Who wouldn’t want unlimited access to Carvel ice cream’s crunchies for the next 75 years? And their ice cream. And their smile factory of an establishment. I go into a Carvel and I emerge triumphant. Bouyant. Well, I did when I was seven years old in Spring Valley, New York. Now the stuff tastes like it came out of a bull with hypothermia but free ice cream is free ice cream.

In addition to making the world laugh, crashing orgies, and watching rats get decimated, Patton Oswalt possesses a charitable spirit. For Comedy Death Ray the actor/comedian/AICN reviewer has offered up some goodies and watching the numbers escalate it’s unlikely most of us could make a run for the items but they are sort of dream goodies, depending on your passion. Ebay has the goods and it’s stuff like this that makes me happy. If comedians can help fight hunger, maybe there’s hope for a girl like me.

75 Years of Free Carvel Ice Cream. That’s a lot of Fudgie the Goddamn Whale. That’s 75 years of Fatass. But you’ll die with a massive smile. When I first looked the bidding on Patton’s auction was under a thousand. Now it’s SEVEN THOUSAND!

A private tour of Pixar
. Patton hints at there being a speakeasy there. If that’s true it’s the best thing that’s literally ever happened. I can’t imagine there’s a Chewer alive who wouldn’t want in on this.

A piece of clothing from Mr. Show. A bowling shirt. Gold. It’s the private clothing of Famous Mortimor, a character played by Oswalt. This one’s still somewhat affordable!