Back in the year 2000something, I went and saw the movie Alpha Dog in theaters. I was going through a phase where I only watched movies with Greek letters in the titles. As I recall, it was a Monday night, my evening of choice to hit the local movieplex. I likely got popcorn. Might have added some salt. There, I’ve set the scene for you.

Alpha Dog is the story of a bunch of kids who drink and do drugs and thus are murdering little bastards. Well, I guess it’s a little more complicated than that, but whatever. The important thing is that Alan Thicke is in this movie. He’s just kinda hovering around in one scene and I’m pretty sure I yelled out “DR. SEAVER!” in the theater really loudly. The one other guy there might have chuckled. It’s always nice to bond with other people.

Anywho, the main thrust of the plot is that Ben Foster is crazy, something he’s proven more than capable of portraying, and on speed. He owes Emile Hirsch money, doesn’t pay, and at some point takes a shit on his carpet. Thus, it is on.

So Hirsch kidnaps Foster’s brother, Lil’ Chekov, and submits him to all sorts of awful torture like having a threesome with Amber Heard and sexy treefrog Amanda Seyfried. Then Hirsch gets that guy nobody remembers from The Faculty to murder Kyle Reese, dooming mankind in the eventual war with the machines. It’s portrayed as sad, but considering that the young man just experienced two amazingly attractive ladies fighting over his nuclear wessel, it’s not like his life had anywhere to go but down.

None of this is important, though. What is important is a scene midway through the film where crazyass Foster goes looking for Emile Hirsch. He decides to visit a houseparty where everybody is less than cooperative to his inquiries. So he tries a different tactic:




I don’t know about you, but that’s how I tend to solve most of my problems.

Honestly, Alpha Dog isn’t a bad little movie. It’s certainly no classic (Cassavetes’ direction is a bit off at times, trying too many weird camera tricks), but it’s got that amazing scene, Justin Timberlake giving a pretty solid peformance, and Olivia Wilde takes her clothes off.

I mean, if you can’t get any enjoyment out of karate fights and naked Olivia Wilde, then I really don’t know what to say.