MSRP: $59.98
RATED: Not Rated
RUNNING TIME: 924 minutes

  • Unaired scenes
  • Return to Camp One Tree Hill: The experiences of newcomers Robert Buckley, India DeBeaufort, Jana Kramer and Shantel VanSanten
  • Spring Break with One Tree Hill: Two contest winners are put through their paces working as production assistants on spring break
  • OTH–The Director’s Debut: Following First-Time Helmer Sophia Bush
  • Commentary on two episodes by series creator Mark Schwahn and key cast and crew
  • Gag reel

The Pitch

A group of aliens from a distant war torn galaxy grow up watching a loop of WB broadcasts from 1996 they somehow picked up on their home planet. Years later, the group crash lands on earth and must fit in or cause worldwide panic. Eventually, they find a small southern town full of successful, attractive twentysomethings and, after a bit of pod people magic, they take over the bodies of local residents. The aliens continue to live out their stolen lives, creating drama that plays well in montages.

The stills we aren’t seeing from Tron: Legacy

The Humans

James Lafferty, Bethany Joy Galeotti, Sophia Bush, Paul Johansson, Lee Norris

The Nutshell

We jump in the middle of a scandal, Nathan is accused of sleeping with a random girl on tour playing for his fictional NBA team with a horrible name (Bobcats), but he totally didn’t because he loves his wife. Meanwhile, his son Jamie has trouble understanding what is happening when people on TV say things about his dad, so he says a bunch of obnoxious annoyingly cute shit and shows up when the writers are bored. Nathan’s dad, who talks a lot about murdering his own brother, is on some impossibly fake TV show where he gets to monologue with a useless clock counting down behind him. And, to everyone’s apparent shock, he uses his show to help his son through his scandal. Nathan doesn’t like that, so he kind of gets grumpy for half an episode.

But the other citizens of Tree Hill have aren’t without their own artificial melodrama to deal with. The annoying nerd from Boy Meets World gets fired from his job for having a giant mouth, just as his girlfriend becomes the smallest plus size model ever and instantly gets addicted to cocaine. A movie producer with perfect hair desecrates the name of Terrence Malick and has sex with a world class fashion designer. Other hot people come and go as they please. There’s some guy who always has a faint five o’clock shadow and looks like the guy you’re scared your girlfriend is screwing, and his equally punchable friend. And all the woman they have sex with, most of which would blind the average man. Why is this show still on the air?

Oh, Chad Michael Murray and some chick that was apparently important aren’t on the show anymore. That’s probably big news to twelve year old girls and weird hipsters that tweet about the show.

Finding out Robert Z’Dar is your dad is never easy.

The Lowdown

I’ve never seen or paid attention to the existence of One Tree Hill prior to watching the seventh season, so it’s probably not about aliens recreating Dawson’s Creek. I made that up because I don’t care what happened and the wiki entry is too long. But even so, it is some kind of science fiction. Some kind of creepy hardcore Stepford Wives sci-fi. It all takes place in an evil, backwards town where Stuart Minkus has three hot woman fighting over him. Everyone in this town is happy, successful, and really fucking hot. And time seems to move at an extended pace. They shoot movies in Tree Hill and a month later the movie is finished, screened, and sold. I’m guessing I missed the episode where we see the town’s inner workings take a direct page from Shirley Jackson’s The Lottery.

They had to have fucked or killed someone, because everyone in this creepy village is some sort of worldwide celebrity. I’m guessing the main void of personality is the NBA star, Nathan. He gets millions of dollars to play basketball and is married to a pop superstar. They have an annoying cute spawn who sure learns a lot about life from all his adult friends. He’s adorable and incredibly articulate, wise beyond his seven years even. Isn’t it great when attractive people breed? Nothing better than a hot family who loves each other. And trust, they trust each other.Nothing more entertaining than watching attractive people with great values make money doing stupid things. I love you CW, almost as much as you love Death Cub For Cutie.

“Everything I know about acting, I learned from Jonathan Lipnicki.”

Families are awesome, but some attractive people are single, better to spread the seed after all, and I’m really interested in who they are sleeping with. How about a movie producer with firm abs who gets to direct a movie because he punches a guy? He’s making sweet PG-13 love to Sophia Bush, who may have the best body ever. Two pop stars sleep with two different bartenders, a bad Lindsay Lohan standin sleeps with a gay movie star. Hot people like to breed, and we like to watch. There is so much attractive sex going on here, it really makes me glad they have Mumford and Sons to play over it. No one in their twenties has sex without a Pitchfork approved playlist, and the pretty people need to be a few months ahead of the Urban Outfitter crowd. 

The CW: Where 14 year old boys come of age to anorexics in awkward poses

So much safe, loving sex between people with tight bodies can be a bit hard to take, but thankfully they have a bunch of other useless shit in their lives to take up the time in between. I lost count of all the hot people who are polite and call each other by nicknames, but the town seems to just replace them whenever one of them goes on a world tour. So, there is an endless supply of people that are hip and young and ready to party until 11 PM. People who like to be responsible and cry in public. People who have moments. Real moments. Moments like you had in high school, if you were a terrible person in high school. Moments where characters reveal that instead of personality they have some overblown tragic childhood memory.

All smugness aside, this show is terrible, and it’s an awful influence on the target audience. This is how thirteen year old girls are going to think adult life is like? But I don’t care about thirteen year old girls, what depresses me is that something this stupid is still on TV. It’s full of a special kind of self important masturbation that leads to ironic followings, but the show is clearly not in on any sort of joke. If you play Ryan Adam’s cover of Wonderwall over a montage of people looking over vast landscapes, that’s not being ironic. It’s terrible and obvious. The show is all telegraphed and false. I had fun calling out the plot twists and the song that would play over the montage reveal for a while, but then I got sad when I remembered that people get paid to write this. Character development is non-existent here, they just add lazy plot hooks in place of any real development. A character snorts coke for the first time and then almost instantly gets arrested, addicted, and a stick shoved up their ass. Three episodes right there, and you can have them run into an old flame in rehab. And that after school special plot is the most exciting thing that happens during the season, most of the drama actually involves a character obsessed with making soup. Soup. They should just fire the writing staff at this point and reuse the plots from The O.C. fanfics.

Throw Poop At a Child Star Day is my favorite holiday.

The Package

Commentaries and some fluff pieces. I liked the commentaries, because people talking about stupid things like they have any value is always good entertainment. The featurettes and deleted scenes are a lot of the vapid ramblings of the wooden actors. They sure are pretty though.

Transfers are fine, a little grainy but I’m sure it’s some terrible style choice some douche thinks is ‘edgy’. The audio is solid and sounds like the Target ad they are so desperately trying to ape.

1.5 out of 10