhat bearable.
-Bring a camera or a cellphone with a camera. At some point or another you are going to want your picture taken with a costumed jackass or a semi-celebrity. Want an example? I got my picture taken with a moron dressed like a pot leaf, as well as one of the actors from Pirates of the Caribbean (the short, fat one). How fucking cool is that?
-As always, stow away an extra pack of smelling salts, just in case the horrific stench on the Convention floor seeps through your pores and attacks your nervous system.
And that’s it from me. Hope to see you all there!
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