We’re
entering a new age here at CHUD, with a refreshed stable of writers, a
re-energized concentration of efforts, and a focus on consistent,
knowledge-backed fun. To ring in this new era for the site we wanted to
bring you a truly special, truly memorable, truly incredible list that
characterizes what CHUD is about, and we think we’ve cooked up just the
thing.


BODILY FUNCTION JUNCTION
The 25 Grossest, Most Execrable Moments in Film.


We’re
here to explore the most depraved, flinch-worthy, vomit-inducing (or
vomit-involving) moments ever put to film. We’re not interested in
simple gore and viscera here… We’re looking for the shittiest, pusiest,
cummiest, pukeiest, piss-filled scenes in the history of
motion-pictures. Some will be huge, some will be small, but they’ll all
be gross. We’ve also put an unprecedented amount of effort into
pre-planning, scheduling, and dividing the effort for this list, so
expect it to hit you every one of the next 25 weekdays (with a number of
special surprises planned for the weekends!).


So without further
ado, grab your nearest complimentary airsick bag (or maybe just a whole
trashcan) and jump into CHUD’s newest list.

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DAY 7

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THE MOVIE?



Carrie (1976)

Brian De Palma directed this adaptation of Stephen King’s novel. It veers from the campy and comedic to the chilling, and allows De Palma to indulge his Hitchcockian fetish for shower scenes.  While it’s really a pathetic tale of a girl who is just smacked around emotionally and physically until she just can’t take it anymore, its entire origin is in that very shower scene.  Take it away, Stephen:

 “Some woman said, ‘You write all those macho things, but you can’t write about women.’ I said, ‘I’m not scared of women. I could write about them if I wanted to.’ I got an idea for a story about this incident in a girls’ shower room, and the girl would be telekinetic.   The other girls would pelt her with sanitary napkins when she got her period. The period would release the right hormones, and she would rain down destruction on them.”

Because there’s nothing ickier and weirder than a girl getting her period. 

Now, let’s get one thing out of the way, readers — I didn’t nominate Carrie. However, once it survived all the elimination rounds, I volunteered to write it. So, don’t jump all over it as “Of course a girl would pick this one — bitch,  it’s not even that sick.”  Because a man picked it, and it is. You know it is. 

But as Troy Anderson succinctly put it on Day 5, not all items on this list are going to be “terribly gross.”  To make the cut, a film had to make you cringe in sympathy, shame, and squeamishness. It just had to evoke a certain something — a smell, perhaps, or a sensation. Carrie does all of that whether your male or female.

And yeah,  I said a girl had to write this one.  Now, I’m not going to be like Carrie’s Mom on this and scream “Shame! Shame!”  I’m not going to go all “Fuck yeah, I’m one of the guys! Girls and all their functions are nasty. I’m like a dude about these things. Girls suck, don’t think of me as one.”  I’m just going to be honest here about how it makes me (and hopefully you) feel.  Now, let’s jump in the shower.


THE GROSS?

The Setup: DePalma lures you in slowly.  It’s a girl’s locker room. It’s every man’s fantasy.  Nubile young women run around naked, carefree in their sexiness, giggling at one another as they dress.  There’s atmospheric steam.  We zoom closer on poor Carrie, who is slowly luxuriating in the shower. She’s by herself.  She’s grateful to be alone after being humiliated on the volleyball court.  DePalma lets your eyes travel all over her. It’s sensual.  And then ….




What’s that? Oh. Oh, sick.  Coming after the misty nudity, it’s the equivalent of a needle being yanked across a Marvin Gaye record.  If you’re a woman, your wincing in sympathy and shame. If you’re a man, your reaction might be akin to Jonah Hill’s in Superbad. 

Carrie doesn’t know what to think at first.



Hey, audience! Are you feeling at bewildered as Carrie?  Let’s get closer and have another look.



That blood came out of her vagina.  Now it’s on her hand. Look at it.  Look at it. Do you feel like it’s on your hand yet?

Here’s the thing, gang.  As a woman, your body is like a living horror movie. Again, I don’t mean this to be misogynist. Guys have plenty of gross stuff coming out of them, too. (See: This List.) Maybe for a man, it’s just as horrifying. I don’t really know.  

What I do know is that as a chick, you just never quite know when your week is going to get bloody and Old Testament.   You can wake up to a mess that rivals the horse head in The Godfather. You can be at a party. You can be swimming. You can be getting frisky with a significant other.  You can be walking down the damn street.  You can be in a business meeting and unable to excuse yourself.   Now all women get pretty damn used to menstruation — some can’t stop rejoicing about it — but I just can’t be a a hippy moon
goddess “I’m in tune with the tides and the seasons!” about this. A period is never not going to be gross, stressful, and awkward.   It lasts a goddamn week, and it’s not like the blood that comes out of your knee if you skin it. It’s got texture, it’s oozy, and it smells bad.  How can it not?

Carrie, you know what I’m talking about, don’t you girl? Surprise! It’s great being a girl, isn’t it?  Get used to it.



Combine the terror and sensations of your period — especially your first period — with the whole dank nastiness of a locker room, and your stomach (and maybe even your nose) should just churn. 

I bet locker rooms suddenly became distinctly unsexy. They should.  Obviously, I’ve spent time in them. They’re the least kinky places on earth — as are ladies bathrooms — and periods are a big reason why.

WHO DOES IT COME OUT OF?


Well Carrie, of course.

WHERE DOES IT GO?

Ostensibly, some goes down the drain. But in poor Carrie’s case, it goes all over the place because she completely panics. She thinks she’s bleeding to death. She thinks her schoolmates will care enough to help her, and she didn’t rinse her hands first.




ANY CASUALTIES?

Carrie’s sanity. But for now, Amy Irving’s blouse. When Carrie grabs her, she just smears blood all over the sleeve.



Miss Collins’ white (of course) pants also get it.  Oh, De Palma!



Take it from me, kids.  The only thing worse than getting menstrual blood on your own clothes (and every girl has ruined multiple outfits during this delightful week of gore) is getting someone else’s period blood on your clothes. And if I know anything about the 1970s, it’s that those pants were probably polyester. That’s never coming out.


HOW GROSS IS IT?

Again, it’s not that this is the worst thing ever committed to celluloid.  It’s not even close to being the most repulsive thing on this list.  Part of me wonders if I’m doing all womanhood a disservice by calling it out like this.   If it wasn’t for periods (or rather, the missed ones), none of us would even be here. It’s a natural function.  But hey, nearly all of the things on this list are.  Everybody poops, as the saying goes. Well, all women have periods.

But television networks find it gross.  The blood-down-the-leg scene is often cut or obscured on television broadcasts. Period blood is right up there with nudity in the eyes of the censors.  There’s volumes to be said about that. But all I’m saying here is that fluids that come out of orifices just make you shudder, and this is one of them. That’s why it’s on this list. A lot of guys won’t go anywhere near period blood or the products used to deal with it. They don’t want to talk about it.  They don’t want to think about it.  Frankly, a lot of women don’t either.  King knew it and exploited it, and De Palma put it right up in your face.

And then Carrie killed everyone for it.
Talk about PMS, am I right?



Today’s installment written by Elisabeth Rappe