When Godzilla Went Homo.

We saw the signs. Toho’s legendary radioactive reptile had always been a little light in his rubbery prehistoric footies and in many instances is actually considered AT BEST an asexual being and sometimes an all-out chick dinosaur! Godzilla’s a babe. Don’t forget that. A babe with a little Japanese man sweating and squirming within, but a babe nonetheless.

But let’s operate as adults, shall we?

Godzilla isn’t a babe.

Godzilla is a fella in the grand scheme, isn’t he? When looking at the Gojira [kaiju geek cred achieved!] canon one must look no further than the short-lived but seminal cartoon series from 1978. You know the one. Where Godzilla’s unmistakable roar was replaced by what sounds like Vic Tayback on a diarrhea bender. Where Godzooky was the star and made laughies with his smoke rings and Charles Durning shaped body. Where Godzilla was the bitch of the bearded Cap’n Majors and able to be summoned by the click of a button like some giant green imported au pair turned rent-a-slave. Where the animation was a hair better than the flip book I made on the shitter the other day.

In THAT show, Godzilla was a dude.

Case closed, Raymond Burr.

Even though Godzilla was used to having five foot men inside him on a daily basis, he remained safely within his Mt. Fuji shaped closet of gay unawareness. Even though Godzilla always grappled with other dude monstrosities in the climax of all his films he remained totally Diesel’d to the general public.

But that all changed yesterday when I returned home to find out what my daughter had been up to:

In one fell swoop she was able to do what A.J. Benza, Barbara Walters, and Ted Casablanca had hitherto been unable to:

She outed the mighty Godzilla.

And looking at him/her, I wish it had happened sooner. I’ve never seen a floral dress more elegantly filled. Godzilla’s got some child-bearing hips and there’s a Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm flavor to how the behemoth fills its cloth sack.

I for one, am very pleased with Gayzilla and its decision to go full-on Mary

– Nick Nunziata accepts no responsibility for the queering of a Japanese legend.