the author tells you of the many things out there that make him want to
become a master thief with an exceptionally large basement to hoard the
myriad material things worth owning and loving.

day. The love of consumption is a shameful yet glorious thing as
evidenced by the many odd and showy collections many of us have in our
homes whether it be things we now regret [my 40 long boxes of comic books I’d part with for a pittance] or the ones we wear as badges of pride [my Creature from the Black Lagoon collectibles].
Some folks say that these kinds of material things ruin us and make us
slaves to pop culture and for many it does. For others like myself,
some stuff whether frivolous or not, simply must be gotten. For those
people, I present this new subcolumn. These are things who are 100% fucked.

Previous amazing columns are linked to at the bottom of this article.


1. Gettin’ the newspaper with your tits on.

It’s a rare that a product exists that solves two distinct needs like warming your feet and walking around your home on tits. But the time has come as these revolutionary titslippers are here to do exactly that…

…and who knows, you just may look down and get so unbelievably stoked that you pleasure yourself all over your bouncy new footwear. Stranger things have happened. Not in America, but they’ve happened.

Boobs for shoes. Better yet, hideous weird boobs with big brown nightmare nipples whose creases remind us of war atrocities and whose detachment from the female form negates most of the qualities that have bumped breasts from humdrum swinging meats to one of the things that makes the world a delight.

Nicky’s Trivia:

  • None of the proceeds benefit the Susan Komen charity, but some will go towards buying someone’s special lady a vibrator shaped like the Hindenburg.

  • Someone likely sewed this, ate a pebble for supper, and then went home to their dank little corner of the forest to sleep before coming back to sew tit slippers for a dollar a decade.

  • This’ll be well received from the portion of our community who had their breasts replaced with feet.

  • I consulted noted men of science and they confirm these are anatomically correct.

2. Rug. Rat.

The legitimacy of this product has become the stuff of legend. Is it real? Is it a hoax? Has that child seen Urotsukidoji yet? These are all worthy questions but the fact remains: Is toddler clothing with built-in mops the best invention ever or just the best THING ever?

Look, kids are great. But so is a clean floor. You’d be amazed at the buildup generated by a busy household, what with the danger, dander, dust and depleted grocery bags, shotgun shells and goldfish cracker residue. Seriously, goldfish are horrible parts of the world. They crumble and crush and never fall into pockets. Always floors and couches. So, leave it to Asian ingenuity to solve a distinct problem with a distinct solution.

If your child is already squirming on the floor inconveniencing the dog and trying to Horance Pinker themselves with the light sockets, why not give them tasks involving the betterment of the floor? It’s really the least they can do and you never truly know if they’re going to get you on the back end. Most likely they’ll put you in an old folks’ home with black JFK and leave you to the wolves. There will be no beach house for you.

Only mummies and consternation. So make your kid a fuckin’ mop. They won’t remember and if something terrible happens they can be in Gymboree by the time the ambulance arrives.

Nicky’s Trivia:

  • Don’t buy the broomclothes. It’s gift buying season for warlocks and they will steal the fuck out of your kid for their sweet someone.
  • DEBUNKED: The mopping fibers are made from unwanted baby girls.

  • This has already outsold their infant creeper/blacksmith anvil line of clothing and their Diaper Genie made from real genies.

  • Anne Rice’s pussy probably smells like a crematorium.

3. Hitler’s hors d’oeuvres or a soapdish? You decide.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been a guest at someone’s home and been aghast to discover that they had scalloped, oval, or rectangular soap. I mean, what kind of an asshole do you have to be to not feature soap that resembles the dead and detached hands of infants, babies, toddlers, and Nelson de la Rosa?

Soap shaped like baby hands. It’s truly the least the cosmetic industry can do in a business where people are so concerned about animal rights, stolen scents, and bubbles that can kill. Tiny multicultural severed baby hands that allow you to wash your hands free of your white guilt while washing hands with hands. It’s like Inception but with tiny cleansing detached limbs.

I learn a lot when I am a guest at a house where the host has a big dish of baby hands to wash up with. If only the Caucasian hands have been used, it tells me something. If only the African American hands are used, it tells me EVERYTHING. If there’s a green hand I have to remind myself to stop having sleepovers at Dr. Curt Conners’ place.

Nicky’s Trivia

  • Also available: Baby hands dirt, perfect for washing with baby hands soap. It is the first salvo in an attempt to move the world into an entirely baby hands economy.

  • There’s a fine line between making your bathroom a statement on love and making your restroom resemble Nosferatu’s slaughterhouse.

  • You know who’s laughing her ass all the way to the bank? Soap Medusa.

  • This is the runner-up for TIME’s Photo of the Year. The winner was this by a handslide.

4. Cheaper than a sex change and twice as pink!

The Scene: You’re a dame. You’re busy as hell and out of nowhere the need strikes to whiz all over the place with reckless abandon. But there’s a problem. NO BATHROOM. So you reach into your purse, pull out a tube, and remove a pink contraption that looks like a mixture of a funnel, a funnel, and a pink funnel from the tube. You stick the tube up against your heat triangle and let loose a piss stream strong enough to free the Kraken.

Life is saved, you can continue roaming around like a MILF. A MILF with a piss smelling tube in their purse.

Go Girl is a real product that has swept the nation like a storm siphoned through a funnel. Women over in Europe have been pissing into handheld funnels for years and now it’s fashionable and convenient to just whip this out and piss like a racehorse. Problem is, the piss still has to go somewhere. This device isn’t magic. It doesn’t send your piss to Heaven to be with Jesus and Chuck Conners. It just makes it less messy to piss in the woods. Or into a toilet if you skeeve when other people piss and shit all over it. Where is the fun in public bathrooms if you don’t run the risk of sitting on piles of shit?

Great. The only perk we have… taken away.

Men, let’s build the stand’n.shit. ASAP.

Nicky’s Trivia:

  • “Ooooooo, I accidentally slipped the pointy part in fifteen times in a row!” – Overheard in restrooms all over Europe and soon America.

  • The illustration to the right basically is telling you about the details of a device you hold in your hand while taking a wild piss. Someone went to art school and now this happens to them.

  • In German porn this is called Das Sniper.

  • It could have been worse. They could have made it look more like my face.