Previously: Galaxy of Terror vs. Forbidden World, Piranha vs. Humanoids from the Deep, and Clash of the Titans vs Clash of the Titans

A Gentleman’s Introduction:


I’ll defend Roger Corman in most instances. I might even be persuaded to lift a weapon in his honor should a skirmish arise relating to the global significance of Humanoids from the Deep. There are worse causes. And Corman is that rare and splendid blend of neuromancer and two-bit thief in the night. 

But on this day I must simply shake my finger at the man. It’s one thing to ride the spiny ass of Alien with a cheap dick impostor or two. But once you dip into the well three or four times (at least), sometimes with the same sets and hardware, it’s time to find another coattail to build a nest upon. Though I found fun to be had in the Galaxy of Terror/Forbidden World package, this one is sixty tons of batshit in a paper bag.

The Terror Within is a nutty and useless ‘Shitty Alien Hating a Crew’ jaunt with a baffled and ashamed George Kennedy and the wafer-thin talent that is Andrew Stevens (who I must admit shares a lot of physical similarities with the beloved Nathan Fillion) trying to hold the fort and Dead Space is basically Forbidden World with Marc Singer and Space’s Worst Robot in lieu of whatever dogshit actors Forbidden World had.

Both are films that subbed California and a warehouse for deep space and futuristic star crafts filled to the brim with the worst stuff money wasn’t spent to buy. Enjoy!


COMPARISON
#1

Titles:



vs.


Advantage: The Terror Within by a landslide.

Can you believe how amazing the effect on The Terror Within‘s credit is? It’s backlit with space noise in a way that just screams to the viewer ‘YOUR BUSINESS IS ABOUT TO GET IMPROPERLY FONDLED’. All Dead Space can muster is ‘I THINK THIS IS A FONT’. Of course, The Terror Within has absolutely no chances of getting bought or rented because it shares a name with something that’s actually successful. The epilepsy warning on the XBOX instructions for Dead Space the game outclasses the entire script for this film, which might sully its chances of coasting on the video game’s cred.

COMPARISON
#2


Getting To Know Our Stars:



vs.


Advantage: Marc Singer (Alive).

George Kennedy was in Cool Hand Luke. Marc Singer rented Cool Hand Luke on VHS.

BUT… Marc Singer was The Beastmaster. George Kennedy called his sandwich making hand The Beastmaster. It’s a tough battle, but being alive has its benefits as Marc Singer can surely attest. George Kennedy is playing Pick up Styx, so he loses. But barely. If Marc Singer got pneumonia and died tomorrow, I envision George Kennedy coming back hard with a revisionist ass kicking.


COMPARISON #3
Actor’s Name to Symbolic Image Ratio.


vs.


Advantage: Terri & Trees.

Terri Treas has her name superimposed right next to real trees. That’s synergy. Bryan Cranston is just a glimmer of light in the void and sadly, many marketing opportunities were lost. Bryan Cranston is on one of the best shows in television’s recent history and Terri Treas was denied a table at EmotiCon ’09 in Trenton, NJ. It’s a close battle, and the only one she will ever win in this business. Huzzah, Terri!

COMPARISON
#4

The Lameness of the Beast.


vs.


Advantage: Draw.

The Terror Within is a man in a suit. Dead Space [not his name, but I love calling him that] is a serious of horrendous puppets. In a skirmish, were I betting man, I’d chose Clara Peller over either of these atrocities, because at least she’s lithe.


COMPARISON #5
Gadgetry!


vs.


Advantage: The Terror Within.

In the world of high tech gadgetry, the characters in The Terror Within and Dead Space are just barely outclassed by the Banjo Retard in Deliverance. BARELY. He has a velcro wallet, which just narrowly kicks the ass of every space tool Andrew Stevens and Marc Singer have been appointed with by the property master/birthday clown.


COMPARISON #6
Tie-Ins To Other, Better Movies.


vs.


Advantage: The Black Hole.

Full Disclosure: This is just me amusing myself.


COMPARISON #7

Functionality. OVERRATED.





vs.





Advantage: The Terror Within

The Terror Within is one of those creatures we see more of than we really ought to. They just kept adding latex to the armature thinking it looked cool. Perhaps it was a pretty creepy and cool concept drawing on paper, but when your scary bitch’s mouth is kept wired shut by skintraps, it’s time to call the scissor man. When your ultimate villain can lose a battle with a double cheeseburger all hope is lost. Dead Space, when he reaches his Ultimate Killing Machine form, is an overly lit puppet whose idea of a ferocious attack is to swing his atrophied sadness arms in a different frame than our hero. You guessed it, all hope is lost. The biggest acting challenge of Marc Singer’s challenged career was in making this creature look like it could cause him the most minute of swelling if it were to make contact. He failed but it still is a career high point.

FUCK STRASBURG.



COMPARISON #7

Genuine Horror.



vs.



Advantage: Dead Space


George Kennedy and Unimportant Nurse Character look genuinely scared. He didn’t know why he was required to wear surgical clothes to watch dailies but I think the result speaks for itself. Marc Singer is supple.

Granted, this screen shot was taken from a moment before he was commanded by his director to look aroused around a woman in blue spandex. All the exercise in the world cannot prepare one for 80’s broads.

A Gentleman’s Closing:

Watching these movies cut my sinew quick and clean. I sagged and stared
blankly at the screen free of energy and hope. My diminished form ebbed
away thoughts of warmth and each badly executed scare sent waves of
guilt up and down my urethra. Each unconvincing effect [of which every
effect is] cracked an egg in my ass. Every minute of screentime
featuring a character searching or doing useless space chores insulted
not only my intelligence but my empathy, height, water retention, and
ability to shop for groceries.



Luckily, I look for that in films. In summation, I recommend these
films. Not really, but there are certain expectations when it comes to
Roger Corman “produced” flicks like this and if you are to be surprised
by them its when one of them actually turns out good.


WINNER:
YOU, if buy these.

BUY IT FROM US!