Earlier this evening, the ladyfriend and I made our way to a new dine-in theater to see the newest shitstallment of the Twilight Saga: Eclipse. The following is the aftermath.
First off, I’m a firm believer that you cannot truly make fun of a movie until you have seen it. So, not being able to turn down the idea of hating on Twilight, I have seen both Twilight and New Moon. And they sucked.
Eclipse isn’t an exception. The only somewhat improvement is found in the direction of David Slade (Hard Candy). For the first time in the Twilight Saga, one of the movies actually looks like a movie. Colors are used and settings outside of a high school and the forest are explored. I was actually impressed with what Eclipse could have accomplished. COULD have.
The cast still can’t act. Kristen Stewart falls on screen and calls it dancing. Robert Pattinson stands still with a stone-cold face while the director boldly claims, “Vampires don’t have emotions!!”. Taylor Lautner STILL doesn’t shop at Old Navy. And the cast and crew continue the trend of not feeding Dakota Fanning so she can play a pissed off Hot Topic version of Little Red Riding Hood. Ugh, it’s bad.
The only character I feel any emotion towards is Bella’s father, Charlie. Although the only emotion is sympathy, it’s still an emotional connection. Instead of saying, “Wow, I feel bad for Charlie”, I found myself asking, “Why is this decent actor giving his life over?”. He kind of reminds me of a poor man’s Ron Livingston. Which is unfortunate because Ron Livingston is a poor man’s Peter Gallagher.
So here’s a quick run through of the movie for you readers out there who are hearing ridiculous quotes along the lines of, “Best movie of the summer”.
And I warn you. MAJOR Spoilers lie ahead. So stop reading if you don’t want the already ruined movie ruined for you.
-Bella won’t marry Edward because she likes playing mindgames.
-Bella is grounded by her father for going to Italy and not bringing him so her punishment is to hang out with her good friend, Jacob.
-Bryce Dallas Howard throws on a wig, runs for an hour, flirts and dies.
-Anna Kendrick stops by, acts like Up In The Air never happened and reverts back to horrible acting.
-Vampires and Werewolves team up to kill vampires.
-Vampires decide to set up a demo to show werewolves how they clothesline enemies. Tony Hawk doesn’t appear.
-Jasper is given a pathetic back-story that explains absolutely nothing.
-Bella & Edward go into hiding inside a fucking glass house.
-Vampires are made of ice and somehow catch on fire.
-Edward & Jacob re-enact a Brokeback Mountain scene, use the word “her” instead of “you” and in some twisted, hilarious fashion create the most passionate scene in Twilight yet. BY TALKING ABOUT HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT EACH OTHER.
And finally, I present Ryan’s Twilight Highlight:
-Bella says “I do” while Jacob gets his rib cage smashed by Kurt Cobain (look-a-like).
So, rest assured: Eclipse is no exception to the horrible entries in the Twilight series. And I’m now given the rights to publicly hate this series as much as I want. And I’m given a blog. This could be hilarious.
Game of the Blog:
In the comments, name your favorite Vampire movie to show Twi-hard fans what vampires are supposed to be. Mine? Let The Right One In.