Folks Who Need a Better Agent.

  • Haitians. Did you realize that not everyone in Haiti is either a zombie, a zombie builder, or a current or future victim of a Haitian zombie? Haiti also has citizens who farm, bank, and even do technical support as they dodge zombie attacks and somehow survive a nation overrun with the god damned living dead. Haitians have a bad rap. Probably because they are witches who commune with the deceased so hard it hurts.

  • Amerigo Vespucci. This guy traveled far and wide and had a fantastic time doing it and all he had to show for it was having this nation named after his ass. Of course, no one calls it America anymore. They call it either The United States, Dan’s Place, or It Which Stalks The Moors. But it’s the thought that counts and dollars to donuts Amerigo was a truly underappreciated sort. Too bad he looked like a Jewish girl.

  • Gregory Widen. This guy had his fingerprints all up in the Highlander and Prophecy movies yet he’s not a household name like Russell Mulcahy. What gives? That’s “The Widen” you’re talking about. Back in high school girls were trying out for the varsity team just to have a chance at being a Widen receiver. This is the guy voted in his high school yearbook as “Most Likely To Help Immolate Eric Stoltz’s Head” and the winner of the prestigious “You Paid My Bills, Heh Heh” award given out by the Christopher Lambert Society*.

  • Joe Camp. You want to talk about visionaries, you talk about Joe Camp. How this guy’s not mentioned in the same breath as Jesus Christ, God, and Harvey Korman is beyond me. This is the man [official site!] who has the sage-like vision to know that an untalking dog that did shit was a furry god mine. Fuck a Lassie in the mouth, Benji’s the sauce and Joe Camp is the legend whose prowess allowed that fucking mange to walk the Earth saying nothing and doing some stuff.

  • Madames. They bring the clam. God bless ‘em. The second oldest profession is the first great profession in bringing a warm slice of news to a sad and lonely guy who can’t get his own piece of asshole.

  • Priests Who Don’t Fuck a Boy. What happens to these heroes? All people can seem to talk about is all the priests who spend their private time having their cock sucked by a pre-tween or the ones who favor putting their knobby scepter into their childhood sweetheart. Do you realize that there are priests who are perfectly content to stay in the closet and teach the word of God to the masses? Literally.

  • The Amish. Fuck these people for not growing up and getting with the program. Fuck them for not knowing just how much laughter is being had at their expense. Can I have a Witness?

  • My Balls. I have long felt that my balls were a necessary evil. Two uncomfortable heaps of easy to damage bumpy sadness that were as content making goo-goo eyes at my dick as they were being as small and out of the way as possible. What a difference a few decades makes as lo and behold I fired a little girl out of them bitches.

  • Toilet Savers. Ever go into a restroom and see what at best is Hitler’s Plans Come To Life except with feces? I have walked into public restrooms that look like a family of fifty took turns taking Arby’s shits at the bowl without wiping, flushing, or even putting ass near rim. Someone eventually has to clean that bastard or else it’ll form into a vampire and fuck a village up [Fact: vampires are built from untended shit.]. Those people are heroes in ways policemen and firemen can only fantasize about. They face a Ground Zero every single day someone with raw ass comes to town.

  • Warlocks. Julian Sands’ silly vertical barefoot flyer excepted, these sons of bitches get less respect than Richard Simmons on a fagdate. They are no less malevolent than witches or Djinns yet get none of the cred or pewter sculptures their contemporaries get. Long have they toiled at the edge of a cauldron or beneath the mad sexual pumpings of a Mind Flayer in heat only to be here in 2008 with barely a purply-cloaked leg to stand on.

  • Mannequins. Something let this happen to us as a species:


 
- Nick Nunziata needs a better agent.


* Membership: Christopher Lambert. Mary Lambert [unknowingly].