STUDIO: Phase 4 Films
MSRP: $29.99
RATED: Not Rated
RUNNING TIME: 81 minutes

* Featurette

The Pitch

If you lose your lady at the club, she’ll become an indentured whore.

The Humans

Natassia Malthe, Sam Page and David Gant

The Nutshell

A lovely couple visits the male’s father in Spain. Screwing around in a local disco, the chick gets drugged and kidnapped. The male finds out that his dad does some seedy shit and his female hole has been sold into sexual slavery. Following the trail of the White Arab, the man unit fights his way toward his lady love’s indentured love holes. There’s a lot of crass nudity and degradation, so keep a box of tissues at hand. If you’re a lady, there’s no reason to watch this. Unless you like rooting for rape and prostitution. Am I right, ladies? Holla!

One heart. One brain. Two buttholes. I’d like to see Jane Seymour make jewelry for this.

The Lowdown

Slave is like a weird riff on Meet the Parents. A loving couple leaves America to find the guy’s dad and get his approval for their upcoming marriage. The dad has a weird past much like DeNiro’s Jack Burns, but this Focker is into drugs and whore wrangling. When the lady parts goes missing, the dude goes all Clash at Demonhead and fights back. From there, the film turns into this bizarre C-movie take on Taken. While Liam Neeson is a bad ass who blows Kraken juice in Chloe, this guy is a joke.

Apparently, the lead actor is Joan’s doctor raper husband from Mad Men. Being a non-entity apparently transcends television and moves into feature films. I don’t want to spoil the film for you, as I’m hard pressed to remember much about it. But, there’s a crazy amount of tits. You almost get a hint of front vag, but the whiff of pubic hair was almost too much to get this film through the MPAA wringer. Do you call smidgens of pubic hair a whiff? I always thought it was a hint of pubic hair, but nobody ever gives me straight answers to these questions. 

I know that a lot of you bitch about us reviewing stuff like this, but there’s someone out there that’s going to rent it. Honestly, I’d rather spend my time talking about Little Fockers. Did you see that? It was pretty fucking epic for a PG-13 comedy. You know what bugged me about it? Jessica Alba’s character was using MySpace as a Social Networking site. That’s so unrealistic, as most fuckable cheerleaders turned slutty pharmaceutical drug reps use Facebook or LinkedIn. While that isn’t the film’s worst sin, it’s a terrible oversight that must be corrected in the Special Edition release.

Back to this film, it exists. It’s no Meet the Fockers, but what is? Also, how many times have we had to endure Americans getting tortured by fucked-up Europeans? What happened to the good ol’ days of America throwing Germans out of an open window at Nakatomi Plaza? I’d blame Obama, but the problem started before him. If America would just come together and say no to these garbage flicks, we could move forward as a people. Then, we could watch more Ben Stiller comedies. That guy is the reason why Robert DeNiro is still relevant.

Robert Loggia’s little clone Stumpy.

The Package

comes with no extras. The A/V Quality is passable for a first-generation DVD from 1998. I would bemoan the lack of an HD release, but this film appears to have been shot on favors and stolen lunch money. If you want to watch a terrible movie tonight, I’d recommend catching Burlesque. If you want to watch an abortion, check out this film. I’d recommend a double feature with Meet the Parents. If you can’t find that title, I’d recommend checking out any part of the Focker trilogy.

2.5 out of 10