Merry Christmas everyone! And a Happy Chinese Food Night to my Jewish friends!

What better way to ease into the evening, after stuffing your face-hole with of ham, cookies, and eggnog (or General Tso’s chicken), than gathering the family on the couch to watch a guy fire-hose a girl in the face with gallons of semen?

Filmmakers Drew Bolduc and Dan Nelson are in the giving spirit this season, and today (and today only, I believe) they are offering their batshit opus of juvenile bedlam, The Taint, for free via Megavideo – which I’ve embeded below. 
The film follows a hipster waste-oid (played by Bolduc) as he discovers his town has been infected by tainted water, which turns any male who drinks it into a violent maniac. Bolduc and Nelson’s choice of a title should let you know where their sensibilities lie. The Taint is one of the most absurdly crass and immature films I’ve ever seen, which belies the fact that it is surprisingly well made and quite funny. Discovering this film was a bit like finding a hairy cock and balls drawing in a toilet stall and marveling at how well it was drawn.

Believe me when I say juvenile. The film feels like it was made by the world’s most talented twelve-year-olds. In the first five minutes of the film our hero pukes actual puke (as in the actor really puked), is chased by a man who is shitting his pants while running, and attacked by another man whose giant dick is hanging out of his fly and leaking semen. In fact, when any male gets “tainted” in the film, his penis gets bigger, popping through his fly and dangling outwards, then endlessly dripping spoog. Still reading? Well, the fact that The Taint actually has a humorous explanation for this penis gag is just part of it subversive charm.

If ever there was a film that could be described as “not for everyone” it is The Taint. It is so ridiculously immature that for most of the film I wasn’t sure if I was laughing out of actual enjoyment or sheer bewilderment. But if you can get past all the dangling dicks, there is some method to the madness. There are some great gags in here, and the gore FX work is frankly rather astounding given how low-budget and half-assed many aspects of the film are.

It’s too bad I hadn’t seen this film when we did Bodily Function Junction.

A warning: the first 5 minutes or so are the worst portion of the film. I almost turned off my DVD upon my viewing, but if you can make it through that mire, you’re well on your way to a night of joyously debased entertainment.

Even if you think you won’t enjoy The Taint, I still recommend you click play and watch the opening “studio ID,” which is a great bit of neo-retro extravagance. And I promise, there are no dicks in it.

Happy Holidays!