We’re
entering a new age here at CHUD, with a refreshed stable of writers, a
re-energized concentration of efforts, and a focus on consistent,
knowledge-backed fun. To ring in this new era for the site we wanted to
bring you a truly special, truly memorable, truly incredible list that
characterizes what CHUD is about, and we think we’ve cooked up just the
thing.

BODILY FUNCTION JUNCTION
The 25 Grossest, Most Execrable Moments in Film.

We’re
here to explore the most depraved, flinch-worthy, vomit-inducing (or
vomit-involving) moments ever put to film. We’re not interested in
simple gore and viscera here… We’re looking for the shittiest, pusiest,
cummiest, pukeiest, piss-filled scenes in the history of
motion-pictures. Some will be huge, some will be small, but they’ll all
be gross. We’ve also put an unprecedented amount of effort into
pre-planning, scheduling, and dividing the effort for this list, so
expect it to hit you every one of the next 25 weekdays (with a number of
special surprises planned for the weekends!).

So without further
ado, grab your nearest complimentary airsick bag (or maybe just a whole
trashcan) and jump into CHUD’s newest list.

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DAY 5

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WARNING:  It’s labeled NSFW for a reason. I don’t think it’s that bad, but HR has been rather shitty recently. You know what I’m talking about, guy. You were there for that meeting about the JibJab cartoons and related web content. Now, you’ve got a filter on your PC that won’t let you do anything but get the weather and current time. Oh well, back to the list.

THE ORIGINS OF THIS LIST ENTRY

The following is from an exchange with Elisabeth Rappe:

This actually came to me as
I was half asleep…which almost
counts as dream…but I believe Beloved has a scene
that involves Oprah pissing very explosively.
What’s scary is that I never actually saw Beloved but I was deeply traumatized by hearing Oprah talk about it. It
was apparently a scene full
of symbolism. 
Anyway, Oprah being on this would be hilarious.

THE MOVIE?

Beloved (1998)

Jonathan Demme directs an overlooked tale of Southern supernatural happenings in the Postbellum Era. Former slave Sethe is trying to make a new life with the help of her daughter Denver. The feisty Paul D. follows Sethe around, as he tries to court her. Sethe is a little reluctant to fall so hard for the new man in her life, but she eventually lets her guard down. The new couple settles into their home with Denver, as a newly freed family. Unfortunately, Sethe’s long-believed dead daughter has returned to haunt her mother.

Demme takes Morrison’s work and crafts a tale that works as a ghost story about survivor’s guilt. Oprah Winfrey took the lead and pushed the film hard during her Golden Era on American television. Fans of Morrison were lined up, but they were soon to be eclipsed by the legion of Oprah zombies. These masses didn’t know Demme’s indie roots or his cult sensibilities. Those poor bastards weren’t ready for what was going to happen roughly thirty minutes into the film.

The Setup:  Sethe, Denver and Paul D. return home to find the supposedly deceased Beloved waiting for them. Denver is confused, Paul D. can’t quite place how he knows the girl, but Sethe gives a reaction that left audiences scratching their heads.

In the original novel, the scene takes place close to the start of Chapter 5. Morrison spends about two sentences on the sequence, as it’s supposed to be a touchback for Sethe’s memories of giving birth. Today’s entry comes from Jonathan Demme taking that piss-soaked ball and running with it.

Sethe runs from the newly returned Beloved out of sheer terror. Suddenly, she feels the urge to purge arrive. Before she can make it to the outhouse, she’s pissing herself with the might of Poseidon.

THE GROSS?

Not every sequence in this list is going to be terribly gross. This was a point of contention early on in the formation of our choices. If we had gone that route, this entire affair would’ve been a pissing contest of scenes that we pulled out of Gabe Toro’s video stash. The average CHUD reader won’t find this gross, but this moment isn’t for you. This is a moment in cinema history that you can spring onto the unsuspecting neophytes that don’t remember any film that’s more than five years old. I’m not expecting a wave of Oprah piss reaction videos to start appearing online, but it would be nice. This is her final season in Syndication and I’d like to give her a CHUD send-off.

WHO DOES IT COME OUT OF?

I don’t know whether to get a mop or start fapping. Just kidding. I’m not even into watersports. I prefer the sophistication of Roman Showers, but that list entry was already taken.

WHERE DOES IT GO?

Oprah spills her lemony waste upon thy wretched ground. Jonathan Demme and Sam Strange originally planned for Danny Glover to receive the golden shower. But, that’s a story for Sam to tell.

ANY CASUALTIES?

The audio commentary reveals that Oprah’s piss stream salted the Earth. In the last 12 seasons, none of Farmer Schlamme’s blueberries have been able to grow on that plot. Some say that the soil is cursed; others say that it’s growing a darker seed. When the first Oprah piss pod person rises, there will be casualties in the thousands. Piss pod people take time.

HOW GROSS IS IT?

It’s gross enough to catch someone off-guard, but I can’t say that I would call it truly wretched. If anything, it just says weird things about Jonathan Demme.

Let’s see that piss reel one more time:

Today’s installment written by Troy Anderson