- Hair. So many people I know or see are
losing it and very concerned about it. Some wear hats to try and cover
it, others have boxes of Rogaine under their sink, and some have started
overcompensating by growing it awkwardly. The other day at Trader Joe’s
we saw a guy with the nightmarest of all combovers. I don’t get it. If
you start to lose it, trim it real short and keep it neat. It looks
fine. It looks FINE, people. Me however, am under invasion. I got hair
popping up in places all over town and it’s become one of many banes of
my existence. I wish there was a cosmic hairpile I could send my unwanted
hair to and people who were lacking could make withdrawals. Fucking
hair, and when I was young no one ever told me “Don’t shave that unless
you want it to come back darker and wilder”. Would have made my life
Boogens. Playing on a lot of
softball teams means you get to see a lot of gross shit happen out of
people’s noses and mouths. It doesn’t make it right. It just makes it a
haven for mucus. Something I don’t understand, will never understand, or
could understand is when people blow snot out of their nose onto the
ground. Or ‘hock up a loogie’ and spit the concoction out in a messy
toxic burst. I understand that snot is a hostile substance we all want
out, but in my world travels I’ve discovered some alternatives. Like
tissues. I’m of the belief that unless you are a doctor or a parent, you
should never experience another person’s snot. It’s so prevalent in
sports that Steve Murphy’s character in MLB: The Show 10 did it in a
cutscene. That’s fucked.
- Teen Tail. Guys,
you ever see a lady walking down the street from behind and get
seventeen eyefuls, just hoping the view from the other side is just as
good and then see that it’s like a 12 year old girl? Me too. All the
time. What’s different now is that I don’t feel bad about it at all.
Fuck it, not like I was going to pull over and have a chat with her
anyway. How many legendary romances have begun out of some dude staring
at an ass and pulling over to talk to it.
- John Lackey. Does
it make me a bad person to instinctively not like people whose
facial features that they have no control over do not allow them to
close their mouth?
- Race Cism.
I am beginning to become somewhat biased against Asian women drivers.
But only because they as a roading group are the fucking worst. Is it
racist to have compiled lots of firsthand profiling about a specific
group of human beings? Even if you find many of them hot?
School. I am having a too much
fun looking at how badly many of my high school classmates have
deteriorated. Especially the ones who were pretty or handsome then.
Funny how the ones I thought were cool have aged well if not grown into
delights. Maybe there is balance in nature.
- If you constantly talk about working
out there’s a good chance I hate you.
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