Piranha 3-D was a blast. One of my favorite theater experiences of the year. Twice. I paid to see Piranha 3-D twice .If there’s any further evidence needed after this: a jaded guy who has seen his best years as an online writer pass him by who sees most everything for free STILL paid to see this 3-D film twice… I don’t know what to tell you.

I would have been pleased as punch (dumb saying but here I am using it) if Alexandre Aja would make a Piranha film every three years and in the interim indulge whatever depraved fantasies his mind could cook up, but it apparently isn’t meant to be.

As reported by Deadline (one of two sites who get all the scoops), the powers that be at Dimension have hired the fun John “Feast” Gulager to direct the sequel that is aiming for a release late summer next year. That’s fine. Gulager’s heart is in the right place, having proven he likes gore and breasts as much as the next guy. He has some skill. Not a horrible choice. Not Aja, but not a horrible choice.

But they’ve also hired the writing tandem of Patrick Melton and Marcus Dustan, who aside from the Feast trilogy wrote the last four Saw abortions and the extremely shitty The Collector (Which I gave a balloon out of ten in my Movie Microscope). That’s bad, because though they seemed like nice chaps on Project: Greenlight they have pretty much proven that they aren’t concerned with contributing to things being better in the universe, let alone have the moxie to up the destruction ante in this fishy epic.

They need to bring Nicotero back. And keep with the giant prehistoric piranha motif the last film ended on. That’s a start towards gaining my trust and as you all know: My opinion carries serious weight in Hollywood*.

* Zero weight.