We’re entering a new age here at CHUD, with a refreshed stable of writers, a re-energized concentration of efforts, and a focus on consistent, knowledge-backed fun. To ring in this new era for the site we wanted to bring you a truly special, truly memorable, truly incredible list that characterizes what CHUD is about, and we think we’ve cooked up just the thing.

BODILY FUNCTION JUNCTION
The 25 Grossest, Most Execrable Moments in Film.


We’re here to explore the most depraved, flinch-worthy, vomit-inducing (or vomit-involving) moments ever put to film. We’re not interested in simple gore and viscera here… We’re looking for the shittiest, pusiest, cummiest, pukeiest, piss-filled scenes in the history of motion-pictures. Some will be huge, some will be small, but they’ll all be gross. We’ve also put an unprecedented amount of effort into pre-planning, scheduling, and dividing the effort for this list, so expect it to hit you every one of the next 25 weekdays (with a number of special surprises planned for the weekends!).

So without further ado, grab your nearest complimentary airsick bag (or maybe just a whole trashcan) and jump into CHUD’s newest list.

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DAY 1

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THE MOVIE?

Happiness (1998)

Directed by Todd Solondz, this masterpiece of discomfort and brutal honesty gives us a peek into the lives of many misunderstood individuals with emotional states that range from extremely lonely to extremely likely to enjoy your kid’s holes. Scattered throughout this tale of masturbation, dating-gone-wrong, pedophilia, and Lovitz tears, are a few instants of pure disgust, with the moment below capping off the whole film wonderfully.

THE GROSS?

Splooge! A tiny pearl that’s been waiting for its big entrance the entire film.

WHO DOES IT COMES OUT OF?

Billy Maplewood, son of a serial rapist pervert. He comes, and he’s not afraid to let you know about it.

WHERE DOES IT GO?

Dick to dog to mouth. First the little load smashes right into an unsuspecting guard-rail, before being lapped up by Billy’s dog, who smears his wad-covered tongue all over Billy’s mother’s mouth.


ANY CASUALTIES?


Only a few hundred thousand microbillys.

HOW GROSS IS IT:


It’s the “aww… awww?! …AWW!!” kind of gross that has you getting progressively more disgusted as the gag plays out, despite the fact that you’re laughing so hard as to eject your own business all over the inside of your trousers. While it’s not our first interaction with semen in the film (see the BONUS LOAD below) it’s certainly the most uncomfortable. It’s not every trip to the cinema that you witness an 11-year-old child masturbate to this nightmare…


…and then drop his front-end cargo for the first time. As if this weren’t enough, Billy’s pre-teen seed immediately becomes doggy treat, and is whisked away to the land of Mother’s mouth. On second thought, perhaps we should have saved this one for the sequel to the Top 10 Best Kid Kills… CHUD’s Top 10 Best Kid Ejaculations Into Pets. Either way, after Mom’s second-hand facial, it’s all punctuated by Billy’s famously confident declaration to his family…

“I came.”


Yes you did Billy, and it was magical for all of us. Especially for the rail.

Today’s installment was written by Renn Brown.


Come all over the CHUD Message Boards



BONUS LOAD:


Billy’s sprayoff wouldn’t be such good payoff without some heavy grunting and sweating from the kinda gross, but gold-hearted Allan earlier in the film (even though it retroactively taints that small bit of happiness Billy achieves, since it suggests he’ll end up Phillip Seymour Hoffmaning alone in an apartment someday).



Almost as memorable as Billy’s gift of fresh, hot chromosomes to his dog’s mouth, is Allen’s creative solution to accidentally blasting all over his own wall.


I once wallpapered a whole room the same way.