A few things you should know about Skeleton IV: he’s a bit of a prude and he’s a freelance author with many publications under his belt, mostly in the culinary world. But every now and then he likes to dip his muscular hands into the movie world and we’re blessed to have them. Not really reviews as much as OP-ED pieces (plus, he’s not always accurate), and don’t start freaking out if he slips into the third person every now and then: it’s what he does and it can’t be helped, so you’ll have to deal with it along with the rest of us.


PURCHASE THIS PRIZE THROUGH AMAZON: CLICK HERE

STUDIO THAT CRAFTED THIS JEWEL: Shout! Factory.
PRICE: $24.99 from Amazon!
RATED: Unrated for pleasure.
LENGTH OF THE FILM:
330 minutes of WOW.
SPECIAL FEATURES FOR SKELETON IV:
- 2 pairs of 3D glasses!
- 2D version.
- 3D Black & White version.
- Interview with Cast and Crew.
- 3D Outtakes.
- 3D Screen Tests.
- SCTV Sketch.


After a few months in orbit, the man has returned. A little different but no worse for the wear. I have a backlog that includes thousands of glorious movies to share with you, but was forced to chose only one so I picked the best! Filmed in that glistening year of 1969, it’s a softcore epic featuring airplanes. Occasionally someone takes their clothes off to wonderfully display their well-earned tan lines, but who needs that kind of filth?

IV’s EXPLANATION OF EVENTS
This film makes wonderful use of time displacements and jump cuts: the way the director was able to weave a tale of espionage and terror, intertwined with the story of competent pilots trying to do their jobs while trashy flight attendants throw themselves egregiously at them, is sheer brilliance. They manage to keep the bird in the air as these white miscreants attempt to suck the pants off of them; it’s a true testament to their fortitude that the plane didn’t go down in sex flames.

Skeleton IV REJOICES!

As previously stated, the plot revolves around a group of evil flight attendants who try to destroy all aboard the airplane by distracting the pilots with their skimpy costumes and white underwear. It’s a disgusting display of chain-of-command disrespect, and the scary thing is their plan nearly works. Thankfully the pilots come to their senses in time and all are saved.

But that doesn’t stop the sex.

In fact it seems to have had quite the opposite effect, as there’s even MORE sex than before! After their plot is thwarted the girls decide to fight back by getting naked at every conceivable opportunity, sometimes with each other! It’s rude, seeing some of the girls all naked parading around like nothing’s wrong. YOU’RE NOT WEARING ANY CLOTHES! One of the most outrageous scenes has to be where one nubile lady is doing yoga (naked of course), and she bends all the way back… and I don’t have to tell you what you get to see. It’s a non-bashful display and highly unladylike, plus there are naked girls around her during all of this, and not one of them says anything to reprimand her. They just stand there toweling off and straightening their large hair, all the while this yoga woman is sprawled all over the floor, displaying things!

And that’s not all, either. There are scenes of actual girls kissing actual girls. How on earth did this ever get past the censors? It isn’t like the scenes were hidden, they were proudly featured in the middle with the two women kissing and undressing one another. Because they’re not stopped they end of fondling and God knows what else! I had to avert my sockets at the sight.

Degenerate behavior with light fixtures!

THINGS THAT ANGER SKELETON
Anger is a bit strong these days, but there was a lot for me to dislike in The Stewardesses:

– Apparently clothes had a hard time staying on in 1969. Were garments so poorly made in that era? There’s so much nude female flesh in this movie it boggles the skull, not to mention all of the tan lines! There must have been some sort of solar issue in the late sixties that caused such an epidemic. The sun was only able to darken certain parts of the Stewardesses skin – completely leaving some bits stark white. I have no clue how this came to be but I’m glad the majority of this strange disease seems to have died down in recent years.

– A scene I would have certainly removed also happens to be a sex scene of sorts, although there’s no man! I realize this films’ penchant for having two girls kiss each other and act inappropriately, but in the sequence with the lamp there’s only the one girl! Is IV to believe one can derive sexual pleasure alone? While it’s a ridiculous notion, the girl rolls around her bed (nude! Again!) kissing and “playing” with a lamp that happens to have a statue of a man’s head attached to it. Suddenly the image freaks out in a psychedelic haze, and the image of a REAL man pops in and out randomly. It appears as though she’s fantasizing, but I found the whole scene to be disgustingly naked. Although, it is an example of time distortion – a feat the director knows well.

– People have too much sex in this movie, and some of it must involve magic. There’s a love scene where a man and woman are thrusting vigorously, but remain fully clothed! I have no clue what magical tome they had access to that allowed them access to a spell this powerful, but I wouldn’t have put it on film in case some Warlock saw it and started asking questions. You do not ever want Warlock’s asking questions.

– At the end a lady becomes so tired of having sex and getting naked that she puts on a nightgown and throws herself out of a window. What is amazing about this is in the beginning she has on the gown, midway down she’s nude, and at the end she has the gown again! More time displacement! The director (Alf Silliman) displays his incredible skill at altering the fabric of reality and  offering up a stunning conclusion. If the film hadn’t have had so much nakedness it would have been a masterpiece, due to elements like this.


Terrorism!

THINGS THAT MAKE IV REJOICE
The DVD I had the pleasure of viewing included many treats:


The title menu moves… sort of! I was frightened at first but composure soon returned to me.

– I rarely care for music in films, but the old-timey swinging sound of sixties pop music was appropriate. Barely audible in places it was a welcome respite from all of the nudity and mayhem. Then there were times when it would become loud for no reason, but I believe it was done to heighten the tense atmosphere.

– There is a documentary about how the 3D effect were achieved, and I believe the host to have been a wizard. He is unwise to explain how he performs his spells, and will be fortunate if no one sees it less they steal his magic.

– Soundless 3D tests featuring MORE NUDITY! Really, what on earth is there to behold on the female body that would benefit from 3D footage?


This man is a Wizard
.


FINAL THOUGHTS FROM THE DESK OF SKELETON IV
Despite all of the nudity and sex The Stewardesses still manages to be a
taught thriller photographed beautifully. The 3D is so incredible I
thought one of the naked terrorists was going to jump me! If you can
stand all the bare flesh and gross copulating, then give this film a
chance. It’s one of the best spy dramas around.

Your friend, Skeleton IV, deeply recommends this spy thriller (if you can stand all of the female nudity)!


And I’m gone!