What’s it going to take, people? How much longer does this have to go

We’ve already got Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans,
Disaster Movie
and Date Movie, every one an embarrassing
disaster and a bigger box office dud than the one before it. Their most
recent monstrosity, Disaster Movie, made only $14 million against
a $20 million budget. You’d think that would be enough of a failure,
but no.

We have this.

Seriously, what’s it going to take?! How many of these shallow
and cheaply-produced cash grabs need to come out until we learn to
stop paying to see them? When are the studios going to stop thinking
that this is a good idea? How many more opportunities do we need to see
that Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer are the most unfunny and
untalented hacks working in show business today?

*sigh* Anyway, I guess we all should’ve known that it was only a
matter of time before these assholes took on the Twilight franchise. God
knows everyone else has. But what strikes me as strange is that
Friedberg and Seltzer — known for writing jokes according to movie
trailers so they’ll be relatively fresh when the movie comes out — took
this long to get to it. All of the Twilight books have been released
(not counting Midnight Sun, which is on indefinite hold) and the only
movie left to go is the very last one. There’s not a joke in this
trailer about Twilight or its fans that we haven’t already heard before,
except for that tasteless delivery guy joke and that baseball gag,
which… I’ll grudgingly admit was actually kind of funny. Still, the
point stands that while a Twilight spoof movie might have been funny two
or three years ago, this is well past its expiration date. All the
low-hanging fruit has already been picked.

But of course, Friedberg and Seltzer never could make fun of just one
thing. No, in their typical style, they have to spoof every single
thing that’s remotely popular right now, logic and restraint be damned.
Lady Gaga, Alice in Wonderland and the cast of Jersey Shore are
on the block, and I’ll bet good money that Glee is somewhere in the
movie, too. But really, that shouldn’t be necessary. There are so many
Twilight jokes out there that making a movie out of nothing but them
should be easy. No, it’s obvious that Friedberg and Seltzer are cramming
in every pop culture reference they can not to be funny, but to boost
box office dollars and maintain the illusion of relevance. In the
trailer, Lady Gaga and the Jersey Shore cast don’t really do anything
except stand around, which says volumes about how the filmmakers utilize
them for comedy’s sake.

And Ken Jeong… what the fuck, dude? You were in The Hangover,
one of the biggest-grossing comedies in the past few years and you’re a
regular on Community, which is getting a second season. Why are you
still looking for work and looking for it with goddamn Friedberg and
Seltzer? If we knew that you still needed money this badly, we could’ve
put on a bake sale or something. What happened, man?

The bottom line is that this movie should not exist.  Such genuine
comedic talent as Ken Jeong should not have to stoop this low. Friedberg
and Seltzer should not be working and no one should be paying one cent
toward their careers.

Vampires Suck is being released this August 18. Also seeing
release at around the same time are Lottery Ticket, Nanny
McPhee Returns
and Piranha 3D. This is gonna be a crappy
weekend for movie lovers. At least The Expendables and Scott
come out the weekend before.