When I was a child, the one thing I wanted to be more than anything in the world was a detective. I practically lived for solving mysteries and would spend my days enamored of the greats. It’s rather difficult to deduce how early I had read most of The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, but it was likely some time after finishing up all the casework of one Mr. Encyclopedia Brown. Now there was a man. With his butch female sidekick and his aptitude for pointing out really obvious flaws in alibis. What a guy. That said, it was a proud day when I promoted myself to capable of solving author Donald Sobol’s Two-Minute Mysteries. I felt like an adult (NEWS FLASH: I’ve just discovered, via Wikipedia, that Sobol has been publishing new Encyclopedia Brown novels for some time. Must buy!).

As I grew older, I realized that it wasn’t enough to be the smartest man in the room. You had to be hard-boiled. Like an egg. (Or at least some eggs. I have no idea what a soft-boiled detective would be like. I guess less of a drinker? No can do). This was who I wanted to be. The tough guy who knew the score. Sadly, it was never to be. I pondered finding a way to set up a private detective agency, but I lie in Texas and that’s a huge pain in the ass here. Maybe if I relocate to somewhere like Alabama where the rules are more lax. But then I’d have to live in Alabama. Some dreams just aren’t worth it. I think Alaska is pretty loose too, though. Maybe I could set up shop there. Maybe meet a Palin.

So that was my dream as a child. Did you have any? I’d be curious to know. I think, as kids, we all had that one thing, that impossible life goal. As we grew even a little bit older we learned to think of realism, to know our limitations. But we all had that one thing, that brief shining dream of the impossible, that we wanted to be no matter what. What was yours?

Join me next time as I tackle the societal issues of But I’m a Cheerleader, the first in my line of reader picks. Here’s a tentative schedule of the movie-specific blogs to follow:

But I’m a Cheerleader
Blue Velvet
Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead

In between those, I’m going to be bringing you a long-form recap of the movie Motorama, one of the weirder movies in my collection that nobody seems to be aware of. So look forward to that.

Forever your girl,
Devin “Tap Water” Coombs